Page 45 of Bride for Keeps

Sierra wanted to pace, but Ellie was so content in her arms, so she had to stay still under Kaitlin’s steady gaze.

“You don’t understand. You always do the right thing. You always have. I have always done the wrong thing, and I always will. Carter and I will always circle back to these awful moments where it doesn’t work. I can’t stand the thought. I can’t survive it.”

“Did you expect to get married and everything would just be perfect? You’d always get along and be happy because you loved each other?”

“Yes! That’s how love is supposed to work. It’s supposed to be happy and easy or why would people do it?” Why wouldlovebe the thing that made the world go round if it could hurt this much? If it meant failure over and over again?

Kaitlin blew out a breath and rubbed her hand over her forehead. “Sierra, I’m no expert, but speaking from my experience and my experience alone… Look, I’m not speaking bad against Mom and Dad when I say this, because I know they always did what they thought was best. They were and are amazing parents. But I think… Marrying Beckett and having this beautiful girl I sort of realized our parents taught us that if we did everything right, everything would work out. But life doesn’t work like that. It’s imperfect and messy and right doesn’t always make sense, which means just like sometimes the person who does everything right doesn’t get everything she wants—the person who does everything wrongdoes.”

Sierra didn’t want it to hurt, but it did, because Kaitlin was clearly thedid everything rightand she was so completely thedid everything wrong. But Kaitlin reached over, squeezing her shoulder reassuringly.

“I’d like to point out, Ineverdid everything right, and youneverdid everything wrong. We’re human. We’re complicated. Life isn’t that cut and dried, and neither are we. It’s funny, Beckett wasn’t supposed to be right, but he’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Even when we fight. Even when it hurts. It’s not love if it doesn’t hurt a little. Loving someone is always going to hurt a little, if only because you’re both human. You’ll hurt each other. It’s in the making up you find yourselves.”

“It hurts more than a little.” It hurt like it’d never heal. Like she’d always be this cracked apart and alone.

“Love is in the hurts—as much as it’s in the way you come away from the hurts. Life is hard. It throws a lot at you, and love is just another way to lose. That’s true. But it’s also the only way to win. Love does make you better. I think, even if you don’t realize it or feel it, loving someone makes you a better person.”

“What if it doesn’t?” She didn’t feel like a better person. She felt as mixed up as she’d always been, with a heaping dose ofyou don’t deserve himon the side.

“Sierra, I don’t know what’s happened between you and Carter. I do know… We didn’t used to talk. You used to not be able to be in a room with Mom and Dad without completely losing it if they dare suggest you do anything. I’m not saying because of Carter that happened, but maybe loving Carter helped you love us a little more, open up to us a little more. I think sometimes when you learn to love one person, it can’t help but spread. I know that’s what happened for me.”

It was…true. Weirdly. Inside she felt like she hadn’t changed at all, but Kaitlin was right. All they used to do was fight or say snide things to each other, and that hadn’t been all Sierra. Kaitlin had been judgmental and mean all on her own, but she’d mellowed in the past year. Love had changed her.

Then there was her parents. All Sierra had done with them for years was snipe, try to protect herself by lashing out.

She hadn’t felt compelled to engage in either behavior with her family in quite a while. Had she really changed? Grown? It made sense, and she wanted to blame the kind of maturity that came with age, but it was hard to deny that learning to handle how much she loved Carter had taught her some things about love and people in general.

“The thing is, and again, I speak from my own narrow experience here: the problem is not in being strong enough or good enough or right enough to love Carter. You love him anyway, or you wouldn’t be this miserable. The problem is you have to figure out how to love yourself, because it’s really hard to build a relationship, a partnership—marriage and parenting—when you’re busy thinking they shouldn’t be giving you all you’re giving them. It’s awfully hard to build a partnership on unequal footing.”

“How could I ever be on equal footing with him? He’s smart and driven and—”

“And didn’t he not talk to you for practicallymonthsbecause he couldn’t deal with his family stuff? Sorry, Sierra, he might be a great guy, but he isn’t perfect.”

Lina had basically said the same thing. And it was particularly weird because up until these past few weeks she’d never heard anyone talk bad about Carter. He and Cole hadn’t gotten along, but she’d figured it was in the same way she and Kaitlin hadn’t. Good and bad. Right and wrong.

Not that this was talkingbadexactly, but Kaitlin was being critical of Carter, the way Lina had been, the way her parents had been, when before this breakup people were usually only critical of Sierra.

But that was awfully simple, wasn’t it? She’d expected adulthood and love to be simple, but… What would ever be simple about two separate people joining lives? What would ever be simple about dealing with parents’ illnesses and time demands from jobs or what have you? If she really thought about what the future held, there would benothingsimple about raising a child. Even for Carter.

“Think about it this way, Sierra. I love you. Carter loves you. Mom and Dad love you. Luke loves you. You’re close with Carter’s sister too, right? And Jess Clark. I’d be willing to bet they love you too. Are we all so wrong?”

“You might be,” Sierra muttered.

“We’re not. You’re funny and I always admired how you followed the beat of your own drum. I was jealous of it. You aren’t perfect, but neither am I, and most definitely neither is Carter. It’s a process, and it’s not all at once nor does it need to be, but you need to learn to love yourself. Because he loves you, and you love him. Which means you’re both worth that hard work to make your relationship work. Maybe you have to make some changes, and you definitely have to work together to communicate what you need, but if he loves you, Sierra, if he’s fighting for you, wanting to make it work, that’s the only thing you need to know.”

“I don’t want to be torn apart again. Have him turn away from me because…” Carter had admitted he’d been wrong, but that didn’t mean he wouldn’t do it again. Of course, he wasn’t in the habit of saying things he didn’t mean. But still, there were things that would happen that would hurt and… “I can’t do it. I can’t watch him look at me and know he thinks I’m less, even if I am.”

“Sierra. He doesn’t think you’re less. He married you, and he clearly doesn’t want to divorce you.Youthink you’re less, and that’s something you’re going to have to deal with. Because he can’t make you think you’re more. You have to decide you are.”

She’d come here for Kaitlin to confirm her concerns, not… Not turn it around so she was responsible for doing some changing.

“And even beyond being enough or less or not…” Kaitlin reached out and touched Sierra’s stomach. “I hate to break it to you, and I know I’m still new to this motherhood thing, but Mom warned me. Your kids are going to hurt you. Over and over again. When they don’t know any better, and then when they do, too. Because they’re their own people. They get to make their own choices and you can’t control them, or make them what you want them to be. You love them with everything you are, want to save them and protect them and give them everything. And it’s never going to work.”

“Great pep talk, Mom,” Sierra muttered.

Kaitlin laughed. “God, it sounds awful, doesn’t it? I think her point was to not put stress on myself to do all the right things. Because motherhood, and life, don’t work that way. What I’m trying to impart to you, not so well, is that you can’t insulate yourself from hurt. You’re going to be a mother. Things are going to be hard and they’re going to hurt. That doesn’t mean you’re wrong or it’s not worth it. Because the thing that makes it worth it all is love, and this I know even after a few days. The love you feel for that little baby you’re growing in there will knock you flat.”

Sierra would have put her hand over her stomach, but she was holding Ellie with both arms. “How am I going to survivethat?” Sierra whispered.

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