Page 15 of Alliance

The room she left behind is empty. Cleared of all its contents so my mother doesn’t have to face her mistakes. We don’t talk about Lily or what happened that night. Instead, we shove all the emotions deep down and avoid ever speaking about it. I’m desperate to know what my mother feels. Does she cry at night? Does she have regrets? I can’t understand how you have a child, raise them for over twenty years, and then just move on.

She jumped!

I want to scream the statement at my mother more often than I’d ever admit. Her daughter leaped from her balcony rather than talk to her. All because of this stupid marriage.

I’m starting to understand my sister better. The powerlessness that she felt. The way it crept into her bones and made her heavy, like if she jumped into the ocean she could just sink to the bottom. For the first time, I think I understand why she jumped off the balcony.

What’s the point of living if it feels like this?

Like my life is not my own.

I make my way toward the balcony, letting the fresh warm air hit my skin.

My fingers trace over the edges of the iron railing. I was so jealous that she had a balcony. It pissed me off to no end that she got the good room only because she was older. I wanted this room, with its better lighting and view. The balcony I would have never used. I just wanted it because she had it.

My whole life was spent wanting to be like my big sister.

Now I imagine her lying in bed looking out here and not seeing the beauty of New Orleans, the trees behind her window, the clouds in the sky.

Instead, she saw a way out.

One jump to end it all.

Another sob wrecks from me and I fling a hand toward my chest, trying to soothe the pain that settles there. My legs shake and I sink to my knees, letting them hit the hard tile while I double over. The world feels like it’s crashing down around me, everything I have crumbling to the ground.

Is this what Lilly felt? Did her heart ache and her bones turn to lead? Is this why she couldn’t stand to live anymore?

Did Davis hit her? Drag her kicking and screaming?

Did he threaten her? Promise to destroy her world?

I glance over the edge of the balcony; how high could this be? Thirty? Forty feet?

Did it hurt when her body hit the pavement? Did she feel her bones snap and her skull crack?

Does it even matter in the end?

I consider for a moment throwing my leg over the iron and testing it out. Letting my body fall freely, letting everything float away as I crash to the ground.

I don’t think I blame her anymore.

I think falling sounds pretty nice.

Chapter Nine

THE SKIN ON MY FACEthrobs and every vertebrae of my neck burns as if a fire has taken the place of my bones.

I can’t cry.

Not in front of these men.

“Again,” LaFontaine demands, and again Damien brings his fist to my face.

Crying is a weakness, one they don’t admire. Right now, they’re angry, and they’re using me as a punching bag, distributing their anger through rough hits. Damien is the worst of them. Bold rings adorn his fingers, and when he curls them into a fist and slams them into my face, the metal cuts the skin. He’s taken to hitting the same place over and over again, the rings digging into the broken flesh.

Blood flies from my face and mouth with each hit.

I feel like a broken shell of myself.

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