Page 1 of The Life We Left Behind

CHAPTER ONE

DELANEY

Death never came easily. As I stared down at my father in the hospital bed, I saw how hard he’d fought to stay this long.

The squeak of my shoes on the linoleum floors pierced through the air as I cautiously rounded the bed to take the seat at his side. I gently took his hand, the rest of the world falling by the wayside as my attention fell solely on the man before me. “It’s okay, Daddy. I’m here now.”

My voice hitched with the tears I desperately tried to hold at bay.

“He’s heavily sedated so he may not respond,” the nearly forgotten doctor informed me. “He isn’t in any pain now. It shouldn’t be much longer.”

I couldn’t bear to look at this man’s face. It had that sad, drawn expression of someone who was trying to sympathize with you. This probably wasn’t the first time he’d had to say that to someone. What must it do to a person to be around this much pain and grief every day? But, selfishly, I didn’t care about that right now. My soul just didn’t have the capacity to hold on to his misery as well.

“Thank you,” I murmured, not entirely sure what I was thanking him for.

He made his excuses about giving me some time and shuffled out the door, silently closing it behind him. I’d thought it was what I wanted, but now that I was alone in this tiny hospital room with my father, I faced having to deal with a situation I was desperately unprepared for.

“Why would you not tell me about this?” The tears finally broke free of my eyes and slipped down my cheeks.

He didn’t respond. Of course, he didn’t. But I needed to say the words aloud in any case.

How could I not have known he was fighting this disease? Why wouldn’t he have told me he’d come to the city for surgery? How had it been so long since we’d spent any time together that he’d been able to get away with this?

I felt like I’d been robbed of time I hadn’t even realized I’d needed. Was it selfish to want an opportunity to say goodbye? Perhaps it was. He was facing the likelihood of his own death. He shouldn’t have to deal with everyone else’s grief as well.

Looking at my father now, I barely recognized him. Barrett James had always been larger than life in my eyes. He was the man who had done whatever was needed to protect me. I ran to him with all my sorrows, all my problems, and he would have taken on the world to save me from them all.

He was my father.

But this disease had robbed him of that larger-than-life stature. His skin had turned an ashen gray, and he looked so small in this bed. The illness had taken so much from him, and he’d been through that all alone.

My mother passed away in childbirth. The only memory I had of her was the faded photograph on the mantel. He never spoke of her, and strangely, I’d never hated him for that. Every time I saw him look at that photograph, I saw both the love andthe pain in his eyes. Even as a child, I would have done anything to take that away from him. At least he’d get to be with her now.

“Mama’s waiting for you,” I whispered, reaching up to push his hair off his forehead. “You don’t have to be in pain anymore, Daddy. It’s time.”

The only sound in the room was the heart monitor slowly losing its monotonous pace. Every beep felt like a physical blow, but I endured each and every one. I wouldn’t let him go through this alone. Not this part. Not the part he’d finally allowed me to know about. Someone should be here to witness this great man leaving our world.

My grip on his hand never faltered, and I hoped wherever he was right now that he’d be able to feel it. That my whispered words of love would register, and he’d know how much he’d been cared for.

It hadn’t been easy on my father to raise a daughter alone. As a teenager, I’d been wild and carefree, thinking that nothing in the world could stop me. Until it did. Until I came bursting through our front door, heartbroken and confessing to the child growing inside me to my stoic father. The child that had been disowned by his father, the child I would protect just as fiercely as my father had me.

I remembered sitting on our couch thinking my world was over. I couldn’t stay in Willowbrook with the shame of this hanging over me. The rejection was just too much. And even though I knew it hurt him, he heard me, and he protected me like he always did. Finding me a new home with my Aunt Adelaide in the city, even though it meant he would be alone. He never once complained about that. He never made me feel like I was to blame. It was only natural that he loved his grandson just as fiercely as he did his daughter.

An alarm coming from the heart monitor broke through my thoughts, and my eyes raised to take in the flat line on the screenthat told me he was gone. I felt so empty. So alone. How was I supposed to fill the hole he’d leave in my life?

I hadn’t even realized the doctor had come back into the room until I saw him move to turn off the monitor. “I’m sorry for your loss.”

I’d be hearing a lot of that over the next few weeks. And it would feel the same every single time.

Empty. Meaningless. Trivial.

I dropped my keys on the entryway table and kicked off my shoes before looking around the cozy little hallway of my apartment. When I first moved here, it had been with the promise that it was just until I got on my feet. I’d find somewhere bigger, somewhere nicer. But then we painted the walls and filled this place with memories. First steps, first words, tears, and tantrums. And I’d never been able to let the place go.

We’d made this apartment a home without even meaning to, and I loved every square inch of the place.

But the hurt in my heart was more than those happy memories could cover right now. And as I stared blankly around myself, I didn’t know what to do.

It didn’t surprise me when the door opened, and someone walked into the apartment. Of course, Blake was here. She’d have waited for me to return so she could come and hold all my pieces together for me. That was what best friends did for each other.

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