Page 81 of Missing

Chapter 41

Beth

Doug looked like a deer trapped in headlights, looking to me for confirmation, when Chase invited him to dinner. I nodded, because it’d be rude to do anything else.

Dinner was awkward, at least for me and Doug. Chase didn’t seem to notice the two adults in the room were less talkative. Then again, he’d never been with us when conversation had flowed easily between us.

After dinner, Doug said he’d wait for me in the living room while I put Chase to bed. It’d only been three days since the guys from SSI found him, safe and sound, and he was still strugglingto sleep.So am I. I put him in his bed every night, and every morning I woke up with him in mine. Not that I minded; I slept better after he crawled into bed with me. I think he did too. But the disrupted nights were catching up with us.

Doug had stayed with us every night, which was a huge comfort to me, emotionally and physically. But I had a feeling he wouldn’t stay tonight.

Not only did I have to address the reality of being too old to give him kids, but thinking about Jill Smith’s tragedy had re-awakened my fears of losing someone else I loved. Doug had a dangerous job so the likelihood of him dying and leaving me, us, was higher. I might be attracted to protective alpha male types, but that didn’t mean it was a good idea to fall in love with one.

I thought back to the fear I’d felt when Chase was missing and didn’t think I could live with the fear of losing Doug every day.

I can’t do that to myself, or to Chase.He’d never known his birth father, so he hadn’t mourned him, but he missed him. Even if he didn’t say it, he expressed it every time he mentioned wanting a dad.

Doug would be a great dad.

No. I stopped the thought cold in it’s tracks.

I convinced myself we couldn’t have a future, even though I’d been leaning on him, relying on him, for the last few days.He’s ten years younger.And while we hadn’t had a chance to talk about it yet, I knew he’d want kids of his own someday. Kids I can’t provide for him. It wasn’t fair for me to string him along just because he helped me feel safe.

I’ll talk to him tonight. It’s the right thing to do.

When I walked into the living room, Doug wasn’t there. Anxiety washed over me before I heard his soft footsteps.

Good God, I’m wound up tighter than a Yoyo.

“Here,” Doug handed me a mug, “I made you some tea, with a splash of whiskey.” The mug felt warm as I cradled it in myshaking hands.I’m going to miss him and all the thoughtful little things he does.

“Thank you.” My voice sounded shaky.I need to calm down.This would be hard enough as it was. I didn’t need to make it worse by being a nervous wreck.

“You okay?” Doug’s hand on my arm felt warm, supportive. “Come on, let’s go sit,” he said as he led me to the couch.

“Still processing it all.” My laugh sounded bitter. “Chase asked if the women who took him would be okay, and it was hard to answer.”

Doug nodded but didn’t say anything. I sipped my tea, appreciating the touch of smoky flavor the whiskey added.

“I mean, what do I say to that. I know she didn’t intend to hurt him, and I know she had a mental breakdown and needs help, but I’m just so fucking mad she did this to us.” Even though I understood how grief could overwhelm someone and drive them to act out of character.

Doug massaged my shoulder as he answered, “You know it’s okay to be mad at her for what she did, and to feel sympathy at the same time.”

“I know. It’s just hard to reconcile all the emotions raging at the same time.” Not to mention the anxiety I felt knowing my talk with Doug would probably end things.

“What’d you tell him?”

“I told him she’s getting help and can’t hurt him anymore. Then he reminded me she didn’t hurt him, just scared him.” My laugh sounded forced. She may not have hurt him physically, but she’d hurt him emotionally.

“He’s a good kid, surrounded by loving, caring people. He’ll bounce back.” It was like he’d read my mind.

“Probably faster than I will.” My nightmares would last longer than Chase’s; I didn’t think they’d ever stop.

Doug took the half-empty mug out of my hands and put it on the table before pulling me into a hug. His arms wrapped all the way around me creating a protective blanket.I’ll miss his hugs.

I always felt safe, and calm, in his arms. Except tonight. I had to have ‘the talk’ with him, and I was dreading it.

After a few minutes I moved out of his embrace, wiped the few errant tears that had tricked down my cheeks, and picked up my now lukewarm tea. “I do feel for her.” I still couldn’t bring myself to use her name, despite my sympathy. “I remember losing Phil. One of the only things that kept me going was knowing I was pregnant with Chase. I could barely function when I thought I’d lost him too.” I took a few breaths and wiped away a few more tears before continuing, “But to lose them both at the same time? Who’s to say I wouldn’t break completely too?”

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