Page 40 of The Baller

“You can have dates in a bookstore. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.”

I removed a cable knit sweater-vest from its hanger, one I’d seen Jennifer Lawrence wear, and slipped it over my head. “Shit, maybe I shouldn’t go. This isn’t a good idea.”

Millie swiveled around in her chair and got up.

After pulling my hair free from the confines of the sweater, she gripped my upper arms, and her face softened. “It’s one date, Radley, and you’re not promising him anything. One date doesn’t mean you need to go on a second. It means you’re onone date. It means you’re not lettingdickwaddictate your life, and you’re not putting it on hold. One date doesn’t mean you have to be ready to trust someone again, it just means you’re out of this dorm room with another human being.”

My lips rolled together, gluing themselves to each other out of habit when I needed to swallow down the ball of panic and tears that wedged itself in my throat whenever it felt like it. If it gave me a little more notice I could cope better, but no, it just popped up with next to no warning.

One moment I’d be fine, the next I’d be fighting back Niagara Falls.

I closed my eyes, not because I couldn’t take the way Millie’s dark browns were boring into mine, almost pleading with me to be okay, but because it was easier for me to focus on the four deep breaths I needed to take to calm my nervous system, and picture the wave.

It was one of the many exercises Doctor Jessops had given me to run through when I could feel the panic rising in me like a tsunami. This panic today, however, was more a championship surfing wave – nothing that had the potential for mass destruction – just big enough I could hopefully ride it to victory and dry land.

Millie hadn’t moved when I finally opened my eyes. “Okay?”

“Okay. Yeah, I’m okay. Thank you.”

She leaned in, planting a kiss on my cheek. “You’re welcome. You can do this, Rad. I have full faith.” She turned, grabbed her backpack and water bottle, slinging the former over her shoulder. “Come on, I’ll walk out with you. I’m going to thegym, then we’ll go for dinner later, and you can debrief me.”

“Deal,” I smiled, straightening my sweater. “Wait, you think this is okay?”

Her expert eye travelled over the pale peach sweater-vest, the white cap sleeve shirt underneath, and high waisted jeans I’d spent far too long deciding over. It was cute. I remember thinking it was cute when I’d bought it, but that was before things had happened, and it had been relegated to the back of my closet – along with everything else cute. I had a whole closet of clothes I’d never worn, because I now lived in dark, baggy sweatshirts, jeans, and yoga pants.

“You look gorgeous. It’s nice to see you back in color, and properly fitting jeans,” she smirked.

“You sound like my mom,” I groaned, smoothing my hands down my sweater. “You don’t think this is too peachy?”

“No, it’s the perfect shade of peach, and way better than the emo vibe you’ve been unsuccessfully rocking lately.”

“I’m not emo!”

“I know, that’s what I’m saying. You’renotemo, and you’ve been doing a terrible job at trying to be emo. In fact…” Her eyes flicked back to my jeans, and she forcibly spun me around 180 degrees, “how have you been hiding these from me? They make your legs look at least six feet long. Maybe I won’t go to the gym; I might stay and raid your closet instead.”

I snorted out a laugh, grabbed my jacket, and tugged her to the door. “Come on. I’m going to be late for this non-date date.”

I ignored Millie’s mutter of “it’s a date”.

“Jake, can we pull up before the store?”

He caught my eye in the rear-view mirror. “You mean not outside?”

“Yeah. I want to get out at the end of the street.” I looked back down at Google maps I had open, with a pin of our destination. “We’re nearly there, right?”

He didn’t reply, but picked up the walkie-talkie from the center console. “Sit-Rep on the store?”

“Empty. Over,” came back Meg’s voice.

“Stop here, we can get out,” Ethan, who was sitting shotgun, said as he pointed to the corner of the street, which according to directions was the one I was meeting Lux Weston on.

The entire experience was taking me back to my high school years when I’d make my dad drop me off a block away, so I wasn’t seen getting out of his car.

I should have walked the whole way to the bookstore. I’d planned to, but after Millie had joined me as far as she could before she headed to the gym and left me alone, I’d panicked.

As soon as she was out of sight, I’d asked Jake to bring the car around. It wasn’t that I couldn’t walk alone – because Ethan and Ava had been with me – but… okay, I didn’t want to. I’d become acutely aware of my surroundings, of who I was and everyone who passed me, whispers and nudges and stares, and I hadn’t realized how much I relied on Millie as a protective buffer.

The SUV stopped by the curb. Ethan was out and holding the door open before I had a chance to undo my seatbelt.

---