Page 38 of Please Remember

The date was great. A stark comparison to most days. Even though Allie's right in front of me, it's not the same. She's back, but she's notback.I love her, and I always will, but I feel like I'm on eggshells with her. That even though we're together, it's not quite the same because she doesn't know anything about me.

Sometimes, the Old Allie will appear. She'll be right there, in front of me, but just as quickly, she's replaced with New Allie. New Allie doesn't ask questions about me as much as she does about herself, which I get. She's trying to figure out who she is and where she fits in the world, but I miss the woman who'd ask me about my day. About how I'm feeling with everything.

It's selfish of me. I know it is. I'm happy she's home, truly I am. I wouldn't give up a single day with her for anything, but it's hard. It's not what it used to be, and I'm not quite comfortable around her. After she got upset with me because she felt like I was pressuring her, I don't really feel like I know what to do. Is saying what I'm thinking too much? Is kissing her pushing her too far?

Sometimes, when she looks at me, she looks like she wants me to kiss her. That she wants me to pull her into my arms and treat her like I would the woman who remembers me. But the moment I think to do it, I flashback to that first night when she said coming home with me might have been a mistake. As exhausted as I feel, I can't stand the idea of her being with anyone but me. Especially since the cops still don't seem to know who did this to her.

I feel like I'm in a constant state of uncertainty. I'd be lying if I said it wasn't tiring. Emotionally, I don't always feel like I have all that much to give. Talking to Allie doesn't always get me anywhere because that's where the undercurrent of Old Allie remains. Stubborn as a mule. It gives me hope, but the longer we go without her knowing who I am, the more that hope dwindles. Like a paper blowing in the wind. I keep chasing it, but it keeps drifting further and further away.

Opening my eyes, I immediately sense something isn't right. It only takes a second to realize Allie's not here in bed with me. She sleeps with me every night, something we've become very comfortable with and adjusted to rather quickly. Without wasting a minute, I jump out of bed to go find her.

Light filters from under the door in the office, and I knock lightly before opening it to avoid startling her. "Allie?"

"Did I wake you?" Allie asks from behind the desk, her eyes wide with concern.

When she looks at me this way, it makes me feel guilty for being frustrated and tired with how things are going. I know we're both only trying to adjust.

"I woke up and found you gone," I say. "It's two in the morning. What are you doing?"

"I couldn't sleep."

I smirk. "You could've just woken me up instead of coming in here to watch porn," I joke.

She smiles and shakes her head. "Would you like that?"

"Having you watch porn?"

"Waking you up if I had the urge to watch it?"

And this is where the line gets blurry, and I tend to back away. "I wouldn't mind in the least. What are you doing?"

She flushes, and for a second, I wonder if maybe sheiswatching porn. If she is, maybe she's ready to take our relationship a step further. God, I miss sex. Especially sex with her.

"I was looking into... me."

And just like that, all my desire disappears. "What? What do you mean? Like your social media pages and such?"

"Uh, no. I was looking up all of the articles about my disappearance."

"Why?"

Her hands fold in her lap. "Because I have questions."

"You can just ask."

"No, I can't," she says and sighs. "It's one of the off-limit topics with us. And with Sage."

"What are you talking about?"

I lean against the doorframe, crossing my arms over my chest, and watch her. I've never had any off-limits topics with Allie. She's the one who doesn't want me to share memories unless she asks about them. Why would she think she can't ask questions about her disappearance?

Her eyes won't meet mine. "You change the subject when I bring anything up about the day everything happened, and you don't seem comfortable if I talk about the basement. I have a lot of questions, and both you and Sage don't really want to talk about it. I thought maybethe articles could help shed some light on what happened that day. Maybe something will jump out at me."

"Allie, you can ask me anything."

"Anything?"

I nod, concerned I've let my emotions show more than I want them to. "Anything."

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