Page 16 of Chaos

14

Eris

Drex hadn’t returnedto the diner. Either that or Ray wasn’t talking. I made up the excuse of needing to pick up my jacket from our break room when I stopped in the diner. I wasn’t fooling anyone. It was a nice night—definitely not weather that required an extra layer.

Three days of my requested time off had already passed by and seven more remained. This was a time of year I never worked, but no one knew the reason, and I wasn’t going to tell them either. That was one of my favorite parts of being family with Ray and Sam. They never asked questions about my past. Marian and Gretchen, two of the waitresses, would ask occasionally, but never pressed the issue when I didn’t tell them anything.

Once home, I left the exterior door open, shutting only the storm door with the screen, allowing the warm summer air to whirl around the apartment and bring in the smell of rain. I kicked my socks off and stretched out on the couch with a yawn, knowing a nap was just what I needed.

Each firework that exploded sent a new wave of pain through my chest. I was having an anxiety attack, which was odd, because I hadn’t had one since I was little. I usually enjoyed watching the fireworks, but this time was different. They were lacking the lustrous colors that normally drew me into them. Dark blue and red were the only colors that flashed before my eyes. No pinks or purples decorated the night’s sky. The explosions were growing louder with each firework, and my ability to breathe was lessening.

“It’s okay, Momma,” Noah said, not taking his eyes off the sky, but took my hand in his.

Refusing to let the panic overcome me, I forced the stale air to leave my lungs and breathed in a fresh mouthful. My eyes abruptly opened, and I realize it was a dream. At least part of it was. My living room was flooded with red and blue lights, and the screen door rattled in protest as someone loudly knocked.

Unsettling chills climbed my skin and wrapped their unforgiving fingers around my throat. With each knock at the door their grasp tightened. I knew something was wrong. Where were Noah and Dad? It was dark, and they should be home. Where were they? Why weren’t they home?

I awoke in a cold sweat and hugged my knees, letting the tears fall down my face. My body rhythmically rocked back and forth as I tried to calm myself. I prayed what I had dreamed could be only a dream for many years now, but it wasn’t. I lived that nightmare. I would never forget that day.

I screamed, and then I cussed. Usually, I reacted one of two ways when my subconscious reminded me I was a childless parent. Rage or depression. Tonight, it was a mixture of both, which could only lead to one thing: self-destruction. I needed to find water, and fast.

I got to my feet and flung open the screen door. I was pretty sure I heard the frame burst when it smacked against the wall, but I didn’t care enough to look. I knew if I didn’t get out of the house in a matter of seconds, I would intentionally break things. My feet knew where to go, even if my head wasn’t capable of concentration.

I needed to breathe. I needed to drown this hate. I needed to feel what he felt. I needed him.

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