Page 56 of Mine

“John, Callie…I don’t know exactly how to tell you this. Whatever I say is going to come out wrong. You are…” Marshall shakes his head, pain bleeding out of him. It takes everything in me not to wrap my arms around him, not to hold him or kneel for him, not to throw myself in front of this train wreck and protect him from any debris, but I can’t. “You’re a brother to me, John, and there’s no easy way to say this, but…JT and I, we’re together.”

Mom gasps, but my attention is fully on Dad. “What do you mean you’re together?” He watches Marshall, the truth in front of his eyes, but he’s unwilling to see it.

“You know what I mean, John.”

“We didn’t know, at first,” I add, somehow knowing that Marshall won’t. He’s going to try and protect me, not give too much information about me being online and meeting guys. “We started talking online, and we didn’t know who the other person was. We didn’t share names or photos. We just clicked. I’ve never felt such an instant connection to someone. By the time we met up and realized, I was already in deep.”

Mom stands and walks over to Dad, who’s working through it all in his head. His jaw tightens, face red, as Mom puts an arm around him, clearly trying to calm him down.

“You met up with my son to have sex with him.” Dad’s voice is hard, a tremor in it that says he’s trying to keep it steady.

“We didn’t know!” I say in unison with Marshall’s, “Yes.”

“We didn’t do anything that day. Both of us were freaked out,” I add.

“But you are now!” Dad shouts. He’s been angry before—he’s human, so how could he not have been—but I have never, in allmy twenty-two years, heard my dad yell this way. It’s just not in his nature. It makes my insides begin to shatter, any hope I’d felt starting to disappear.

“I shouldn’t have kept it from you. I know that. I…” Marshall runs a hand through his hair. It’s shaking. Marshall is the definition of poised, and in this moment, he’s anything but. “I know I betrayed you, and I’m sorry, but he’s important to me. Jay…he means a lot to me.”

I step closer to Marshall, looking my parents square in the face. “He means a lot to me too.”

“Who the fuck is Jay? You don’t even call him by his name now?” Dad shakes his head, still angry, but like he’s trying to put everything together. “You told me you can’t be in a relationship without…those things. Doing them to people.” The disapproval in Dad’s voice is too strong to be missed. Just like I knew he would, he thinks it’s wrong. He thinks there’s something wrong with people who do it.

Marshall clears his throat. “No…I can’t.” The sadness in his voice breaks me down further.

“You got my son into that shit!” Dad bellows.

“Marshall…” Mom says. “I don’t understand. This is JT. How could you do this with our son? How long has this been happening?”

“A couple of months,” I reply. “And he didn’t get me into it. I was into it before him. That’s how we met. It’s a site for that kind of thing.” I don’t typically fold in on myself when it comes to my differences with my parents. I am who I am, and inside, I know there’s nothing wrong with that, but this situation is different. I feel shame trying to creep in—shame in disappointing them, in not being who they need me to me, in wanting these things that feel like such an ingrained part of who I am.

“It stops now,” Dad spits out. “You’re not abusing my son.”

“It’s not abuse, John. Just because you don’t understand it or agree with it doesn’t mean it’s wrong. He’s a consenting adult—”

“And you’re like an uncle to him!” Dad growls.

Mom cries.

Marshall is fighting back emotion. His eyes look pained, his body tense, but he keeps himself calm when he says, “No. That’s not something I’ve ever called myself, and JT has never called me that either. You’re my brother, my best friend, and I love you, but I won’t let you turn this into something ugly. I’ve never felt this way before. Do you know what it does to me that the only person I’ve ever cared about this much is the one who will make me lose you? It’s killing me, John.” Marshall’s voice cracks.

“Then stop doing it. What do you do to my son? Do you hit him? Hurt him? Call him names? I’m not the one making this ugly. How can you ever expect me to be okay with you treating my son that way?”

“It’s not your business what we do, but whatever it is, it’s because both of us want it.”

Dad’s arm swings, his fist flying through the air, and connecting with a loudcrackagainst Marshall’s face. His head snaps back, but he doesn’t fall, hardly stumbles, and he doesn’t make a move to hit back. It’s almost like the punch happened in slow motion, but too fast for me to comprehend. I don’t know how both things can be true at once, but they are.

“You hit him, and I hit you,” Dad seethes.

“What the fuck, Dad!” I shout, going to Marshall and touching his face. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

He pulls out of my hold. “Do you feel better now?” Marshall asks.

“Get the fuck out of my house,” Dad tells him, then looks at me. “Don’t do this, JT. We’ll figure it out. He never should have done this to you.”

Tears run down my face. Mom is still crying too. Everything feels so big—so overwhelming—that I just want to close my eyes and pretend none of it is happening…but I can’t. Dad just hit Marshall, and that’s not something I can ignore. “I love him,” I admit. “He makes me feel strong…confident. Like it’s okay to be who I am. You have no right to hit him in anger, and I’ll never forgive you for it.”

“I can’t.” Dad shakes his head. “I can’t accept this. I’ll never turn my back on you, but I can’t get past this with him.” Dad’s voice is softer now, laced with a pain of his own—of losing his best friend, even if it is his choice.

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