Page 24 of Guarded

“Who’s already lost a wife and child,” Briar pointed out.

“I know. But he’s not going to lose you guys.” She laid a hand on Briar’s belly, a startled look coming over her face when the baby either kicked or punched. Briar had often sensed that her friend had wanted to touch her belly, but Trinity hadn’t until now. “What does it feel like?” Trin asked, her expression full of wonder.

Briar’s heart ached for her friend. About a year ago Trin had confessed that she would have loved to have a baby, and she had more maternal instincts in her little finger than Briar did in her whole body. The Valkyrie Program had taken many things from Trin, but it hadn’t been able to destroy that part of her soul. “At first it was like tiny little bubbles fizzing around inside. Then tiny bumps and rolls that kept growing stronger. It felt weird at first but now I love it.” And she was extra glad to feel the baby moving now. It reassured her.

Trin nodded, gaze glued to her hand, perfectly manicured fingers splayed across Briar’s belly. “It must be so amazing, knowing you have a little being tucked away inside you.”

It really was.

Briar was quiet a moment. “Have you and Brody ever thought about maybe adopting one day?”

Trin removed her hand and sat back, her expression neutral. “We haven’t really talked about having a family.”

“Why not? You love kids, and I thought you said he did too.”

She lifted a shoulder, her inky hair swaying with the movement. Her friend was every bit as beautiful on the inside as her gorgeous exterior. She deserved to be a mother to some lucky child out there who needed a good home. “I don’t want to get ahead of myself. It took me forever to agree to a wedding date. One step at a time.”

Briar decided not to push, because she understood. “I get it. It’s hard for us to undo what was done to us.”

She nodded. “Feels impossible sometimes, doesn’t it? It’s a two steps forward, one step back kinda deal. Though having an amazing partner makes it a lot easier.”

“True.” She could count on Matt, no matter what. Briar sighed. Life wasn’t fair. Trin shouldn’t have had the choice to have children taken from her. Just as Matt shouldn’t have lost Lisa and their baby, or feel responsible if he couldn’t save the hostages today.

“What’s wrong?”

“Nothing.” She rubbed her belly.You okay in there, little one? We have to get through this together.

“Lemme guess. You’re still blaming yourself for this and determined to continue blaming yourself no matter what anyone else says,” Trin finished in exasperation.

She wasn’t wrong. But there was more. “Do you ever feel like something’s…missing inside us?”

She gave Briar a bland look. “You’ll have to be more specific.”

Briar chuckled at her friend’s dark, dry humor. She hadn’t been referring to Trinity’s hysterectomy. “I worded that badly. I mean emotionally.”

Trin frowned. “What do you mean?”

“You know.” She lifted a shoulder. “The softness part. The—” She cringed inside. “Feelings.”

“Ah. Yeah, all the time. Not surprising, given what they did to us.”

Briar had been much younger than Trinity when she’d entered the program. She hadn’t seen it as a bad thing at the time. On the contrary, she’d thought it was awesome and empowering, learning to conceal emotion and being trained in all kinds of cool things. Tactics, self-defense, survival skills, weapons. How to infiltrate a position, make a kill and get out without leaving a trace. It had given her a purpose and something to focus on other than her pain, the grief that had threatened to destroy her.

Looking at Trin now, she pushed aside the guilt and horrible sense of vulnerability at saying the rest of it aloud. Trin understood her better than anyone ever could, even Matt. They were weapons. Trained killers. Not exactly the qualifications necessary to take care of and raise children.

“What if I’m not mother material?” she said. “What if I’ve made this really selfish decision to have a baby, and it turns out I’m a shitty parent?”

Trin shook her head. “Not gonna happen. And there’s no such thing as a perfect parent anyway. Believe me, there arewayshittier parents out there than you could ever be, my own included.” She tilted her head, considering her. “What’s brought this on?”

Briar shrugged as if it was no big deal, when in reality these nagging little doubts had been growing louder in her head over the past few months. “Just some things that have been bothering me for a while.”

“Such as?”

Things she wouldn’t dare breathe a word about to anyone except for Trinity. “Well, Matt for instance. There’s been a lot of friction between us about my job lately. Then a couple weeks ago he was cleaning out some boxes in his office and I found some pictures of him and Lisa lying on his desk that he hadn’t put away.”

That had hurt. Logically she knew it was stupid to feel that way, but there it was. She might put on the tough act for the rest of the world because that’s what she wanted everyone to see, but there were still insecurities lurking deep inside her.

“She was a big part of his life long before you came along. It’s normal for him to still think of her and have pictures of her. It’s not like he’s pining for her, or that he wishes he still had her instead of you.”

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