Page 70 of The Life We Left Behind

I wasn’t going to walk in there pissed off and scaring him. I wanted Cade to know the real me.

Cade.

Trust Delaney to find the perfect name for our son.

Why was I sitting out here when I finally had the chance to be in there? I’d lost so much time already. Why was I wasting even more of it?

I tore open the car door, at the last second grabbing the grocery bag, and took the porch steps in two bounds. I only hesitated for a second before I knocked on the front door. Itwasn’t the fear this time; it was the wonder at hearing the laughter inside.

It struck me that this was an experience I’d never had before, and I wanted it.

I wanted it so much.

So, I knocked again. And even as I stared at my fist knocking against the wood like it was attached to someone else, all I knew was that I wanted to get inside. I wanted to be part of the family that had been stolen from me.

The nerves kicked in again as I waited, and then suddenly she was there. As radiant as ever, but the smile that must have been on her face seconds before was gone, and now she just looked scared.

I hated that I’d done that. That I’d intruded on their perfect moment of joy and broken it.

I grabbed Delaney’s hands and gently pulled her out the door, closing it behind her before I wrapped her in my arms.

“You don’t have to be nervous. I’m not going to hurt him. All I want is the opportunity to know him. But if you’re not ready, if he’s not ready…” I stumbled on my words because I knew this was going to hurt. “I can wait. You and Cade are the most important people to me in this situation, and I want to make sure that we do this right.”

She clung to me for a moment, then, as she leaned away, I almost wanted to stop her. The world just felt a little brighter when I held Delaney in my arms. All the bullshit, the everyday stress, it fell away. Because how could I ever feel anything less than perfect when she was by my side?

When she shook her head, I was already preparing for the worst.

“Cade wants to meet you,” she told me with a nervous smile.

“He does?”

Damn, was I supposed to be this nervous? I looked down at the grocery bag in my hand. It seemed so stupid now.

“I, erm, brought this,” I said, passing it across to her as she turned to enter the front door again.

Delaney just smiled, without even looking in the bag, “It’s going to be okay, Trace. You’re here now.”

She always could see right through to the core of me.

I nodded, trying to get the nerves off my face. Delaney was going through just as much as I was. She didn’t need to be managing my stress as well.

It was as I was giving myself this pep talk that she opened the door, and there he was. Standing in the hallway. Chocolate sauce smeared on his chin. He looked so much like me, like my brothers.

“Hi.”

“Hi.” He shuffled nervously on the spot, and I stepped inside, only then noticing the woman with pink hair watching from the kitchen doorway.

My feet moved as if I was in a dream and before I knew it, I was kneeling in front of my son, my arms limp at my sides because I had no idea if I was allowed to hug him. “I’m so sorry,” I stammered out. “I missed…I should have…”

And then he dived at me, wrapping his arms around my neck, and clung to me in a way that only a kid could.

I’d never hugged a kid before. I’d never even really been around them, either.

But as my arms wrapped around him, something settled in my soul. Something clicked into place. And beside all the regret, the anger, and the sadness, there was a sense of completeness.

“Your mom really sucks,” he whispered.

And I barked out a laugh of surprise. “You have no idea.”

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