Page 25 of Mine

He winces. “Sorry. I don’t mean to act that way.”

“You don’t, not really. But you also don’t get it. Then I met a man whodidget it, who has spent years practicing, and he spent a month making sure I know there’s nothing wrong with these things I crave. To meet him and discover it’s someone who I know has cared about me my whole life, someone I respect, someone I know will always do right by me…it pulls me in more, makes me feel more at ease. I know I’m giving this part of me to someone who deserves it. Then I think about the times Marsh has taken care of me, been there for me as Marsh and not Sir, such as when he came to the restaurant just because he knows I like working there. I realize Marsh has always done stuff like that—been there for me as a person, without it being anything sexual in nature and just because he’s kind—so how can I not want it to be him? Also…”

When I don’t continue right away, Reggie prods, asking, “Also what?”

“I don’t think I realized how alone I felt in this part of who I am, but I do now. I never thought I felt any kind of shame about it, and I still don’t know that I do, but if someone like Marsh can need what I do… It just helps. Makes me feel more secure in who I am and tells me that I’m on the right path, even if to some people it’s strange.” I hate that I need someone’s approval, but maybe I do, and it being Marsh makes it all the better.

“That makes sense. I’m nervous for you, but I’m glad you get to share this with someone you trust and who will take care of you. But what if it gets serious?”

“It won’t.” How can it? My parents would lose their shit. I could never do that to Marsh. Plus, the man is forty years old and has never been in a serious relationship. He told me as FulfillingDominance that it’s not something he wants. There’s no way that would ever change for me.

“What if your parents find out?”

“I fuck people all the time, and they don’t know. It’s not like Marsh and I will advertise it. We’ll be fine. I know it.”

And I can’t wait for tomorrow. My body tingles at the thought.

“I hope you’re right,” Reggie says, rolling over to turn off my lamp.

We curl up together, me with my arm around him, and go to sleep.

*

FulfillingDominance: Wear the same clothes you wore when we met at the coffeehouse. Take a car service. I’ll pay you back for it when you arrive. If you don’t have the money, let me know and I can send it to you now.

CravingMore: You don’t have to pay for my ride.

FulfillingDominance: Are you refusing me? Is that a limit for you? If we’re going to do this, even once, I’d like to be the one to take care of those things. It brings me joy. If it’s not something you can accept, then I won’t push it.

How is it that I basically melt into a puddle of goo just seeing that? I never had someone paying for things for me as a kink on my list. In fact, I’m pretty fucking independent in that way, and I would have thought the idea of it would turn me off, but I can’t deny the way my insides are now Jell-O. But…

CravingMore: I’m not sure… Part of me is turned on by the idea of being taken care of that way. I never would have seen that about myself, and I don’t know how I feel about it. I try so hard to be who I am and stand on my own, so it also feels a little off for me.

FulfillingDominance: I’m not your parents. When I give you money, there are no strings attached, there’s no disappointment involved. I do it because it gets me hot. Because for me, that’s a way a Sir takes care of his boy. And if we do this, you’ll be mine.

I shiver, blood rushing toward my groin. Goddamn him. How can words on a screen affect me so much? But the truth is, they have with him from the start.

CravingMore: We’ll try it this time and see how it feels. I have the money.

FulfillingDominance: Good boy. Don’t be late.

CravingMore: Yes, Sir.

My insides are jittery and my heart feels like it’s beating too fast as I get dressed—thank God the clothes are clean. I’ve already cleaned myself out. I don’t know if Marsh is going to fuck me today, but I really want him to. Call it manifesting. A clean ass goes hand in hand with a dick inside it, so I’m putting that into the universe.

I pull up the app for a ride share earlier than I need to. The last thing I’m going to risk is being late. I can hide on Marsh’s street before going up to his house if I have to.

My nerves don’t go away the whole ride to his place. I can’t help but shift in the back seat while the driver talks to me about the weather and a Hurricanes game she went to last season. I don’t even know how we got on the subject, but she’s clearly a hockey fan.

“You can just pull over on the street,” I tell her when we get to Marsh’s. She does, then drives away after I step out and close the door. I’m not supposed to be here for another fifteen minutes, and I can’t decide if I should go to the door early or not. Does it look good to be early in a situation like this, or am I disobeying him by not arriving when he told me to?

My thoughts spin around and around while I pace. I’m not an overthinker in any other aspect of my life, but when it comes to this, I want it so much, it will kill me not to get it right. What if I disappoint him and he doesn’t want me again? Then what if it does make things weird and I can never be around Marsh again? What if I’m a bad lay and don’t fulfill his needs? I’ve never had any complaints before. In fact, the men I fuck are quite fond of my ass, but I’ve never given it to someone who is so entwined in my life.

I spend so much time trying to sort through what to do that when I look at my phone next, it’s 1:58. “Goddamn it,” I curse, hurrying down the driveway to Marsh’s large white house that’s set back from the road.

As soon as I get to the door, it opens. “You were waiting for me.” I grin, confidence making my chest swell slightly. He clearly wants me if that’s the case.

“You were cute out there pacing. I considered going to get you, but it was more fun watching you suffer.”

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