Page 60 of Please Remember

Running to the closest bathroom, which happens to be the master bathroom, I throw up in the toilet as the thought of him with Laura makes me see the breakfast I ate earlier as well as the coffee I barely touched. He runs after me and holds back my hair.

"Are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay," I say, pushing away from him and leaning against the wall after I flush the toilet. "I had to find out from her, not you."

Jax sighs and leans on the counter. "I know, but I was... it was after you almost left, and I didn't want to give you a reason to leave again. It was a thirty second mistake, and the truth was, there was a chance you wouldn't have even cared then. Two nights before, you told me to go to my engagement party."

He has a point. "I wish you'd told me."

"I'm sorry. I feel like a broken record with it, but I am, Allie. I'm sorry for all of it."

"Did you tell your friends that you wish I was Old Allie again? The one who knew your inside jokes and could be brought places without needing a babysitter?"

His eyes narrow. "I miss having the woman who knew me better than I knew myself, but I never hid that from you. I never said anything about babysitting. Who told you that?"

"Maybe it would be better if I stay with Sage for a little while longer. Give us some space to determine if you can really settle for me. This version. Make your life a little easier."

"Settle? I'm not settling. The thought of you leaving is the opposite of making my life easier. I can't be without you. These past few days have been hell."

Shaking my head, I can't look at him. "I don't think you realize how difficult all this is for me. Seeing those moments of sheer disappointment when I don’t remember the things you so desperately want me to. Knowing, every day, you wish things were back to normal and we were the old versions of ourselves again. It hurts to know I hurt you, and I'm trying. I'm trying everything that I can to get Old Allie back because I want her back, too. To remember us and your parents and our friends. It sounds amazing and wonderful, but I just... I don't. And I can't. I'm scared I won't ever be able to."

He reaches out, hands shaking, and I look at him, reading the fear in his eyes. "Please, baby, don't leave me. Give me another chance to do this all right. If you have to stay at Sage's for a while to give us time to date and get to know each other again like we used to, that's okay. But I won't survive if you leave me again. Yes, I miss the woman who knew everything about me, but Benji and Drew pointed out a few things to me the other night I didn't think about but should have."

He's mentioned Benji and Drew a few times, but I couldn’t pick them out of a lineup. "What's that?"

"I'm not the same Jax Old Allie would remember. It's been seven years, and everyone changes. Especially me. Losing you changed me more than I thought."

He has a point. We've never talked about how he is different from the man I'd remember if I had my memories of us. It’s always been about how different I am. "I suppose that's true."

"We jumped right into the committed relationship thing when we started moving forward. We forgot to get to know each other as thepeople we are now. I want to date you. I want to start over. I lived without you for seven years, and I can't do it again. Not anymore. Not when you're right here in front of me. Even if you don't love me right now, I still love you. It'll never go away, and I know it won't because it never even dimmed while you were gone."

"You want to... date?"

Jax nods, and he looks desperate. Something about this man pulls me to him, and I want him. I want to know him and love him and let him love me.

"Okay," I say and let out a sigh. "But no secrets, okay? I need to know everything."

"No secrets. There's nothing else, I swear. Who told you about the cookout?"

"Guess."

His teeth grind. "Laura. For the record, she wasn't invited. She hung out in the shadows, and she eavesdropped. I don't even know how she got into the backyard," he says, and I hear the anger dripping with every word. "I'll make sure she stays away from you."

"Sage says she has an agenda."

"Yeah, she probably does."

"She said she and I were friends before, but Sage disagrees with that."

He laughs and pulls me to stand. "You were nice to her, but she was kind of always just there. More my friend than yours, but it was because I felt sorry for her. She wasn't really likeable, and most people were outwardly cruel to her."

"Did I go to camp with her?"

Shrugging, he shakes his head. "That would be a Sage question. Sage went to camp with you. The two of you did almost everything together except date. She was very against double dating."

"Did I play volleyball?"

"Very well. Got yourself a scholarship that paid your way through college. You're short, so you were the one who was always in the back row and set up the front row."

---