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“That’s how you better answer.” He winks. “But you still need other friends. I want you to love being home. I want you to be happy.”

It’s such a John thing to say. Hedoeswant people’s happiness. He cares about others, almost too much sometimes. What he doesn’t get is that our ideas of happiness aren’t always the same as his. That doesn’t mean we’ve failed or are lonely or doing something wrong. We’re all built differently. And he’s not a bad person, just one who doesn’t know how or where to direct the love he feels for those in his life.

“I’m happy,” I tell him, but I leave out the part that I’m intrigued by a man who is barely older than his son. It shouldn’t matter, but I’m not sure how John would react to that. Hell, I don’t know how I feel about it myself.

“Good. That’s the most important thing. I know I can come across as difficult sometimes. I don’t try to be. I just…”

“I know,” I assure him.

“Callie always tells me I need to stop trying to fix everyone’s lives. I appreciate that you understand me. It’s like I always have to be focused on something.”

I’ve seen that throughout our whole lives, and while it’s not always easy to deal with, I respect that quality in him. “Hey, remember that time you had to make the perfect bottle rocket in science and set your kitchen on fire?”

John barks out a laugh. “Oh God. My mom was going to kill me. You calmed her down by reminding her it was all in the name of getting an A.”

“That was nice of me,” I tease.

“God, I’m lucky to have you.”

Our conversation continues with simpler topics after that—some work they want to do around the house, colors Callie wants to paint, their work and day-to-day lives. She’s a teacher, so she’s off for the summer, and this is the time they work on the house. We’re almost finished eating when I can’t stop myself from asking, “How’s JT?” Something about that barbecue, coupled with going to his restaurant, has kept him in my thoughts more than usual.

“He’s doing the same. Hasn’t been around as much. I just…don’t know how to reach him sometimes.”

I frown. “You don’t have to reach him. You just have to be there for him, support him and make sure he knows you love him.”

“He knows that. God, he has to know that. He’s our whole world. And I know it seems like I’m hard on him sometimes, but…you wouldn’t get it. You don’t have kids. I want what’s best for him.”

His statement lands wrong in my chest, even if in some ways he’s right. “That doesn’t mean I don’t understand you want what’s best for your son. But I guess I think he’s the one who knows what’s best for him, and even if he doesn’t, he’ll learn. He’s a good man.”

John nods. “Yeah, he is. It’s just…we’re so different. I want to understand him, but I don’t. He’s been given so many opportunities in life that other people fight for. His lacrosse talent, loving parents, the fact that he’s never gone without, that even if he couldn’t have gotten a scholarship for college, we could have paid for it. I feel like he’s throwing it all away and one day he’ll regret it.”

I nod, unsure how to get through to him. “You could be right. He might regret it, and he might have thrown away a lot of opportunities, but he might not regret it either. You raised a sonwho knows who he is and is proud of who he is. He’s determined. Just like you, only in different ways.”

He bristles slightly. “I’m proud of my son, Marsh. I’ll always be on his side.” There’s a slight edge to his voice he didn’t have a moment before, which is what I worried about. I don’t want to go too far.

“I know. Ignore me. You’re right. You know JT better than I do, and what do I know about being a father?”

Now he gives me an almost sad smile, not doing a good job at hiding the fact that he feels bad for me, like I’m missing something. “But you’re a hell of an uncle, and I’m so damn glad JT has you in his corner too.”

I shift in my seat. It’s not as if he’s never said before that I’m basically an uncle to JT, but it’s not something that’s truly been a thing. I’m always just Marsh to JT—his dad’s best friend. I don’t know why I’m even thinking about that anyway.

We finish our lunch and go our separate ways. Half a day of work left until tonight, when I’ll again meet a young man online who is more intriguing to me than he should be.

*

CravingMore: Do you ever feel like no matter what you do, it’s the wrong thing? Or like what feels right to you is disappointing to the people you care about, but if you change for them, then you’re not being true to yourself?

I stare at the screen, surprised by the question. Sure, CravingMore and I have talked about all sorts of things, but he’s never asked a question like this, and I’m not sure where it came from.

FulfillingDominance: Are you okay?

CravingMore: Yeah, just a lot on my mind.

FulfillingDominance: Who do you feel you let down?

CravingMore: I’d rather not say. Is that okay, Sir?

I smile, which is ridiculous. I don’t understand why I’m even doing it. Because he called me Sir and asked permission? That’s my thing. It’s always been my thing, and it’s never made me smile simply seeing it on a screen before.

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