Page 103 of Golden Rule

No matter how bad I want it…

“I’m sorry I couldn’t?—”

My voice breaks, but I swallow it all down before starting again.

“I’m sorry I couldn’t make you a father without help. I’m sorry that, even then, it couldn’t happen.”

My chest burns and I’m in this strange place of feelingtoo muchand feeling numb all at the same time.

“I’ll call Dr. Tyler first thing in the morning to tell him we’re done.”

“Blue—”

I hear him call out to me as I rush to leave the small, confined space when it feels like I’ll fall apart. It’s for the best, though, because I’m certain that whatever he’d say would only be to make me feel better, and I don’t need to be coddled.

I can handle this.

The dream is over, and that’s something I’ll just have to accept. For better or worse, West is getting his wish.

We’re done with treatment.

All eyes are on me when I return to the table with the girls. I can guess my face and eyes are red, but no one says a word. Maybe knowing that, if they do, the dam holding it all in will crumble and I’ll fall apart in front of everyone. So, when Dez places her hand on my knee beneath the table, I take it as a sign that, although she doesn’t know the details, she feels for me.

A second later, heavy steps pass behind where I’m seated, and without turning, I know those steps belong to West. Instinct has me holding my breath, feeling completely undone because this is new territory for us. Yes, we’ve had disagreements, but never any that leave our marriage feeling fractured.

And it… scares me.

I still won’t look at him, but I can imagine his face is giving away just as much as mine. And as badly as I’d like to think thiswill all blow over soon, and we’ll snap back to being us, this feels different.

This rift feels permanent, like it’s changed the very fabric of who we are. Of our connection.

Tension at our table gets thicker, and I feel it coming. One of the girls is about to break the unspoken rule. One of them is about to ask what happened, and if they do, I’ll have to rush off to avoid causing a scene, which willalsocause a scene. However, just as Lexi’s lips part to speak, her phone rings.

A faint smile curves her lips, and I breathe a sigh of relief, havingliterallybeen saved by the bell.

“Jaxon’s facetiming,” she says, swiping a finger across her phone to answer. “Hey, baby!”

I blink away the last of my tears, breathing deep in an attempt to clear away some of the negative energy. It doesn’t really work, but I’m willing to pretend it has.

“Hi, Mommy!” Jaxon says. “Papa Benny said I could call.”

“We were trying to get him into bed, but he wouldn’t go down without talking to you first,” Lexi’s dad chimes in from somewhere offscreen.

“You can call anytime, sweetheart. And look! I’m here with all your aunties! Say hi, girls!”

“Hi, Jax!” We all chime in, waving at the chubby-faced angel whose face is framed in curls.

“What are you and Papa doing tonight?” Lex asks.

“This,” he answers, then holds up a picture of the dog we all know to be Goose—Matt’sdog.

“Fun! Tell Papa to hang it on the fridge with the other twenty, okay? He loves that,” Lex says, and the next second, the phone screen flips toward Benny, giving her a stern look that only makes her laugh harder.

“On that note, I’m gonna step out and let you two talk,” Benny says, then when the screen flashes back to Jaxon, there’s no missing the sadness in his eyes.

“I wanna talk to Daddy, but he didn’t pick up.” That voice is so small and sweet, and as Jax rubs his sleepy eyes, my heart aches for Lexi now, instead of for myself. This can’t be easy for her, seeing her son constantly missing his father, finding balance.

“Daddy has a bad habit of leaving his phone in the car. Let me see what I can do,” she says, scanning the room until her eyes land on Sterling. “Found him. Hang on, kiddo. He doesn’t look too busy.”

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