Page 17 of The Life We Left Behind

“Look, we’ll be there in two days. Why don’t you just make yourself comfortable, do what you need to do to get the funeralarrangements started, and we can sort the house and everything else when I get there?”

“Thanks, Blake. What would I do without you?”

“Well, to start with your wardrobe would be a dire state of affairs,” she joked, but she wasn’t wrong. “I’ll talk to you later, okay? I gotta get the squirt to school.”

“But it’s like an hour too early.”

“Yeeeeeah…don’t worry about it.”

“Oh god. Do I even want to know?”

“There’s a reason plausible deniability is so attractive to criminals.” She laughed, and then I found myself listening to the dial tone as she hung up the call.

It was probably better that I didn’t know. That way I would continue to pretend I was an amazing mom with an angelic, cherub-like child who never did anything wrong.

The silence didn’t feel quite so oppressive now that I’d spoken to them, but it was still so strange to stand in the living room and see the old house so devoid of life. This place was the hub of our family. It might have been a family of two, but this house had been our center, and there was always so much going on with the farm.

I moved to the kitchen, seeing a document box and a folder sitting next to it on the counter. It had obviously been placed there specifically for me to find. The envelope sitting on the top with my name scrawled on it in my father’s handwriting kind of gave it away.

This should have been the thing I hesitated to do, and yet that feeling didn’t come this time. Maybe I’d used it all up sitting outside in the car and staring at the house. Or maybe it was because now I was inside, I could almost feel him here with me. I’d never had all that many bad memories of this house, not even of Willowbrook, really. It was more the fear of the Farringtons making good on their threat and the embarrassment ofbecoming that one statistic every parent warned their daughter about that had driven me away.

Part of me was ashamed of that.

I’d never given the town a chance to prove me wrong, and if the reaction I got from Marie was anything to go by, I think they maybe would have.

Shaking my head at my past mistakes, I decided not to let them bog me down any more than was necessary. Returning here was sad enough because I’d lost my father. I wasn’t going to invite further grief into my life if I didn’t need it to be there. So, I opened the fridge and then chuckled at the sight I found inside—completely empty except for my favorite coffee creamer. He really had been prepared.

I went through the motions of making coffee, knowing the caffeine would be the only thing keeping me going for a short while, at least. Then I grabbed the letter and made my way outside to the porch swing at the back of the house.

This had always been my favorite place to sit, and unlike the front of the house, the pillows and blankets still sat in their usual place as I settled in. I curled my feet up beside me and stared out over the now empty fields as I sipped on my coffee. I could see Cade growing up here like I had. He was a young boy full of energy, and I knew he’d flourish in an environment like this. But small-town life was something I hadn’t been a part of for ten years, and I doubted I could go back to living under the microscope again. Besides, Trace was here. It wouldn’t be fair to put Cade so close to a father who wanted nothing to do with him. It would hurt him in ways he never needed to experience.

By the time I’d finished my coffee, I knew it was time to see what my father had to say. These were his last words to me, and, in a way, I was glad that I’d always be able to keep them with me. When you looked at it that way, it felt more like a gift. I didn’t know if I’d be able to forgive him for taking away my chance tohelp him when he needed it the most. I could see his reasoning and understand that it had been his choice. But I didn’t have to like it.

I set my now empty mug down on the ground and opened the envelope as delicately as possible, not wanting to risk damaging any of it. The white paper inside was folded in three and I opened it carefully, my fingers trailing over my father’s looping handwriting as the tears already started to fill my eyes.

This was it. Our entire life decanted down into a few sheets of paper.

My sweet Delaney,

I know if you’re reading this, then I’m already gone. I’m so sorry, my sweet girl, for not being the man you needed in your life.

My doctor tells me it won’t be much longer now. I can already feel my body starting to betray me. I’m not the man you remember. My strength has long left me, and this disease is already turning against me. By the time they realized what was wrong with me, it was already too late. They say there’s a medical trial in the city that might help me. Some kind of new operation. It was a long shot at best, but at least they might learn something from all this. I don’t want you to think I hid this from you for years. It’s only been a few months at most. Enough time for me to start the process of getting my affairs in order and hopefully take some of the burden from your shoulders.

You’re probably confused about why this is the first you’re hearing about it. I think maybe it’s because I’m a coward. I picked up the phone to call you so many times, and I just didn’t know how to say the words. How do you tell the most important person in your life that you’re about to leave them?

I know loss. I felt it when we lost your mother, and it changed me. I know you already know how that feels. I saw it in your face that night you cried yourself to sleep in my arms. I’ve looked back on that night a lot over the last few months. That’s the thing about dying. It makes you look at every decision you ever made and see all the regrets in the things you did wrong.

And I did so much wrong that night, my sweet girl.

I should have fought harder for you. I should have told you that you had nothing to be ashamed of, nothing to run away from. I hope you can forgive me for that. I never thought less of you for having Cade. In fact, I’ve never been prouder of you. You’ve proved to me time and time again that you possess a strength I’ve never had. Cade is such a beautiful boy. He has the same pure heart as you, and you’ve blossomed from that scared teenager into the most incredible mother. I just wish I’d been there to see you through it.

I should have sold the farm and come with you. For some reason, it didn’t even occur to me as an option at the time. I don’t know why. Perhaps it’s this land and the hooks it’s always had in our family. I don’t want that for you, though. Don’t feel like you have to come back to this place. I always knew there was so much waiting for you in the future. I think that’s why I helped you leave when you wanted to, instead of trying to persuade you to stay. Willowbrook is so small, and you were always supposed to live this big, amazing life.

I failed you as a father by not fighting for you, and I hope one day you can find your way to forgiving me for that. I never got to be the grandfather I should have been to Cade. I should have visited more, spent more time with you both, and taken an active role in your lives. I thought I had so much more time than this, and I can’t believe how much I let slip through my fingers.

Don’t do what I’ve done. Don’t get stuck in the past and forget to live your life. Sell this place. Don’t even think twice about it. Find your dreams and grab hold of them. Do whatever it takes to build the future you want for yourself and Cade.

I love you. Everything I’ve ever done was because I wanted the world for you, and I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me one day. To forgive me for my failings, my weakness, and my absence. Please remember that no matter what, my love for you was always my guiding light, even if I sometimes followed the wrong path. It was only done with the best of intentions.

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