Page 47 of Mine

*

“Is there anythingyou’d like to tell me about shopping with your mom a few weeks back?” I ask Jay when he gets to my house that night.

“Um…no?” He toes off his shoes, but when he begins taking off his clothes, I put a hand on him to stop him.

“Stay dressed for a few minutes, please.”

“I’d rather not.”

“Well, your Sir told you to. Are you disobeying me?”

Jay sighs. “No. I just don’t want to make a big deal out of this. That’s why I didn’t tell you. I knew you’d blow it out of proportion.” He slips past me and goes toward the living room.

“Stop,” I order, and he doesn’t take another step. “Turn around and look at me.” He does. “You told me at the beginningthat when you’re here with me, you want us to stay in our roles the whole time unless one of us says differently. Is that still the case?” Because if he’s changed his mind, he doesn’t have to listen to me right now.

“Yes, Sir. I like knowing what to expect when I’m here.”

I cock a brow.

“I’m sorry. You just threw me. I came over here expecting to be told to get naked and kneel, and now I’m…”

Jesus, he’s right. I could have thought of a much better way to do this. I step over to him, cup his face, and Jay immediately nuzzles into me. “I’m sorry too. I didn’t mean to attack you the moment you came in the door. I’m…feeling out of sorts.”

“Please don’t stop doing this with me. I knew this would happen. I’ve been stressing out knowing you were with him all day. I don’t give a shit what my dad says. I want this. I want you, and I know you want me too, so please don’t end this. I know it’s not fair to ask you to choose me over him, but—”

“Shh.” I press my fingers against his lips. “I’m not ending this. I want you too much.” And in a way, that’s a choice—my choice, and not because he asked me, but because it’s him. “I should have warned you better, but like I said, I’m not myself right now, and I know we try to avoid the topic of your parents when we’re together this way.”

“Yeah…it’s probably for the better, but I would still like to kneel for you while we talk.”

“I would like that too…very much.”

I lead him to the living room, and when I sit on the couch, he goes to his knees. “This is better.”

My heart thuds something that sounds too much like his name. “It is.”

“Was I supposed to tell you about my mom? That was just her being a mom. It doesn’t mean anything.”

“It does when it’s us. Our situation is different than if you were with any other man, but you also don’t owe me that. We don’t do this twenty-four seven, and even if we did, that doesn’t mean you owe me every little thing about yourself. I just know that you didn’t tell me because of the situation, and I worry that you feel you can’t come to me. And I think this is something we need to address. I stepped out of bounds with John today about you, said things I wouldn’t have said as Marsh… Things I say as Marshall, your man.”

His gaze snaps to mine, eyes wide and hopeful. “My Sir?”

“That too.” It’s a confession in the only way I know how to do it. I’m his Sir, yes, but I’m his man too.

“I thought you didn’t want a relationship?”

“I didn’t, and it’s complicated now, but this is more than I’ve ever had. I don’t want you to feel like you have to say the same thing or want the same thing. You’re young, Jay. Who knows what the future holds for you, but I’ve told you before that honesty is important here, so I’m being honest. You said you don’t expect me to choose, but I already have. Being here with you is the choice I’ve made, and I know what’s at stake.”

He gasps, and part of me wants to sayYeah, I feel you there.I never thought I would choose anyone over John, but the moment I agreed to do this with Jay, the choice was made. It still doesn’t completely make sense to me, how Jay and I went from what we were to what we are, but it’s happened, and now we have to deal with it.

“I want this to be about more than just scenes too…want to be more than your play partner. But I’ll never forgive myself if you lose my family because of it.”

I’m not sure I’ll be able to forgive myself either, not sure how I’ll handle it, but the truth is… “It’s not our decision to make. It will be John’s and Callie’s. They’ll be upset, and I can’tblame them. I knew the risks when I went into this, but I didn’t expect…”

Jay lays his cheek on my thigh, rubbing against me like a cat needing attention. “Me neither, Sir…Marshall.”

It’s strange how I can feel so many things at once—how the Sir in me, the man who wants Jay, feels the need to thump my chest and claim him in front of the whole world. That my chest feels fuller than it ever has, which only shows me that it was emptier than I ever thought. But then there’s a vast, gaping pit inside me too because I know John. I know what this means for us, and I don’t know how not to be John’s best friend. I don’t know how not to have him in my life. The thought makes me sick to my stomach.

I brush the back of my hand against Jay’s cheek. “I don’t feel comfortable keeping this to ourselves—not anymore. I owe John and Callie that much at least, but this isn’t a decision I’ll make without you. It’s too big, and they’re your parents, and this is your life too. They know about me. I’ve told them I can’t be in a relationship without kink, so telling them about us is telling them about you. I would never rush you when it comes to that. You have a right to keep it to yourself, and if that’s your choice, we’ll figure it out.”

---