Page 82 of Cowboy SEAL Christmas

Gabe didn’t want to think about it. Not even in a fantasy world, where Monica could understand and believe him. It didn’t matter if she’d believe him when no one else had. She might believe him, but it would plant a seed of doubt, and those doubts always sprouted. Evan made sure of it.

Gabe shook his head, trying to physically eradicate the old thoughts, the old fears. Monica would need someone more whole, more sure of himself. The kind of man she could inherently trust to be around Colin. The kind of man who didn’t have any sort of blights on his past. A man not connected to her job who might undermine how she looked to her patients.

He needed to get that through his own head. Imprint it on his soul, so he’d stop having these moments of hope. There was no hope for him.

“Gabe?”

He looked up and realized he’d been standing in the same position while she’d scooped and pushed her way through the drifts all the way to the corner of the cabin.

“Coming,” he muttered, following the makeshift path her small body had cut through the snow.

“Where exactly did you disappear to?”

He could’ve pretended like he didn’t understand what she meant, but he didn’t feel like being kind right now. Kindness had gotten him into this mess. A soft heart and a stupid brain dropping his guard enough to entertain these feelings.

He snorted as he made his way to her. When the hell had he gotten stupid enough to allow himselffeelings?Feelings he could never, ever allow himself to articulate.

It would be a beginning, and then it would be an end. Ends always came, no matter how hard you worked, and he couldn’t let an ending risk his sticking with Revival.

Jenna and Evan had made sure he couldn’t stay with his mother, but in the wake of all that, he hadn’t wanted to remain. He hadn’t wanted to watch them all turn on him. Better to leave. Better to not try and soldier through.

He couldn’t leave Revival, which meant he could not allow himself to think there was any future with Monica. All futures ended. Whether in threats or in fire, all plans blew up in his face.

“You already had your question for the day,” he muttered, harsh and mean, as he approached. He made himself watch the hurt chase over her face. Life was hurt, and life was pain. Better to give it to her now than pretend there could ever be anything different between them.

“With this weather, the snow should start melting. I should be able to get out of here soon, maybe even today.”

She was silent at that, and they moved slowly through the huge drifts of snow to the back of the house. There was indeed a shed in the back, and they worked in utter silence to clear the snow around it so they could get to the door.

“Even if you could drive out of here today, it wouldn’t mean you have to,” she said quietly. He stared at her in horror for a few humming seconds, sick to his stomach at the sheer amount of hope on her face.

She wanted him to stick around. As though she felt the same thing. Cared about him and fantasized about a future between them.

She hadn’t had anyone in her life for ten years. Maybe…maybe he was actually special to her. Maybe he was supposed to be here, and maybe they were supposed to…

Hell, when would he ever learn? He’d had the same thoughts once upon a time. He’d made it through BUD/S training, become friends with Alex. He’d motivated people and saved lives, and he’d started to believe his shitty adolescence had been worth something. Like he’d gone through all that to be there, helping people.

He’d allowed that feeling to grow and grow until the Navy SEALs was his entire life. Until all that mattered was the next mission. They suffered losses, and still he’d believed that he was exactly what and where he was supposed to be.

Then Geiger had thrown himself on that grenade and saved the rest of them. Geiger had been dead and the rest of them couldn’t be Navy SEALs anymore. And for what? What had been accomplished? What had he ever done to make Geiger’s sacrifice worth it?

He hadn’t belonged in Evan’s house. He hadn’t belonged in the SEALs. Gabe Cortez was a man who didn’t belong anywhere.

He couldn’t ever let Monica turn him into the kind of man who believed again, because men who believed only ended up blown up and alone.

“No matter what, I’m not staying past tonight.” And with that, he managed to jerk the shed door open. Then he pointed. “Look. Shovels.”

* * *

Monica hadn’t said anything to his proclamation of leaving. She’d worked with him to clear some paths around the house, to dig out the firewood and take it inside to dry out. They’d dug out paths to their trucks, and they didn’t speak.

He never even tried to, and she was just…numb. Confused. Silent because she had no words to fight the kind of broken finality his words conveyed.

She’d find some of her own words. She just needed time. Too bad time was running out.

No. That was silly. Even if he went back to Revival tonight, that didn’t mean she’d lose her chance forever. There would be time. In fact, time might be best. Something had clicked in Gabe. A kind of fear. A fear she didn’t understand, but it had to stem from the tragedies he’d faced.

She’d known men with worse backgrounds, that was for sure, but it was different when it was someone you loved.

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