Page 31 of Chubs

“Don’t make me call Prissy over to pluck a few more feathers, birdbrain,” Axel returns.

I slap Axel’s hand when he reaches for his daughter, and this makes Mac cackle loudly.

“Prissy still not falling for his charm?” I question Axel.

“No! Mac’s a hottie! Mac’s charming!” Mac screeches, then goes silent when Priscilla lands on the table next to him.

“Shut it, boy,” Priscilla orders in her perfect southern accent while staring down her beak at Mac. “Away from my baby!”

I don’t know if Prissy wants Mac away from Alexia or if she’s calling Axel her baby because she’s obsessed with both.

“Danger zone! Evacuate!” Axel warns while scooping his daughter off the table, giving Prissy’s feathers a stroke and then hustling away.

“Hi, Miss Prissy. How are you doing?” I ask while stroking a finger over her crest of yellow feathers.

I ignore Mac’s gagging sounds and wait for Prissy to answer.

“I’s good,” she drawls.

“I brought you both a surprise, but you have to be nice to each other to get it.”

Again, I ignore Mac’s gagging sounds. He’s so dramatic, but Prissy’s no slouch in that department either.

“How nice?” Prissy asks while tilting her head a little.

“No biting each other or pulling out feathers,” I answer.

I reach into the bag I had set on the floor next to my feet, and pull out a small child’s piano, and set it on the table. Both birds’ attention instantly locks on the new toy. I realize I should have bought two to prevent the battle I should have anticipated.

Mac pecks on a key and hoots in laughter at the sound it makes. Prissy waddles closer and, using her foot, taps another key. She gives a tinkling little laugh before doing it again. I breathe a sigh of relief and hope the truce lasts. If not, Mac may need someone to knit him a sweater before winter hits.

“Hi, Lucy! You ready to go?” Tessie shouts from the doorway, wide smile in place.

I groan but push to my feet to fulfill my deadly obligation of teaching her how to drive. I ignore Horse and Pooh holding out their helmets to me but almost take James up on his offer of his bulletproof vest. I contemplate whether it would make my death less painful but pass on it when I realize I don’t really care anymore. That’s become my go-to feeling about most everything lately.

“Let’s go sit in my car while I explain how these lessons are going to go,” I mutter as I pass Tessie and exit the building.

“Save your breath, Lucy! You’ll need it when the firemen are using the jaws of life to extricate you!” Axel shouts as Tessie flips him the middle finger.

“I know the rules, Lucy. The men have all explained them to me many times,” Tessie states as we take our seats in my car.

“There’s a difference between hearing their voices and listening to the actual words, Tessie. You will not be driving fast. You will not be bouncing off cars, curbs, or trees today. You will not slam on the brakes. Pay attention to me when I say you press the gas and brake pedals gently. Not stomp on them,” I say in a clear, concise voice.

“Yeah, got it. Give me the keys and… hey! That hurt!” Tessie exclaims, jerking her arm to her side and rubbing the spot on the underside where I pinched her.

“Yes, it did. Repeat back to me what I just told you.”

“Uh, you said, um, follow the rules,” Tessie says but with a slight question in her voice.

I stab my index finger into her temple, making her jump away from me.

“What the hell, Lucy?” she asks with shocked wide eyes.

“You weren’t listening. If you don’t listen and do exactly as I tell you, I’m not going to be the only one in pain today. You fuck up or don’t listen, and I’ll inflict pain on you. Pain is a great motivator, Tessie. The guys went easy on you because you’re a young, beautiful girl that we all love. They never wanted to hurt your feelings by telling you how much you suck as a driver. Same with Taja. I’m not one of the guys, and I give fuck-all about the world anymore, so things have changed with how your driving lessons are going to go. The first dent or scratch you put into my car, we’re going to find Rex, and I’m getting a taser from him,” I explain calmly.

“Why don’t we take my Jeep instead?” Tessie offers with a hopeful look.

“Why don’t you learn to drive like you’re supposed to instead?” I return.

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