Page 3 of The Life We Left Behind

“I’ll do it with you,” she said again. Of course, she would. She wouldn’t be Blake if she didn’t.

I nodded numbly, getting to my feet and ignoring the sick sensation in my stomach. There was no point in putting this off. Telling Cade may bring it all to the surface again, but there was no shame in us mourning together. He needed to see that it was okay to be sad.

We found him sitting in front of Blake’s TV, binge-watching Pokemon for what had to be the millionth time. I knew I was biased, but he’d always be my beautiful boy. Most days, I didn’t want to accept that he looked so much like his father had when we’d first met. His messy, dirty blond hair was impossible to tame most days, and the small gap between his front teeth when he grinned was nothing short of pure ammunition to be used when he needed to escape trouble. Cade even had the same stormy gray-blue eyes that his father did.

Right now, he looked so young and carefree, like nothing in the world could ever hurt him. Except what I was about to do. I was supposed to be the one that protected him, and it absolutely killed me that I couldn’t protect him from this.

“Mom!” He leaped to his feet and collided with me as he wrapped himself around me.

Dang, I loved this kid so much.

“How was your day today?” I asked, waddling over to the couch with a nine-year-old boy still hanging off me.

This was our thing. It was our ritual whenever we couldn’t be together after school, and I couldn’t let this one moment of normalcy pass.

“Jayden said fuuuu…an adult wordin class, and Miss Thompson snorted coffee out her nose.” He looked up at me, full of childhood innocence, and even though it felt like one of those adult moments where you impart wisdom and reinforce a life lesson, I descended into laughter instead.

“I wish I’d been there to see that.” Mainly because Miss Thompson was so prim and proper, I couldn’t ever imagine anything coming out of her nose except that snort of derision she seemed to do at every parent’s conference I’d had to attend with her.

To say we clashed was an understatement.

“How was your day, Mom?” He snuggled up against me as we got cozy on Blake’s couch, and I felt her clasp my shoulder as she offered her silent support from where she stood behind us.

This was it.

I looked down at the boy I would give the world to if I could, and even though I felt broken and so terribly sad, the love I had for him burned bright. That was how I found the strength to say the words I needed to say.

“It wasn’t very good, monkey.” He looked up at me with concern in his eyes, and I pressed on before I could chicken out. “I got a call from the hospital today because Grandpa was there. He’s not been well for a long time, and he’s been trying to get better, but the disease he had was just one that he couldn’t beat.”

His eyes were already filling with tears, and I could feel that tight feeling behind my own.

“Grandpa died today.” My voice sounded so hollow as I spoke the words, but it was all I could do to hold myself together as I finally said it aloud.

His first tear slipped past his eyelashes and tumbled down his cheek, and I quickly wiped it away. Hating everything that it stood for.

“He’s gone?” His voice was so small, and I clung to him even tighter.

“He is, buddy.”

Cade’s arms wrapped around me as he held me tight and cried silently against me. I knew he was trying to figure it all out in his head, and if he needed me to, I’d hold him all night while he tried to do that.

Blake draped a blanket over the two of us and turned off the television before sitting on the floor and resting a hand on Cade’s knee. We surrounded him with all the love we could while his little heart filled with grief for the second time in his short life.

“But I didn’t get to say goodbye,” he eventually whispered against my shoulder.

“I know, Cade. I didn’t really either. He went to the hospital for a special operation, and when it didn’t work, he wasn’t strong enough to wake up again. He was asleep when I got there. I think…I think Grandpa thought it would be easier if we didn’t know he was sick. He didn’t want us worrying about him.”

I had no idea how to explain this to my son when I didn’t even understand it myself. It hurt to be so far on the outside of my father’s life that I hadn’t known this was happening. Maybe it was my fault that we weren’t closer. I was the one who’d run to the city and never once looked back. He’d tried to come and visit, to spend as much time as he could with us, but it was hard having the farm back in Willowbrook. Eventually, the calls got further and further apart, and the visits only happened once or twice a year around the holidays. We hadn’t driven each other away. It was more like we’d gotten too busy with the complications of everyday life.

I hated myself for that right now.

At some point, I’d pulled Cade into my lap, and he’d snuggled against my chest as we clung to each other in our sadness. His tears had long since dried up, but he didn’t let me go. The trustyblanket that every couch should have was still tucked around us, cocooning us together.

It was only when Blake pressed a mug of hot chocolate into Cade’s hands that my eyes lifted from the spot on the wall I’d been staring at. What was with her today and appearing with hot drinks?

She shrugged. “He doesn’t like tea.”

“No one likes tea.” I actually didn’t hate the stuff, but I felt like I’d made a point now and couldn’t back down from it.

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