Page 33 of The Baller

But I’d been angry two nights ago.

“When I found Jake, he was with Ethan and Ava, and they were standing over four guys on the ground. I wanted to yell at them, but as I got nearer, I realized it wasn’t frat boys – it was the guy from earlier, and he was with his friends. They’d seen Jake following Millie and me, and thought he was a creeper. They tried to stop him.”

The absurdity of the situation hit me again, and I started to giggle. Loudly. Soon I couldn’t stop. The giggles turned into the type of laugh that originates deep in your belly, in the marrow of your bones. In your soul. The type of laugh where you genuinely worry if your sides are splitting because you’ve got no idea how your body is still intact from the shaking.

Each laugh burst out of me like a prisoner making a break for freedom, until my cheeks were not only sore, but wet with the tears pouring down them.

It was as though a ten-ton truck had driven off my chest.

Even the usually impassive Doctor Jessops was laughing. “Well, I’m sure that’s never happened to Special Agent Riley before.”

“Nope,” I replied as I swiped the back of my hand over my eyes.

“It’s good to hear you laughing, Radley. It’s been a while.” She smiled at me, wide and genuine, like we’d had some kindof breakthrough. Perhaps we had. “Back to this mystery man who wanted your number… he’d taken on four Secret Service agents because he thought you were in danger.”

“Yeahhhh,” I nodded, and pulled on the hair tie wrapped around my wrist. It snapped back with a sting. “I gave him my number. So dumb.”

I looked up when Doctor Jessops stayed silent. She was wearing a small frown, the one which appeared whenever I said something she didn’t like. On her shelf behind her, I could see the 3D brain she kept, mapped out into colored sections. I always imagined it as mine; where my frontal cortex flashed like a highway sign, refusing to leave me in peace.

“Hold on, Radley, let’s back up a minute. Last session we talked about how you were going to go about living what you called a ‘normal’ college life,” she added her customary air quotes because she had a visceral hatred for the wordnormal, “and today everything you’ve told me about your week said you’ve done exactly that. You’ve met new people, you went to a bar, and you met a guy. Why are you saying this is dumb? Did you hear from him already?”

“Yeah,” I sighed, heavily.

“And how does that make you feel?”

“I dunno. I don’t know what to do.”

Doctor Jessops retrieved her notebook and opened it. “What d’you mean?”

I pressed my hand to my chest; the beat of my heart kicked up to a breakneck pace, and the ringing in my ears got louder. I found the dust bunny on the floor again and stared at it until the ringing stopped.

“Breathe, Radley. Breathe through it, and tell me what’s got you feeling like this.”

I snatched away the tear before it fell and blurted out everyquestion that had kept me awake for two nights. “Because what if I’m wrong again? What if I make another mistake? What if I trust the wrong person again? How am I supposed to know?”

Doctor Jessops removed her glasses. The faint creases at the corner of her eyes fanned deeper as her eyes narrowed. “You aren’t supposed to know, Radley. But the beauty of getting older is that it’s easier for us to find the right decision. As kids, we’re taught to inherently trust, but nothing you’ve done up to this point in your life has been your fault – or your doing. Mistakes are ours to make.”

They were words I’d heard Doctor Jessops say over and over to me, but they had yet to sink in. I was yet to believe them.

“I guess.”

“I think this guy you’ve met has unlocked something you’ve been burying for a long time. We can work on this. If you feel angry again, I want you to let it out in whichever manner you choose. You’ve been very brave this week, you should be proud of yourself.”

My eyes flicked up to hers, earnest and truthful. “Really?”

“Yes,” she nodded, closing her notebook. “I think that’s enough for today. Let’s pick this up again next session. Your homework is to text him back. You can text him anything. You don’t have to see him again if you don’t want to, but you have to tell him that.”

I pushed away the swirling and churning in my stomach to smile at her. “Okay, thank you.”

“You’re welcome. See you next week.”

The screen went black. I bent down and picked up the dust bunny, then dropped it in the trash. I hadn’t been looking forward to this session, but as I stood there thinking aboutDoctor Jessops’ words, I could sense a shift. I felt different.

It might have been the laughing, but I felt lighter.

Stronger.

Text him. I could do that.

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