Page 124 of Oar Than Friends

‘Oh Katey, you look skinny. Are you eating? Have you lost weight from all this training? Do you need some food? I’ll send you some pie. I just made apple, I’ll send it to you. It’ll stop you looking so tired.’

‘Thanks Mom, sounds good.’ I tried to smile at the barrage of questions, but I was too busy wishing I hadn’t answered the call in the first place.

‘Anyway, Happy Valentine’s Day, sweetheart.’

‘Thanks, Mom. You too. Thanks for my card.’ It was the only card I’d gotten.

‘And what about the sweater? Are you wearing it?’ She put down the sheet of pastry she was rolling and peered closer to the camera.

Like the Thanksgiving pyjamas, and the Christmas pyjamas, my mom also went all out for Valentine’s. The one she’d sent for me this year had a cartoon bear on the front, sitting inside a heart. Around the outside read‘ILove You Beary Much’.Even if people hadn’t been trying to snap a picture of me as I walked around campus, there was still no way it was being worn in public.

I groaned, with a shake of my head. ‘No, Valentine’s isn’t such a big thing here.’

‘What? How is that possible? It’s everywhere.’

‘The Brits don’t buy into Hallmark like we do.’

Given the expression on her face, I expected her to burst into tears any second, and it made me laugh so much I forgot that my own tears had been forming at the sound of her voice. It didn’t last long.

‘And what did Oz send you? Please tell me he sent you flowers after everything that’s been going on.’

I shook my head as fat droplets rolled down my cheek. I wasn’t sure why I hadn’t told my mom about breaking up with Oz when I shared everything else, but perhaps if I didn’t voice it out loud to her, I could fix what had happened. Though I still hadn’t figured out how.

‘No,’ my breath stuttered, as I tried to keep my shit together, ‘we broke up.’

Her rolling pin clattered on the counter, ‘What? Oh honey, why? Why didn’t you tell me?’

‘I dunno, because I panicked, I guess. It was all too much, and I needed some time to process it all, but he took it to mean a break-up. I’ve been so stupid recently.’

‘Oh, Katey, you’re not stupid, the boys are the idiots. You’ll fix it and it’ll all blow over.’

She started rolling out her pastry again, because everything wasthatsimple. Except it wasn’t and it only made me sob harder, because I realized my stupidity wasn’t exclusive to Oz. I was sitting at my desk, and the last twopapers I’d been handed back were in front of me, both with a big red number three scrawled on the front; the third was burning a hole in my backpack. To the left was a pile of material I hadn’t attempted to start reading yet, and my laptop was open showing a blank document which I’d been staring at for the past hour, typing and deleting words I couldn’t seem to get right.

It was the story of my life. I was getting nothing right.

Not Oz, not my coursework, and barely even rowing.

The pressure inside my chest suddenly became so overwhelming that I couldn’t stop the onslaught of tears now pouring down my cheeks.

‘Sweetheart, don’t cry. You’re doing such a good job, and you have your race soon. You’ll be fine.’

‘I’m not doing a good job. I’m failing at everything,’ I wailed.

‘Rubbish,’ she scoffed, and pointed the rolling pin at me. ‘You’re at Cambridge, studying to be a doctor. A doctor. That’s not failing, Katey. I was telling Mrs Rogers how well you’re doing there, and you have yourself a handsome boyfriend. It’s all great. Jake would have loved it, he’d be so proud of you.’

Whatever pep talk she thought she was giving me didn’t have the desired effect, quite the opposite in fact, and my palm slammed on my desk loud enough that she stopped rolling her pastry.

‘Mom. Enough!’ I shouted. ‘Stop bringing Jake into this. He wouldn’t be proud, he’d wonder what the fuck I was doing.I’mwondering what the fuck I’m doing!’

‘Katherine Astley …’

‘No, Mom. I’m not doing a good job, stop telling me I am.I’ve messed up my course, I’ve messed up with Oz, and at this rate I’m going to lose the race. I’m failing, Mom.’ I sobbed again, snatching away the tears streaming down my face. ‘I’m a failure. Jake wouldn’t be proud, and you shouldn’t be either.’

She stayed silent, letting me sob and sob until there were no tears left to cry, but she wasn’t going to stay silent forever.

‘Kate, I know you’re not telling me how I should feel about my kids.’

‘Mom …’

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