Page 88 of Cash

“You only ride on the back of mine,” I answer.

“And when would that be, Cash?” Livi demands in a quiet tone.

I hesitate, not knowing how to answer this without jeopardizing my beliefs and this relationship.

“Look, Cash. I know the thing about bikers and their women riding on their bikes. The women explained it to me the first time your club had a ride and I wasn’t invited. They didn’t do it to be mean. They were just surprised I was left out. I get it, and I’ve not said a word because I thought you’d work it out in your mind at some point. But there’ve been other rides, and I’m still the odd man out, so to speak. Even James is invited and gets to ride as a guest. I’m left behind because you haven’t decided I’m worth keeping in your life yet,” Livi says quietly.

“You’re worth keeping, Livi. It’s just a rule I set out for myself, and I’ve never broken it. I’m just not there yet, Livi,” I mutter while feeling like an ass.

“I get that, and that’s your burden to deal with. But you don’t get to tell me I can’t ride with someone who’s my best friend either. You don’t get to claim me as yours in one way and not another.”

“He’s just learned to ride by himself. Having another person on the bike is a totally different thing. I don’t think he has the skill level yet to risk your safety and his,” I explain.

“Okay, Cash. That makes some sense. But you still don’t get to say I can’t get on the back of someone’s bike because at some point, maybe just maybe, in the future, you’ll decide you want me permanently in your life,” Livi says while standing.

“I know you’re hurt, and I never wanted that. I have Liam’s future to worry about too. I have to be sure to make the best decisions I can because they’ll affect him. I also refuse to have a female on my bike unless I know we have a future. I think we’re still too new, and we need more time,” I say in a low tone.

Livi nods her head, face strained, and I feel my stomach drop.

“I can give you that,” Livi states before turning away.

I stand in silence as she gathers up Snots and his things before leaving my home. Suddenly, the home I’ve always loved feels empty. I know I should have used more words to help her understand that I wasn’t saying she’d never be a permanent fixture in my life. I just meant I needed more time to decide. And during that time, I didn’t want her riding with any other man, not even James. Jesus, even I think I’m being an ass about this. Maybe some time apart will help. I gather my son close to my chest and wonder what I just did.

Chapter 17

Livi

James has apologized so many times that I eventually lost my shit. Raising my voice, I told him that he was not to blame for anything and that Cash and I would work things out. Eventually. Maybe.

I know that James feels responsible, but the conversation was going to happen at some point. As for riding with him, James has rescinded that offer stating he isn’t going to cause more problems. At this point, I don’t care if I ever ride a Harley.

The other problem is that James was asked if he’d like to prospect for the Devil’s Angels with Cash as his sponsor. That was one of the reasons he showed up at Cash’s that day. He was there to tell me he was accepting the offer. I had to spend a considerable amount of energy convincing him to continue with his plans. He was so excited to be asked and then lost that excitement out of a misplaced sense of loyalty to me. I’m determined not to allow mine and Cash’s problems to affect James. There’s no reason why he can’t still prospect for the club even if it made for awkward conversation while on patrol. After a few strained conversations, we found a happy medium. He tells me all about his adventures of becoming a club member but leaves Cash out of them.

I’d never admit the truth to anyone, even James, but I feel alone for the first time in my life. I don’t know where my brother is, and my parents both live out of state. James is busy prospecting when we’re off-duty now, and I’m realizing how dependent I’d become on our friendship. I’m happy that James is being accepted for who he is, but I still miss him. The other people in my life are either involved with the Devil’s Angels or are related to Cash. When I walked out of his door, I walked out on the life I was getting very used to. A life I wanted to remain in. What hurt the most was that he didn’t fight for me to stay. He stood in silence and that was confirmation as to how unsure he was about keeping me in his life.

I struggle daily not to let James see how hard this has been. If he thought for one second that I feel left behind, he’d drop the Devil’s Angels and remain at my side. MCs are notorious for being somewhat segregated. The fact that no one in the Devil’s Angels considers James’s skin tone, sexual preference or career a factor, speaks to how this club is different. He was asked to prospect for no reason other than they like him and want him in their brotherhood. No way am I allowing him to give that up for me, so I smile, joke and demand to know his latest escapades at prospecting. I laugh at his stories and keep things lighthearted. I catch him looking at me like he’s trying to see inside my mind, but I have perfected my poker face.

I’m not mad or angry with Cash. I’m hurt that we weren’t on the same page when it came to a future together. I didn’t see marriage in our near future, but I did mistakenly believe that he at least saw a future with us. I never thought for a minute that he’d allow a divide between us over something so small. I’m a fool to have believed that. Bikers and their bikes have a strange relationship, and Cash is old school when it comes down to it.

Cash and I continued to text occasionally the first week but not often. In the beginning, I hoped he’d call and ask to see me. I hoped he would want to discuss things further and see if things with us could continue moving forward. I even, in a weak moment, texted and said that riding with him wasn’t that important to me anymore. It was weak of me, but it was an olive branch because I was missing him and Liam. He never responded to that text and I haven’t sent any more.

James is prospecting at the club tonight, and I’m at loose ends. I was tempted to call Terry and see if he wanted to hang out with me, but I know it’s time to break those ties completely. At first, I stayed in contact with the Aunts, Lars and Terry but their long faces broke my heart one time too many. Now I find excuses to not be available when they call. I’m trying to make it easier for everyone involved by just fading away into the background so calling Terry tonight would just complicate things. When my Captain calls, it’s a relief to find an escape from my thoughts.

“Hey, Livi. Sorry to call but we’re running short. Would you be willing to cover the rest of Shane’s shift?”

“Absolutely. I’ll be there in twenty.”

I do my best to ignore the sad-eyed look Snots is giving me as I leave, but I feel guilty. My poor chubby puppy has lost his friends too.

*~*~*~*

I’ve never worked a shift with Officer Hedman before, but I’ve heard good things about him. So far, it’s been a quiet shift, but it’s getting late and the crazies are coming out of the woodwork. We handle a few noise complaints, do a few traffic stops and then take a quick coffee break. Returning to the car, Hedman tosses the keys to me with a grin.

“I don’t mind being chauffeured,” he says while climbing into the passenger side.

“Works for me.”

As I’m settling in, a car flies past us at a high rate of speed. Like really hauling ass, so I hit the lights, siren and blast off after it. As I’m doing this, an A.P.B. comes over the radio for a car matching the description of the one I’m trying to catch up to.

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