Page 75 of Chubs

“Boxers, underwear, tightie whities, thong—whatever you would normally wear under a hospital gown! Talking to you is like herding cats, Axel! Focus!” I nearly shout at him.

“No imagination needed to know exactly which of those he wears,” Candy murmurs.

At this point, Livi’s leaning against James for support, and both have tears in their eyes.

“Your opinion is not necessary, Candy, and you’ve become a hostile little person, Lucy,” Axel states without heat.

“I’m going to try this one more time. Then I’m leaving your ass here. Where were you going with your ass flapping in the wind for all to see, Axel?” I ask while leaning close enough that we’re almost nose to nose.

“Just a few blocks away from the hospital before Nurse Ratched could find me. Then I was going to call you for a ride,” Axel replies calmly like his actions were completely normal.

“Can you unlock him so we can leave, please?” I ask James.

“I need to ditch this gown. Where can I get dressed?” Axel asks as the handcuff opens, releasing him.

“There’s a restroom up front, but I’d be mindful of keeping that gown closed. Sarge doesn’t make false promises,” Livi suggests.

“She went at it with a stapler like she was Machine Gun Kelly. It’s doubtful it’ll ever open again. I might have to chew my way out of it,” Axel grumbles while standing, but he does check to be sure all is covered. As soon as he walks past, the four of us start howling in laughter at the sight.

The gown is pulled tight between his legs, front to back, with the end of it reaching slightly higher than his waist region. There, it’s stapled in place with at least thirty staples, and he may be right about chewing it off. The overall picture is reminiscent of a poorly tailored leotard currently being modeled by a 6’4” well-defined, muscular biker.

Placing a hand over his incision, Axel struts around the corner and follows James, who’s now carrying his duffle bag, to the restroom. On the way, he reaches back and tugs the hem a little to dislodge the wedgie his leotard is causing, then tosses an evil glare at the front desk sergeant. When the door closes behind him, the sergeant’s stern look disappears, and she laughs loudly.

A few minutes later, the men return, and Axel walks up to the front desk. As soon as he opens his mouth, visions of needing real bail money float through my mind, but he surprises me.

“I’d like to thank you and your officers for your service and for giving a guy a ride today when he needed one.”

“You’re very welcome, Mr. Taylor. Also, I’m sorry about your concerns of having caught hepatitis while riding in our cruiser. We get all types back there, and you never know what a bare ass can contract,” the sergeant answers solemnly. “I’ll make sure to have the seat disinfected and steam cleaned, so the next occupant needn’t worry that your bits left a present behind.”

Axel stares at the sergeant for a few beats, then taps the desk and walks out. Candy and I say a quick goodbye to Livi and James and then follow him to my car. Axel carefully fits his large body into the front passenger seat, slides it back as far as it’ll go, then lowers the backrest until he’s reclined. Candy hops in the back seat behind me, and we’re off. Within minutes, Axel’s snoring softly.

I’m guessing the threat of having to piss backward has worn our little escape artist out.

“I need a shower immediately. I’m positive something crawled up into no man’s land when I was sitting in the back of that cop car,” Axel mutters, then disappears down the hall.

“Don’t get your incision wet,” I holler after him.

Candy and I each grab a bottled water and make our way to the front deck. Taking seats, I relax, determined to enjoy the last rays of sunshine today. When I hear the sound of bikes coming up the road, I look to see who’s riding. Craig and Luke are side by side but slow, then come to a stop when they see us. Dismounting and removing their helmets, the boys join us on the deck.

“How’s school going, Craig?” Candy asks and attempts to sign at the same time.

Candy’s just started learning ASL, but she’s doing very well so far, and I love that she wants to learn so she can include Luke more.

“Waste of time. They placed me a few grades ahead of where other kids my age are, but it’s still boring,” he responds.

Luke’s hands start moving, and I watch him carefully.

“Where’s Uncle Axel? Is he feeling better?”Luke signs.

“Taking a shower. Yes, he’s doing much better. He should be done soon,”I sign in response.

Luke nods in understanding and patiently waits for one of his favorite people. For unknown reasons, Luke attached himself to Axel as soon as Ava and Gunner adopted him. Axel’s great with him and the other kids as well, even if he and Craig battle occasionally.

“Hey!” Pooh shouts from his deck. “Did I just see Axel come home?”

“Yeah, he’s inside taking a shower,” Candy shouts back.

Pooh leaps over his deck railing and walks over to join our group.

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