Page 35 of Guarded

He wouldalwaysbe here for them.

Chapter Nine

Lying in bed at home nine days later, Briar could hear Matt talking on the phone to his mom in the en suite bathroom. He’d been off work since Rosie’s birth and today was his first day back.

These past ten days had been nothing but a blur. Briar had spent the first three in the hospital recovering while Rosie stayed in the NICU for another week. Trinity and the team’s significant others had all been amazing, dropping off groceries and meals for them. Briar was sure Taya was behind it. The woman was an organizational wizard.

She and Matt had gone back multiple times a day to hold and feed her, and because Rosie was able to suck and swallow on her own and had been gaining weight, she had finally been able to come home last night. Briar had to feed her every two to three hours, which wasn’t a big deal during the day. But overnight was gonna be tough for the next few months.

“We can’t wait for you to meet her,” Matt was saying. “Maybe I’ll bring her with me when I pick you up at the airport, give Briar a few hours to herself.”

She smothered a groan. Her mother-in-law and Matt’s sister were flying in from San Diego on Thursday night to stay with them a couple days. They were nice people and Briar liked them well enough, but she dreaded having them stay until after the baby shower Taya and Trinity were holding for her this coming weekend.

She didn’t feel like having company stay with them yet but he wanted to have them at the house so they could spend as much time with Rosie as possible and she didn’t want to cause a fight, so she’d left it alone. He was close with both sides of his family and barely ever got to see them. It wasn’t fair of her to tell him they couldn’t stay here just because she was uncomfortable having them underfoot because she was ridiculously private and trying to adjust to the whole motherhood thing. And it was only for a few days. She could suck it up for that long.

“Briar? She’s doing amazing. Healing up fast and handling everything like a champ.”

The pride in Matt’s voice set off a twinge of guilt deep inside. Yeah, like a champ. If he only knew how worn down she felt already. Her incisions were healing nicely and she hardly had any pain except for her breasts when they became engorged or whenever Rosie latched on. Taya had been right about that.

“Love you too. Bye.” Matt ended the call and came back into the bedroom, walked around to her side of the bed and reached down to stroke a hand over her hair. “I gotta go. You need anything before I leave?”

About twelve hours of uninterrupted sleep would be good, but that wasn’t happening. “No.” She couldn’t even muster the will to inject some life into the answer.

“Okay. See you tonight.” He bent and kissed her before leaving.

The moment she heard his truck pull out of the driveway, a heaviness settled inside her chest. He wouldn’t be back until at least seven tonight, maybe later. That meant she had a minimum of twelve hours to get through on her own, even though she’d been the one to argue that she was fine by herself now and encouraged him to go into work. At the moment, the prospect of being without him all day seemed like an eternity.

She fell back asleep until Rosie’s cry woke her from a deep dream. She peeled her eyes open and got up, walked on auto-pilot down the hall to the nursery.

Briar picked her up, checked her diaper that was still dry, and sat in the chair to nurse her. They’d switched from cannula feeding to nursing last week, and they were both still getting the hang of it. The latching bit was tricky. And painful.

Briar winced as the baby tried to latch on, a feeling like hot, sharp prickles shooting through her breasts as the milk let down. Breastfeeding was way harder than she had imagined, and way more uncomfortable as well. She pumped to alleviate the pressure when she got too engorged but it still hurt like hell and it happened often because Rosie couldn’t yet drain one side per feeding.

All in all, motherhood was harder than she had expected. She was constantly exhausted, sore all over. Maybe it was because of all the complications and running back and forth to the NICU. She kept hoping everything would smooth out now that they were home.

Rosie was still slightly jaundiced, even after treatment in the hospital. Frequent nursing would help, but she was so small her esophageal sphincter hadn’t yet fully developed. Briar could only feed her a little bit at a time, and the milk quite often came right back up a few minutes later, projectile-style, leaving Rosie hungry and Briar frustrated.

Basically, she felt like she didn’t know what the hell she was doing. Worse, she didn’t feel this magical bond everyone always talked about between mother and child. She loved Rosie, was doing her best to look after her baby. But it all felt so strange, the opposite of natural. Probably being separated for the first ten days hadn’t helped. Briar hoped it happened soon.

Trinity had offered to come stay with her after Rosie had finally come home, but Briar didn’t want to put her friend out and didn’t want to admit she needed help. She had this. She was strong and resourceful. Tough. A freakingValkyrie. Everyone else seemed to manage with being able to look after a newborn, so she could too.

Part way through the feeding, Rosie choked and turned her head away, spraying milk everywhere.

“Shit,” Briar whispered, grabbing for a cloth. She worried that was going to be Rosie’s first word.

She couldn’t stop the flow of milk. Her body desperately wanted to relieve the pressure in her breasts. Pumping only helped so much, but the lactation specialists had warned her and Matt not to feed Rosie by bottle too often, or she wouldn’t learn to latch properly.

It took another half-hour to get enough milk into Rosie to make her feel full. Briar tucked the baby to her chest and burped her gently, then sat and rocked her for a while to keep her upright and help the milk settle. The feel of that tiny, warm little body curled so trustingly against her made her heart squeeze, gave her hope that their mysterious bond was happening.

When Rosie was fast asleep, Briar picked her up and put her back in her crib, desperate to go back to bed for another hour. She was just easing the nursery door shut when she heard the telltale wet splash behind her. Closing her eyes for a moment, she took a deep breath and fought back her frustration.

When she turned around, she spotted the milk stain arcing across the wall beside the crib.

Shit. Milk wasted. Mess to clean up. More laundry to do. And back to square one for another attempt at feeding.

By the time it was all done another forty minutes had passed. Briar finally left her daughter asleep in the crib and carried the dirty linens and sleeper to the laundry room to start another load.

A pile of neatly folded clothes and receiving blankets lay atop the drier where Matt had placed them last night. He helped out with what he could when he was home. Laundry, grocery runs, bringing home takeout, bathing or changing Rosie. He’d even taken over a feeding with a bottle last night because he’d insisted, but some stubborn part of her made her want to prove she could do it all.

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