Page 22 of Chubs

We enjoy our meal, and Craig catches me up on everything that’s happened since I left. He carefully avoids mentioning Chubs’ name, and I follow his lead. After leaving the restaurant, we drive to one of our favorite places, FurEver Homes. It’s the animal rescue that Ivy used to work at and where Craig got Bart, his pet skunk. Because the club does a lot of volunteer work here, the employees are used to seeing us wandering the barns and outside areas of the rescue, so they just wave at us as we walk past. Craig leads me directly to the livestock barns.

I walk slowly down the aisle, looking into each stall and greeting whatever animal is inside. Craig, on the other hand, races up and down the aisle, trying to decide who to pet first. Stopping at a stall, I watch a mini-sized cow eat her hay. She moos softly when she notices me, then continues munching her dinner.

Keeping one eye on Craig, I feel the weight of the world settle on my shoulders again. My sense of loneliness is overwhelming, and my chest tightens with it. Starting to feel anxious, I try to slow my breathing to a normal rate. Instead, I’m panting shallow breaths, and the perimeter of my field of vision is darkening. Leaning against the stall, I know I’m having a panic attack, but I can’t get it under control.

“Lucy, let’s sit down for a minute. Come on. I got you,” Craig’s voice penetrates my brain as he grasps my hand and tugs gently.

I take the few steps to the bale of hay and drop down on it, still holding his hand.

“It’s going to be okay, you know. Just breathe slowly. Breathe with me, Lucy,” Craig encourages in a quiet, calm voice while taking audible breaths in then out in an even pattern.

I adjust my breaths to match his and fight back the panic. Slowly, it starts to work, and my vision returns. After another minute, I lean back against the stall behind me, exhausted. Craig continues holding my hand and sits silently beside me. When I finally look at him, all I see is concern and love. Impulsively, I wrap my arms around him and hug him tight to me.

After a moment, he gasps out dramatically, “Now I’m the one who can’t breathe.”

I let him go, and he smiles up at me, but I can still see the concern in his eyes.

“I’ll be okay, Craig. Just going to take some time. You knew how to help me calm down. How?”

“I’m not supposed to tell anyone.”

Curious now, I make a promise.

“I won’t tell anyone. Did Pippa have panic attacks after the shooting?”

“Not that I know of, but maybe. Another person has them sometimes, and I asked the guy, that we won’t call by name, how to help someone when that happens. He showed me on the internet what to do.”

“You can say his name, Craig. He’s your friend, and he loves you very much.”

“Yeah, I know he does. I feel the same way about him. I get why you’re upset because I miss him too.”

“So, are you going to tell me who else has panic attacks? I promise I won’t tell anyone else unless it becomes an emergency-type situation.”

“Bella. She has them sometimes ever since she shot that guy that broke into the Aunts’ home. I saw her having one once and got scared. After she felt better, she explained what had happened and why. She doesn’t want to worry everyone, so she asked me not to say anything. Big Petey, Trudy, Pooh, hell, even Ava and Axel would lose their minds and follow Bella everywhere if they knew. Trudy would probably get Axel to dig up that guy’s grave just so they could mutilate his body. That’s if Pooh didn’t already do it,” Craig answers, then gives up a small laugh, most likely visualizing that scenario.

I have to admit the kid’s probably spot on with his thoughts on that subject.

“If there’s ever anything I can do to help her, let me know. Yeah?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Lucy. Let’s go see the dogs now. Maybe you should adopt one, and I’ll help you take care of it,” Craig says with a sly grin.

“You want to adopt one but tell your mom it’s mine. I know the game you’re playing, but let’s go see their little faces.”

Spending time with Craig and the other kids tends to calm my raging anger, but the calm doesn’t last long. I know Chubs leaving me has changed my perception of love, trust, and people in general, but I can’t seem to tame the anger. I’m literally mad at the whole world. I see Axel and Bailey together and how great they are as a couple. It’s not jealousy that comes to the surface. It’s disgust that he may do the same to her someday as Chubs did to me. He’ll give her false hope of a future, then rip it away. The rational side of my brain knows I’m wrong at assuming this, but I have to fight hard to keep those thoughts hidden. It’s exhausting, and that just makes me madder.

Entering the clubhouse, I groan inwardly at all the happy couples hanging around. Ava and Taja’s pregnant bellies even irritate me. I walk directly to the bar and wait for Toes to notice me. When he does, I order a Jack and Coke. Eyebrows go up all around me, but I ignore them.

“Uh, hey, Lucy. Um, did you say a Jack and Coke?” Toes questions while taking a few steps back from me.

“Yes, I did. Please and thank you,” I answer while climbing up on a stool next to Pigeon.

“But you don’t drink alcohol,” Toes says with confusion still written on his face.

“Do now,” I reply flatly.

“Maybe now isn’t the best time to start,” Horse advises in a quiet voice from the other side of Pigeon.

“I strongly disagree,” I reply in the same flat tone while raising an eyebrow at Toes.

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