Page 28 of Boys Like You

“What made you want to get a makeover.”

“When I woke up and saw my reflection I felt like a fake, the girl staring back at me, wasn’t me. How stupid does that sound, I have no idea who that girl is.”

“And how do you feel now?”

“I feel happy and free, well besides the nightmares, when I have those I feel trapped.”

“What happens in the nightmares?” she asks; my palms get sweaty just thinking about it.

“I can’t ever remember what they are about, just the feeling I get when I wake up. When I try to think about it everything is like a black cloud covering my memories.”

“Do you think it’s your mind's way of trying to make you remember what happened to you?”

“I don’t want to remember,” I say as the tears begin to flow. “If the feeling I get in my stomach is any indication of what happened to me, it can’t be good.”

“I can understand that. I can’t imagine how it makes you feel.”

“That few seconds after I wake up but my body isn’t fully awake I’m paralysed with fear, and once my brain and body catch up , I struggle to shake the feeling of anxiety afterwards.”

“Studies have shown that if you try to bury the feelings they can make you more anxious, I would suggest that you start a journal and write down how you feel.”

“If I write down my feelings they would all be the same, fear. I don’t want to remember who I am, whatever my brain is hiding from me isn’t good and I have no intentions of confronting that fear. I’m scared.”

I look down and want this to be over. I want to see Maximus smile, I want to feel happy and loved. Not scared that I will be taken away, back to whatever hell was my reality before being here.

“I saw a very cute boy outside. Is he one of the guys that found you?” Way to change the subject, but my hands are still shaky from the last topic and I’m still on edge.

I straighten up in my chair. “That’s Maximus. He was the first one who found me, actually.” She studies my reaction but I can’t help the smile plastered on my face when she asks about him. Just thinking about him starts to ease my anxiety.

“And what is he like?” she asks and I look up at her again.

“He is cute, and even though he doesn’t talk to me yet, he has a way of communicating, through music or with a smile. He’ll text me in our group chat, though. The guys told me that he has to trust you to say anything. Most of them had traumatic childhoods.” She scribbles something on her paper. “What are you writing?” I ask, looking at her notepad, defensive that she is writing something bad about them. She is here to psychoanalyze me, not the guys.

“I make note of things I need to remember, and them having traumatic backgrounds is something I need to know in case it hinders your progress.”

“Hinders my progress? How could five amazing, sweet guys hinder me in any way when all they do is help me?” I straighten in my chair.

“I’m not saying they will at all, JD, it’s just notes.”

“No, I want to know,” I demand. Again anger seeps in and has me wondering if that is a trait I displayed before I lost my memory.

“Sometimes when someone has been through a trauma and has needed to be saved, they can assume what is called a hero complex.”

“Look, if anyone is hindering anyone, it’s me hindering them, not the other way around.”

She looks over at me and puts her pen down again. “How so?”

“What if they get attached to me and I remember who I am or someone says I’m their child, and I’m taken back to my life? What happens then?”

She thinks for a second, clearly not trying to upset me this time. “I can’t tell you what will happen. You’ll carry on. With smartphones and FaceTime, there’s always a way to keep in touch.”

“I hope I don’t remember. I wish I could start fresh.”

“What if you have a family that’s worried about you?” she asks.

“What if my family hurt me? Do I really want to remember and find out?”

Seeing my agitation, she changes the subject and we go over some coping mechanisms for when I have anxiety attacks, but I can’t stop thinking about her insinuating I’m playing the victim and the guys have a hero complex. Is that why Levi is so concerned about them? I know they’re all in therapy too.

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