Page 101 of The Baller

I glanced down to see what on my list I could accomplish right now, but they mostly required me to be outside. From my window I could usually see the Washington Monument, but even with the dimming light, the swirling blizzard outside had all but blurred it from view. I didnotwant to go for a run.

I tugged on my four-leaf clover, running it back and forth along its delicate gold chain, wishing for some inspiration. This list washard.

I also tried not to look at the first thing I’d written.

Sitting right there at the top, above my little grid of categories, Christopher Ellington was printed out in block letters. I had no idea why I’d added it, but I also couldn’t bring myself to scratch through it.

My pen was hovering over the page when my door opened with a knock, or maybe a kick, seeing as it flew back and hit the wall. Neither of my brothers bothered to wait for me to approve them entry, they just barged on through anyway.

“Hey, Rads,” Ben smiled, looking far less guilty than he should, and shoved a chocolate chip muffin at me. “Brought you a peace offering.”

I stared at the muffin, weighing whether I wanted to make peace with being hungry, but eventually hunger won and I snatched it out of his hand.

I took a bite. Yeah, the muffin was the right decision.

“Hello, Butthead.”

“We’re sorry, okay?”

“I’m not mad, I just don’t care what you think.”

“Ouch.” Ben clasped his chest, but his grin never faltered. In fact, it got bigger. “We just want to make sure you’re okay, and not making the same mistake.”

“If I do, it’s my mistake to make.” Hopefully Doctor Jessops wouldn’t mind me stealing her favorite catchphrase. “What I went through was humiliating and violating, and I know you all had to endure it too, and I’m so sorry I brought it on you all, but I’m not made of glass.”

“We just want you to be happy,” Henry started, “preferably not with a center fielder who has an on base plus slugging percentage close to point nine, when they don’t play for the Phillies, but…”

“Henry… is this because Lux is a good center field? Or because you don’t want me dating?”

“Neither.” Though from his face, I still wasn’t sure. “It’s about happiness.”

“I am happy. I’m trying to live my life, and Lux is part of that. He helps me, he doesn’t hold me back.”

He dropped into my armchair, elbows on his knees. “With what?”

“With not wanting to run away from it all, with facing things I haven’t been able to before, even with therapy. He makes me feel stronger.” I didn’t expect them to understand, but I needed to make it easier… “Henry, when you started at Princeton, did you have people trying to get your picture all day, every day? Or guys sleazing on you? Ben, do you have to deal with it day in, day out?”

Ben shrugged and Henry looked away; it was probably a bad example, because I knew for a fact girls tried to sneak into Henry’s dorm and wait for him to get back, and that was before he had a protective detail to stop them.Buthe also dealt with life way better than I’d ever been able to, and one of those girls had become his girlfriend for a while.

As far as my brothers knew, my problems had started with the photos, and now it was over.

“I’ve never had the confidence you both have, and after everything that happened, it became harder for me to get through my days. But since I met Lux, I feel like I have the courage to do more, it’s easier, and I’m so sick of hiding all the time.”

Ben sat on the end of my bed, like he was really trying to get it. “The glitter thingwascool. I haven’t seen mom and dad laugh like that in ages.”

“Yeah,” I giggled, “it was.”

The three of us stared at each other, or they both stared at me, all three of us quietly chuckling at the image of Christopher Ellington looking like a disco ball.

Ben stood up and announced, “We’ll meet Lux at Christmas, but he needs to come prepared to take the shit we will dish out. And we’re currently undecided, but it’s looking likely we’ll be in full Phillies uniform.”

I rolled my eyes; I couldn’t expect anything less. “Okay, we can cope with that.”

“We never thought you were made of glass, Radley,” Henry added as he pushed out of the chair and held his hand for me to take. “Now, you wanna come and watch a movie? We’ve got time before the dinner.”

“Where are mom and dad?”

“They got called away,” replied Ben.

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