Page 33 of Rope Me In

Gavin’s eyes widen, as if the word I uttered was the worst thing to have ever come out of my mouth. I may be a small-town country boy, and I may not have gone to college, but I know what I’ve been struggling with. It became even more clear to me that day in Dr. Ellis’s office.

And it’s not like Gavin hasn’t struggled with it, either, or Momma or Gran. Fuck, Dad sure as hell did—I know that now. Living in a town like this, it’s natural to get depressed. Most people here are depressed. Some deal with it by drinking, others are able to ignore it, some hide it. I’m just not hiding it anymore, and it’s making him uncomfortable. It’s making my entire family uncomfortable.

“Kade, if you need help, I can get it for you. There are things that—”

“Don’t,” I snap. “Please don’t talk at me like that.”

He closes his eyes and inhales through his nose. “I don’t mean to talk at you or lecture. I swear I’m just trying to talk to you. I’ve been trying.”

“No, you haven’t. All you’ve done is talk at me. That’s all you’ve done this past year. You tell me what you think I need—to go slower, to go along with your dude ranch plans, to not drink, to not flirt. It’s always talkingatme like I’m a little boy who needs to understand. I’m not your baby brother anymore. I’m an adult.”

“If you started acting like an adult, this wouldn’t be an issue.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what it means. Christ, Kade, can’t you see how much you’ve changed? We can’t even speak more than a few words without fighting.”

“You know what I think, Gav?”

“No, I don’t.”

I shake my head, my temper rearing its ugly head. “I think you’re upset that you’ve changed and I didn’t come along for the ride. That you haven’t been acting like an adult with all your fucking lies. That you’ve given all your care and attention to Blake and now your precious dude ranch. I think you feel insurmountable guilt because the place you didn’t want is yours now. That you took it from me and haven’t looked back.”

He has the audacity to look hurt and semi-shocked by my words. “We talked about this.” He huffs.

“No, you talkedatme. You apologized, sure. But all you’ve been doing is telling me what’s going to be done. You told me how it would all work. You told me when you planned to open, how many horses we need, the renovations being done, what my jobs will be.”

“I was asking for your opinion the entire time. I tried to involve you as much as possible these past months, but you never seemed interested.”

“I was injured! And I was in a lot of fucking pain some nights, if you don’t remember.”

He grimaces. “Idoremember. I was trying to give you space. I was doing the best I could, and you never said you felt this way. I thought we were trying to move on.”

“You should’ve asked me! We talked in the hospital, and you just took my apology to mean everything was hunky-dory.”

“That’s not fair, Kade. We talked as a family, and we agreed to move forward with this idea.”

I think of the first few nights after I came home from the hospital, how we sat down for a family meeting in the living room. My arm was killing me, I was still getting out of breath just walking from one room to the other, and I was craving a drink of whiskey I wasn’t allowed to have because of my pain meds.

“I agreed because there was no other choice,” I spit. “And even if there was, you were so stuck on the idea. Not just you, either, but Momma and Gran, too.”

“If you didn’t want the dude ranch, you should’ve said something. It’s too late now, Kade. We’ve spent too much money. We have to see it through.”

“Which is exactly what you and Blake want.”

Gavin rubs the back of his neck again, the tell that says I’m stressing him out. “I thought you loved Blake. And after all she’s done for you—”

“I never asked her to save me!” I bellow. The words seem to ring through the loft even though there’s no echo. “I never wanted…”

I spin myself back to look at the landscape. The sunset is far too beautiful for how ugly I feel on the inside right now. The walls I let down for a moment build back up, and by the time Gavin speaks again, I’m no longer willing to listen.

“You never wanted what, Kade?”

“It doesn’t matter,” I say quietly.

Gavin steps closer, and this time, he does place a hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off and turn so we’re facing each other again. The pain in his eyes is almost too much to bear. It reminds me of looking in the mirror, and for a heartbeat, I feel bad for how I’ve been treating the people I love. But that bad feeling doesn’t last, because my own pain is a bigger burden. It’s blackened my insides, and now, it’s all I feel.

“Kade, let us help you,” Gavin pleads.

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