Page 37 of Oar Than Friends

‘Did you speak to her?’

He shook his head. ‘No. I walked out.’

‘How many people are in your module group?’

‘Ten. So I can’t even hide.’ He sighed again, ‘This module group is graded as a whole, so we have to carry each other. There can be no weak links, but I really don’t want to be part of her getting a decent grade.’

‘Oh fuck, mate, I’m sorry. That’s really fucked up. I’d say I’d attend your classes with you, but not sure even I can pull off feigning interest in philosophy. Maybe we should get you some security guards …’

I stopped talking as his eyes widened, and he snapped his fingers.

‘No! I need a girlfriend.’

‘What?’ I crooked my head, checking I’d heard right.

After Evie had dumped him the second time around, he’d sworn off girls and stuck to it, save for a couple of drunken hook-ups here and there. He’d never brought a girl back to the house, and he’d never mentioned one.

‘Not a real one, obviously. I need someone to pretend to be my girlfriend, so Evie won’t speak to me.’ He frowned slightly, his thinking face forming with a slight purse of his lips. ‘Yes, that’s what I need. Has your American got any friends?’

‘What?’ I said again. Sometimes, keeping up with the speed at which Charlie’s brain worked was an impossible feat.

‘Oz. Does your American girlfriend have any friends who can be my fake girlfriend?’ he repeated slowly, enunciating every word.

‘I’m not remedial, Charles. I heard you the first time, I’m just processing your question. While I fully support your quest to find a fake girlfriend, there are some details you’ll need to iron out, not to mention the first, I don’t have an American girlfriend. Kate hasn’t replied to a single one of my messages, and I’d imagine that any friends she does have are based in Cambridge like her. If you want a fake girlfriend she’s going to need to be around campus, otherwise she’s nothing more than a rumour and Evie will still bother you.’

‘Yes. Yes, you’re right.’ He spun quickly, scanning the bar as though checking to see if Future Fake Girlfriend was in here now. I almost felt sorry for her, she had noidea what she’d be letting herself in for. ‘Think there’s anyone on the rowing squad?’

I did a mental scan. I hadn’t noticed anyone new on the O.U.W.B.C. squad, not that I paid that much attention anyway, but recently my mind had been too busy focusing on other things. American things.

‘I don’t know.’

‘Maybe I should put an ad out,’ he pondered, then snapped his fingers a second time as a brainwave occurred for another likely suspect. ‘Fuck, why didn’t I think of it already? Brooks’ sister started this year. She’ll do.’

Beer dribbled down my chin as I missed my mouth with the glass, and wiped it away with my hand.

‘Oh, please let me be there when you ask him.’

‘Why? I’m not asking, I don’t need permission. It’s not an actual relationship, and I’m not looking to date her. I just need people to think we are.’

I grinned, ‘Yes, I know.’

‘Don’t make it weird.’

‘Oh, I have full faith you’ll do that all by yourself.’

He scowled at me just as I caught a flash of movement, then the thud of a giant fist in my arm announced exactly who it was. ‘Ow, fuck that hurt!’

Bitters plonked himself in the chair next to me and shifted forward as I tried to punch him back, but the guy could dodge a bullet, with reaction times to rival any championship boxer and the power to match. Come to think about it, if he stopped rowing he’d make a very mean heavyweight. Drake sat down on the other side of him, shaking his head in amusement. We’d all been the recipient of a Bitters dead arm.

I rubbed my throbbing arm. ‘Is Joshi with you?’

‘Yes, just at the bar.’ He nodded in the general direction, though I couldn’t see Joshi through the crowd of first years on a pub crawl – identifiable from the tartan socks and golfing caps they were all wearing – until the crowd split and Joshi walked through, somehow carrying five pints of beer and not spilling a drop. Bitters took one and downed half of it before Joshi had even taken his seat.

‘Thanks, buddy.’

‘You’re welcome,’ Joshi replied, taking his own large glug before wiping the thin moustache of foam from his lip. ‘What’s been going on? Have you heard from the boys?’

I used the opportunity to check my phone, but the screen was blank. Nothing from the boys.

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