Page 122 of Oar Than Friends

‘But what, Kate? What are you saying?’

‘I just need some space.Weneed some space until the race is over.’

‘What’s space? What does that mean, you’re breaking up with me? Please, Kate.’ My voice had taken on her panic. ‘Please, please don’t. This isn’t the answer, I promise you. It’ll blow over.’

‘It won’t blow over!’ she shouted so loudly I was convinced the guy walking on the other side of the street could have heard. ‘I have six years of studying here, and you’re never going to leave Oxford, so, no, it won’tfucking blow over. It’ll be the same story every Boat Race for the next six years!’

‘So itismy fault?’ I snapped back. ‘My fault because I don’t want to go into politics? But what about you? It’s your six years we’re talking about, yet it’s obvious to anyone that you don’t want to be a doctor.’

‘Oz …’

Her tone was laced with a warning that I was stepping over the invisible line we’d built around us where we avoided talking about the future, but I was on a roll; the week of helplessness and frustration at putting us in this situation had boiled over. I would take the blame for getting us here, but not for stopping us moving forward. That was on both of us.

‘No, Kate. You don’t get to say to me that the next six years of our future is in jeopardy because I won’t stand up to my father, when you won’t tell your parents that you have your own dreams to pursue, instead of Jake’s,’ I hissed, trying my best to make sure no one could overhear. ‘You’re keeping your future on hold as much as I am.’

‘It’s not the same thing, and you know it.’

My teeth gritted at her tone. ‘That’s the problem though, it is. And I seem to be the only one of us who realizes it.’

‘Jake died.’ She let out a loud sniff, which hit me straight in the gut.

I swallowed down the lump in my throat. ‘Yes, I know. But that doesn’t mean you get to put your life on hold in order to live his. You’re still alive.’

All I could hear down the phone was her muffled sobs,each one slicing into my chest like a tiny paper cut. But I could see things clearer now. The call might have started with her breaking up with me, but now I couldn’t be certain if perhaps I wasn’t breaking up with her. If she didn’t want people to be interested in us dating, then we wouldn’t date. Simple. And my messy life wouldn’t interfere with hers; breaking up was the only solution until I could figure out a more permanent one.

‘Kate …’ I moaned, or maybe sighed. Whatever it was, it felt like her name dragged through my bones. I pressed my palms into my eyes to stem the burning, and wipe away the tears already falling. ‘If we can’t get through this together, we aren’t going to work long term. So, let’s call it quits now rather than prolong the inevitable.’

Her shocked gasp did nothing to help repair the shattering in my chest, ‘Oz, no.’

‘I’m sorry, Katey. I’m sorry for everything.’

‘No,’ she sobbed; great rasping sobs that made me want to reach down the phone and pull her through it so I could hold her as close as I could get her.

‘I have to go.’ I hung up before she said another word, and I was spotted crying my eyes out on the cobbled street I was still standing on. The papers would fucking love that.

‘I thought you were off to Cambridge,’ said Charlie, mashing potatoes, as I stormed into the kitchen ten minutes later heading straight into the pantry to find what I was looking for.

I uncorked the bottle of Glenfiddich single malt with a loud squeak and lifted it to my lips. ‘Change of plan.’

The whisky burned all the way down.

It had been a long time since I was so drunk I’d forgotten my name, and I’d just been handed the perfect opportunity to do it again.

Maybe if I drank enough I’d forget Kate’s too, but I didn’t think there was enough alcohol in the world for that to be possible.

24. Kate

(There’s strength in failure. Right? And stepping on a Lego is painful)

‘I got a Third. Another goddamn third grade,’ I grumbled to Imogen as we walked out of the science school. ‘I busted my ass on that paper. I put in extra lab time with Leo and I still get a goddamn Third.’

‘I know you did, I’m sorry.’ She put her arm around my shoulder and hugged me into her. Sometimes I wondered if this was what it would be like to hug a giraffe.

‘What did you get?’

‘A First, but only just.’ She grimaced. ‘You could ask Professor Vestin for a regrade.’

I shook my head, dropping it as I did, ‘No, it’s not her, it’s me. This is the third one I’ve had in a row, and they weren’t all from her. I’m not clever enough, it shouldn’t take me so long to grasp first-year biology, and we’re not even through the year. I don’t know if I can cope with another five. I don’t know if I can cope with the rest of the term, I can’t see any way through the coursework.’

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