Page 18 of Chubs

I nod curtly but keep my head turned to hide the tears his concern has brought to the surface. I know he feels the pain of Chubs’ disappearance nearly as much as I do, but he doesn’t have the guilt I’m carrying for having to lie to his face. I know this is just the beginning of having to lie to people I love because of the one I love most.

When Gunner parks his truck in the back lot of the bakery, I reach over and grip his hand tightly for a moment. He grips mine back before I pull away, open the door, and slide out. I take my suitcase from Gunner without looking at him, turn, and make my way to the back door of the bakery.

As I pull the door open, I nearly break, turn back, and rush into his arms for comfort when he says with feeling in his deep voice, “Love you, Lucy. Please don’t cut us out of your life over this. We’ll find him, and when we do, I’ll beat his ass for causing you this pain.”

Glancing back at his beautiful face, I respond in a firm, steady voice.

“I’m not losing the rest of you too. Love you, Gunner.”

With that, I enter the bakery, ignore the looks from everyone, and go straight to mine and Chubs’ apartment. Entering it, I close the door, place my back against it, and slide to the floor. I pull my knees up, wrap my arms around them, drop my head, and let the tears come.

When Bailey arrives, as expected but dreaded, I have my defenses back in place. Blank face, calm voice, but the rage is still roiling in my stomach. After a long hug, she pulls back to study my face. I know she can tell I’ve been crying, but she doesn’t mention the telltale tracks of wetness streaking my face. Instead, she asks a question I don’t have to lie to answer.

“Are you okay?”

“No, I’m not okay. I feel like the floor has disappeared beneath my feet, and my reason for living is gone. I don’t even know how to be okay, but it looks like I have no choice but to figure that out.”

“The club will find him. They won’t stop until they do. You know that about them. In the meantime, we’ll get you through each day, one at a time, until he’s back home. Go take a shower, get into some comfy clothes, and I’ll make us a tea,” she orders gently.

I nod and make my way to the bedroom. Walking in, I stop, and a wave of pain rolls through me when I see different items that belong to Chubs still sitting around the room. My brain knows he’s gone, but nothing in our bedroom indicates that fact. It looks exactly like it did the last time I was here, and that’s an unexpected blow. I guess I just assumed our apartment would be as devoid of him as my new life. He didn’t take anything with him that I can see, and it’s unsettling.

Pushing past those feelings, I leave my suitcase by the bed, gather my PJs, and hit the bathroom. I stand under the hot water until I have my emotions back under control, then step out. I go through the motions of getting ready for bed without allowing my thoughts to drift to the fact that I’ll be doing that alone.

Bailey is sitting in the living room with two cups of hot tea. I pick one up and cradle it in my hands as I take a seat next to her.

“I know Gunner asked you some questions, but now that you’ve had time to think a little, do you know anything that could help locate him?” Bailey asks in a hushed voice.

“No, nothing. I know some Feds had been harassing him, but he never said why,” I answer in a steady voice.

The lies are adding up, but I’m hopeful they’ll get easier to spew at some point.

“Rex won’t stop until he finds something,” Bailey murmurs.

“What do the guys think? Did he leave on his own, or did he get taken?” I ask because I’m curious about how the club is leaning on this.

“It’s about 50/50. A few think the Feds took him for some reason no one knows about, and the others think he left by choice. Most likely to protect you or the club from some threat. I think he left to protect us simply because it’s Chubs and something he’d do.”

“If he left by choice and comes back, how will the club view that?” I asked with obvious concern.

“I don’t know for sure. I know the club would have to vote on a punishment if it’s warranted, but what that would be, I have no clue. I don’t know if it’s a beatdown kind of broken rule or a stripped patch. I can ask Axel what he thinks,” Bailey offers.

“I don’t know if I’m ready for the answer yet,” I mutter before taking a sip of my tea.

“I don’t think anyone has thought that far ahead yet. We just all want him found and to be okay, you know?”

I nod, indicating that I understand, but my mind is racing because I know Chubs knew the answer but chose this path anyway.

“Would you be offended if I said that I just want to be alone tonight?” I ask into the silence.

“Of course not, Lucy. I get it. I really do. I just wanted to be here if you needed me. I’ll get out of your way, but please call if you need anything. Do you want to meet for lunch tomorrow? Or come hang out at the gym with me?” Bailey asks as she stands to leave.

I stand and walk to the door with Bailey as I answer, “I don’t think so, but thank you. Maybe in a couple of days, though.”

“Fair enough. Call if you change your mind. Love you,” Bailey states before giving me a hug and walking out the door.

I lock the door behind her, place our cups into the sink, and drop onto the loveseat. Exhaustion slides over me, so I curl up on my side and try to get some sleep. After an hour passes and my mind is still too busy to sleep, I stand up and approach the bedroom again.

Flipping the overhead light on, I stare around the room. I see one of Chubs’ shirts thrown across the back of the chair and a pair of his boots sitting next to it. The top of his dresser looks like it did every single day we shared a room. Change, candy wrappers, a pair of fingernail clippers, and a photo of us together all compete for space. Next to our photo is one with all the club’s kids posing together with Mac photobombing it from behind them. Hanging from the corner of the mirror mounted above is one of Gee’s t-shirts with the words “Every Butt Needs a Good Rub” printed across it in bright purple glitter. On the other corner of the mirror are the goggles Chubs had made specially for Mac to ride his bike with him.

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