Page 58 of Mine

Jay joins me moments later, his sneakers removed as well, and sits beside me. I drop my head against the back of the couch when he places the ice pack against my cheek. “John has a really strong swing. Who would have thought?” I close my eyes, wishing I didn’t see the look on my ex-best friend’s face when I do.

“I can’t believe he hit you. I’ll never forgive him for that.”

My lids pop open. “No. I don’t want that. I don’t want what is between me and your dad to come between you and your parents. Regardless of the circumstances, I did betray your father. I knew what was at stake, and how he felt, and I did it anyway. I’m in the wrong here, and though violence isn’t the answer, and he couldn’t be more wrong, from his perspective, I’m hurting his only son in a way you shouldn’t be hurt.”

Despite knowing John is wrong about BDSM and kink, I can’t help hating myself for everything that’s happened, for doing what I do with his son.

“He’s judgmental. He hit you in anger. You would never do that to me or to him. You give me what I want and set me free. He tries to put me in chains. Plus, impact play isn’t even the main piece of what we do.”

No, it’s not, but that’s irrelevant. It’s how John sees this. “I don’t think him knowing the rest of it will make things any better.”

“I like what we do.”

I sigh, my chest swelling because of this sweet boy. “I like it too. Come here. I want to hold you.”

Jay sits back against my right arm, head on my shoulder, facing me slightly so he can hold the ice to me. We stay like that, just being close. Eventually, we end up lying down together, limbs tangled as we fit ourselves on a couch that’s not technically large enough for both of us to be on comfortably. It’s never mattered before, and it definitely doesn’t now.

Jay falls asleep, and I watch him for a little while. When I look at him now, he’s a completely different person to me than he was before we met up in that coffeehouse.

“I love him.”

I keep hearing the conviction in his voice when he said those three words to his parents. He’s so fucking brave, so strong in who he is. I knew that before, of course—the way he never did what his parents thought he should do—but I see it even more in him now.

He’s said the words out loud already, and I haven’t.

Eventually, I fall asleep too. I don’t know how much time has passed when I wake to him wiggling in my arms, and I can tell he’s getting up.

“Sorry. I didn’t want to wake you, but I have to pee.”

“It’s fine.” I kiss the tip of his nose.I love you.The words shouldn’t be that hard to say. I’ve given up the most important people in my life for him. I should be able to say them.

The ice pack is warm by now and sitting on my chest. He takes it, then brushes the back of his hand against my face. “You’re bruised on your cheekbone, and not the sexy kind of marks like you give me on my ass.”

“You don’t think it’s hot for me to look tough?” I try to joke.

“It’s not funny. I’m angry they blame you and not me. It’s not fair. I—”

“Shh.” I lean in and press my lips to his. “I have to go to the bathroom too, and I want my little sub boy to hold my cock for me while I do.”

I don’t know if this is the time to slip into our roles, but I feel some comfort at the familiarity. While we’ve never done this specific action before, I’m reminding us both of our places and maybe silently asking him if he’s okay with it. Still, I have to admit that for the first time in my life, there’s a quiet voice in my head that’s suddenly unsure of this thing I’ve always needed. When someone you love looks at you like you’re trash under their feet, it’s hard not to start seeing yourself that way too.

“Please, Sir. I would love that.”

“Good boy,” I reply, testing the words on my tongue again. It’s such a strange dichotomy—I feel unsure about using them, yet angry at myself for feeling like that. I know there’s nothing wrong with this, but my head is a mess.

Since he’s on the edge, Jay gets up first. We go into the bathroom downstairs, and he kneels and begins opening my jeans. I don’t watch him while he does, instead looking at myself in the mirror…at the purple bruise on my cheek and the dimness in my eyes.

“I’m done, Sir,” Jay says, and I realize he has my jeans open, and he’s actually pulled both my jeans and underwear beneath my ass without me noticing.

I move over until I’m standing in front of the toilet, Jay still on his knees. He grabs ahold of my soft cock, aiming it at the water, and waits. It takes a moment for the pipes to start running, but eventually the first squirt shoots out. Jay moans deliciously beneath me, and I can’t deny the heat that shoots through my body. It’s impossible to control with him.

My flow evens out, and he adjusts the angle. He really is breathtaking, watching me with rapt attention as if everything I do fascinates him. As if I’m this precious thing to him in a way that’s completely foreign to me.

When I finish, there’s a drop at the tip, and instead of shaking it off, he asks, “Can I, Sir?”

I shouldn’t say yes. Jesus, what would John think if he knew? My eyes squeeze shut as I try to push those thoughts away.

“Sir?” he asks, concern in his voice.

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