Page 4 of Please Remember

"I'm scared he's changed his mind," I whisper, once we’re out of earshot. Only she will ever hear these fears come out of my mouth. She's the only one who understands.

"Why?"

"Are you kidding me, Nat? It took five years for him to eventhinkabout moving on from his precious Allie. She will always have his heart. I mean, I was there the night he planned to propose. I helped him organize that elaborate party, and all I got was a box handed to me and him sayingwe should probably get married. I acted like it was everything I'd ever wanted, but deep down we both know we're both settling. Jaxis settling for me, and I’m settling for a man I love who’s in love with someone else."

Her hands grab my shoulders and shake me. "You deserve this. He's not settling. If he didn't think he could spend his life with you, he wouldn't have given you a ring. He's probably just gun-shy about big proposals. Remember, his last girlfriend disappeared before he could do it."

Nodding, I know she's right. "That's true. I'd be scared, too."

"If he's running late, we both know it's for a good reason. He's not the kind of man to drag his heels just to avoid showing up to his own engagement party. Something probably came up at work. Or he's stuck behind an accident. You know Jax. He'd be the first one to jump out and help someone just because that's who he is."

I smile and think about the man I'm going to call my husband. The man I've loved since I was a kid. "That's true. His compassionate nature is why I fell in love with him in the first place. Before you came around, he was my only friend. He was kind, and he didn't care that other people thought I was weird. He still spent time with me."

"Exactly. Plus, look at you. You're hot. No man walks away from a woman who looks like you."

"I try so hard. I got the breast implants because I wanted men to notice me. And some did. It’s not like I didn’t have plenty of sex before meeting Jax, but he’s the only one I’ve ever felt a connection with. And I know he feels it, too. The first time we made love, he cried."

"See?"

I feel a little better as I look down at my green dress. It shows off a good amount of cleavage, something I know Jax appreciates, and it flares just enough that I can hike it up and let him take me in the bathroom later after we share how much we love each other with ourfriends and family. I opted not to wear panties just for that. We often times have quickies in bathrooms when we're out. That's how much he wants me. At least, that’s what I tell myself. Though, it’s pretty much always a quickie.

"I can't help but feel like maybe we should have done what he wanted. That we should have just eloped to Vegas. This whole thing—” I turn and wave my hand towards the party “—didn't really excite him."

A few people give me strange looks, specifically Sage Hatlin. Allie's best friend has been against Jax and me dating from the very beginning. And the only reason she's still in the picture is because she's the only link to Allie that Jax has left. He'll keep Sage around no matter how rude she is to me. It’s one of the downsides to Jax's caring and compassionate demeanor—he lets everyone get away with everything.

"You put in the work to help him get past Allie's disappearance, and you deserve this, Laura. You should be able to have exactly what you want. And you've been dreaming about your wedding since you were ten." Natalie’s words pull me out of my thoughts.

She's right. I know she’s right. Even before I knew who I wanted the groom to be, I knew what I wanted for my wedding. Not much has changed since that dreaming little girl in her room, lining up her stuffed animals as her bridal party and guests.

"I just... Do you have any idea how hard it is to live every day with Allie's ghost? Once we started dating, he wouldn't let me beyond the entryway of that house. Because it'sAllie'shouse. He's lived there longer than she ever did, but she's still everywhere. I'm talking pictures and knickknacks. And so much fucking red. Even that damn front door is red."

"He just hasn't had the push to get rid of it."

I roll my eyes. "I bet he still has her clothes in the closet. Waiting. Like she's going to come home for them. And when he listed the house after we talked about how silly it would be to keep both mine and his, he spent two days completely alone and probably drunk. Two days. He refused to talk to me, Nat. It's so frustrating and painful to know I'll never be as good as her in his eyes. I can't compare to his precious Allie."

"You don't have to. Who's the woman he takes to bed at night?"

Scoffing, I shake my head and cross my arms under my chest, threatening to show off my nipples thanks to the low cut neckline of the dress. "Sure, he fucks me, but he doesn't stay over. No, after he's done with me, he goes back to his house. To Allie's house."

"You're not satisfied with your sex life?"

"I used to hear Allie and Sage talking about how Jax could hardly keep his hands off her. How they'd have sex multiple times a day. And I try, Nat. I try so damn hard. I've let him do anything and everything to me. I have outfits and toys. We've done everything. And I meaneverything. But he still doesn't seem that interested. Not like he was with her. Sure, he makes sure I get off because he's a gentleman that way, but he's somewhere else most of the time. He's not my Jax when we're together."

She smirks. "You like the weird stuff, don't you?'

"Of course, I do!" I hiss. "But it doesn't take away from the fact that Jax doesn't seem to care either way. As long as he gets to stick his dick in me, he’s fine."

"Come on."

Okay, maybe that's not completely true. "It feels like that sometimes. I mean, sure, as a guy, when I brought the “A” word into the conversation, he was more than interested. But after it was done, he held me for a few minutes, making sure I was okay, but then he still left. Didn'teven spend the night. He hasn't asked for it since, and we only do it if I suggest it. I know he enjoys it, but he almost seems... I don't know. Ashamed? After we fuck, it's like he's going to be smacked with a ruler by a nun or something."

"Is he Catholic?"

"Not the point."

She shrugs and chuckles. "Maybe he has such strong feelings that it freaks him out. I mean, you can't blame him for wrestling with his conscience. At times, it must feel like he's betraying Allie, especially when he doesn't know what happened to her. That has to eat at him, never knowing if she's alive out there somewhere, or if he's going to get the call that her bones have been found. But once you're married, you'll be living under the same roof. He'll be going to bed with you every night, just like he did with Allie. And I'm willing to bet you'll have the same issue she did with him not able to keep his hands off you. Just look at yourself; you have the most gorgeous tits I've ever seen. Every man's dream."

Natalie does know how great they are. She's seen them more than once, and she's the only woman I've ever experimented with. I look down at myself again, and I know I look hot in my dress. But Jax always tells me how much he loves red. Red was Allie's favorite color, and it makes me look like a rodeo clown with my copper hair.

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