Page 87 of Missing

“No, Baby, he’s not mad at you.” At least that wasn’t a lie.

“Why’d he yell at you?”

“Sometimes adults yell when they don’t mean to, but everything’s okay.” Maybe not the truth but it wasn’t a total lie either. The mental gymnastics I was doing to justify my answers was dizzying.

When I tried to put him to bed, he asked if he could sleep with me.Does he realizes I need it more than he does.Of course, I said yes, because regardless of who needed it more, it’d help us both sleep better.

Before drifting off to sleep, I convinced myself it was all for the best. Not only couldn’t I give Doug what he needed, but I couldn’t live with the risk of losing him. Chase deserved to have a dad who’d stick around, not leave because he was unhappy or because he’d died in the line of duty.

I was wrong, Chase tossed and turned throughout the night, no doubt plagued by nightmares.

My night wasn’t much better, not just because of Chase, but because I couldn’t shake the feeling I’d made a huge mistake by stubbornly kicking Doug out before hearing what he had to say.

I dozed fitfully between bouts of calming Chase down and replaying the breakup conversation over and over in my mind.

Doug tried to tell me something, but I kept interrupting him.

Now he’s gone. Knowing he was gone for good, not just tonight, contributed to my sleeplessness more than Chase’s restlessness.

It’s all my fault.

In the wee hours of the morning, before the sun started peeking over the horizon, I finally admitted to myself that being with a man who could help me feel safe, and protect Chase, was worth the risk of losing him to an early death.

But did realizing he was worth the risk even matter?It was only half the reason I thought Doug and I couldn’t have a future together.

The next morning at breakfast Chase was tired and crabby, which did nothing to help my already crappy mood. I was exhausted and stressed. Not to mention a bundle of nerves because today was Chase’s first day back at daycare.

I couldn’t blame them for what had happened. Chase knew better than to wander off, and they’d only lost sight of him because were helping a little boy who’d gotten hurt. It certainly wasn’t their fault Smith thought Chase was her son and had convinced herself he’d run away.

They were good women, and great with Chase, so it never crossed my mind to send him somewhere else. Besides, he adored them.

Breakfast helped Chase’s mood, but not mine. It was going to take a lot more than cereal to cheer me up.

“Mommy, you look sad. Is it because Mr. Doug yelled at you?”

Damn it, Chase.Why’d he ask that when I was trying so hard not to think about Doug?

“That’s not it. Mr. Doug didn’t mean to yell,”best to just say it, “but he won’t be coming over anymore.”

“Why?” he asked, his expression a mix of sadness and confusion. “Don’t you like him anymore?”

How could I explain it to him in a way that made sense?You don’t have to. He didn’t need to know the reason; I could just tell him it didn’t work out.

“I do like him, but we can’t…” I paused. Did Chase understand what dating meant? I found a better way to explain it. “We can’t be friends anymore.” I turned away, hoping to hide the tears of sadness and frustration forming in my eyes. I wasn’t ready to talk to Chase about this. Not when I was already a nervous wreck about dropping him off at daycare.

“Finish your breakfast while I pack your backpack for school.” He liked calling it school because it made him feel like a big kid.

“Okay.” He lifted his bowl to drink the sugary milk and spilled some on his shirt. “Oh no. My dinosaurs.” His lower lip trembled.

He’s still struggling too. He seemed like his normal self, most of the time, but the smallest things were setting him off.I hope talking to a therapist will help. I’d asked his pediatrician for a referral; Chase’s first appointment next week.

Neither Chase nor I were fit to interact with people today. If I hadn’t called off work yesterday, I would have stayed home with him.I can’t abuse Mary’s compassion and patience by calling off again.

“It’ll be okay, let’s find a different dinosaur shirt for you to wear.”

He sniffled and wiped his nose on his arm before nodding. Then he hopped off his chair and pulled his shirt over his head as he walked towards the stairs.

I picked up his discarded top and followed him.

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