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CHAPTER TWENTY-EIGHT

Marshall

“What are yougoing to do this weekend?” I ask Jay. I plan to drive to Asheville for the guys’ weekend I usually share with John, but this year I’m going alone. It’s something I’m still trying to work through.

“I don’t know. I’ll hang out with Reggie. I can keep myself busy, you know. While I prefer to spend my nights with you, I can find things to do myself,” he says in a teasing voice.

I lean against my car and pull him to me. “I know. I don’t doubt it. I have to admit, I did think about locking your dick up while I’m gone.” I slide my hand between our bodies and cup him, making sure to keep him protected so no one can see.

“Please?” Jay asks, fluttering his lashes playfully.

“Next time.” I cup his cheek and lean in, dropping my forehead against his. “I’m going to miss you.” Jesus, have I ever missed someone knowing we’d be apart for only a couple of days? What is this man doing to me? All I know is I love it and don’t want it to stop.

“I’ll miss you too. I’m sorry you’re going alone.”

I debated even going at all. In some ways it feels silly. What’s the point of spending a guys’ weekend alone? But I also think I need it. Not because I need time away from Jay, but because I need to come to terms with losing John. Maybe that can happen there, in that space we’ve shared so many laughs over the years. I just know I’m doing a terrible job with it here.

“It’s not your fault,” I tell him.

“Isn’t it, though?”

“No. And we’re not doing this again. Your Sir says.”

“My Sir is mean,” he teases.

“You have your house key? You’re welcome here while I’m gone.” I want him here all the time. Want him to move in with me but haven’t been able to ask.

“I have it, but I’m going to stay with Reg. Now stop stalling and go drink expensive bourbon by yourself while you jerk off and think of me.”

“There’s a very expensive bottle in my bag in the trunk.”

“I know. Dad would always find a new one to take when the two of you went away.”

We’re both quiet for a moment, buried beneath the weight of how our love has changed our other relationships. As much as I hate losing John and Callie… “I don’t regret you.”

“I don’t regret you either.”

I kiss him goodbye, then get into my car. Jay watches me drive away, and then I assume he’ll get into his own and do the same.

It’s a little over a four-hour drive to Asheville and the cabin John and I bought together. A cabin we figured we would share for the rest of our lives. I wonder what will become of it now. I love him, but he’s a stubborn shit, and he’s angry, so I can see him trying to buy me out or sell to me, if only to prove a point.

I love Asheville, and I have so many memories up in the mountains with John and his family when we were kids. I told him I’m bisexual when we were up here, learned to play harmonica from his dad up here. We both love it so much, we would spend birthdays in Asheville too. That’s why when John asked if I wanted to buy a cabin with him, I jumped at the opportunity. Part of him had done it for me, I think, because he knew how much I loved our time here. He was giving us a way to continue having it. That’s the way John is, which is why this all hurts so much.

I pull down the gravel road leading to the three-bedroom log cabin. It’s tucked into oak and maple trees. The foliage in the fall is gorgeous, filled with reds and oranges, and I wonder if I’ll have more time to make it here. It’s usually my favorite time to come.

I park and get out of the car, then grab my bag from the trunk. I have a food delivery order scheduled for later, but we always keep some dry and canned foods in the pantry.

I walk up the porch stairs, then unlock the door. Sunlight shines through the living room windows—the blinds are open, which is strange. We usually make sure to close them.

I set my bag by the door and walk through the living room. Nothing looks out of place, but when my gaze catches on the sliding glass door that leads to the back, I see him.

John is here.

He has his back to me and is sitting in one of the outdoor chairs. And on the table beside him…a bottle that looks familiar because I’ve brought the same. Damn it. He even bought the same brand as me this year?

I watch him for a moment as he stares into the woods. He must have parked in the garage. I can turn around right now and slip out. John would never know I’m here. But the thought makes my chest too tight, sends a tornado of anger and sadness sweeping through me.

I shouldn’t have to leave my own fucking cabin. After everything we’ve been through, can’t he at least talk to me?

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