Page 18 of Chaos

“And you’re crazy.” The words flew from my lips before I could stop myself from talking. Those weren’t the words I wanted to say, but they were the ones that crept out of my mouth around the brutal mixture of alcohol and being an asshole. Where the words came from didn’t matter. The effect on her was the same. I couldn’t take them back. I couldn’t stop her from breaking. Pain spread across her face as she opened her mouth to say something, but quickly closed it. She was fast to break our eye contact, recapped the bottle, and then set it back where she found it. Her teeth raked across her bottom lip as if she was doing her damnedest to remain silent.

She made me want to do things I shouldn’t. I wanted to tell her I really wasn’t a dick all the time. I used to be a great man. She would have loved who I used to be. I wanted to be the past me for her. For the first time in a very long time, I wanted to be someone I was no longer capable of being. Acceptance and cruel reality swirled around me. I would never be the person I used to be. He was the only version of me that might be good enough. For Eris, I wanted to do the impossible, but I knew it’d never happen. She gave me false hope. I had been lying to myself for years about one thing or another, but it had never been hopefulness.

Regardless of her hurt demeanor or the fact I was a huge dick, she closed the space between us and put her palm against my chest. She swallowed my hatred and met me toe-to-toe. Our breaths gave each other air. When I exhaled my imperfections, she quickly breathed them in without questions. Standing so still as the world spun around us, each moment her chest rose, she took a little of my soul into her body with her breaths. As we stood still, the world spinning around us, each moment her chest rose and fell she stole a little of my soul into her body with her breaths. Apart, the two of us had faced the world and survived. Together, there could be only one outcome. We’d destroy each other.

She pressed her lips to mine, but didn’t move from there. I didn’t either. I didn’t move even a millimeter of my body, because with the slightest movement on my part, I knew I wouldn’t stop. A millimeter of touch would lead to a foot of guilt, and then she’d be left to live with a lifetime of regret.

“You’re crazy, too,” she whispered against my lips, and the faint smell of whiskey floated around us, lying to us both that we wouldn’t ruin one another. Over the years, whiskey had been my best friend, my confidence, and sometimes my excuse. By the way she handled her liquor, it was no stranger to her either. Tonight, it would be our empty promises of tomorrow. Tonight, I’d allow the whiskey to take me to the past, and I’d treat her as she should be. She should be handled with care and compassion… As soon as that thought crossed my mind, I forced my foot backward, knowing I was heading somewhere I shouldn’t with my thoughts. My foot slipped on the bottle and flew out from under me. Eris reached for me as I landed in the mud.

“Fuck. Thanks,” I said to the world. I needed some type of interference before I wrecked her, but this wasn’t what I had in mind, at all.

“What?” she said, her eyebrows knitting together, pain and hate returning to her eyes.

“Not you. Shit. Dammit. No. I…” I corrected and got to my feet, trying to wipe the mud from my clothes, but it was useless. I was covered, so I gave up.

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