Page 5 of The Secret

“Thanks.”

He didn’t hang around for any longer than he had to, and I heard the door shut behind him as he made a swift exit.

I looked back over at Rafe. “Do we need to call the police? Do we have to tell anyone? When can we get this paternity test?”

“I’ll try and get someone here tonight. I can call in some favors. I suggest we don’t go down the route of social services until we get the results. But if you are her father, and as nothing is filled out, we need to get it done immediately and get round the issue of the birth certificate. I’ll see if I can get an extension, but if I do it’ll be one of days, not weeks. And you’ll need to name her.”

Oh Jesus.

I could hear his words, understand them as they made their way into my brain… but the pressure of everything he was saying was bearing down on me like a thundercloud and finally my body caught up.

She really wasn’t coming back. Who doesn’t name their kid?

I barely made it to the kitchen sink before I threw up everything I had in my stomach and more, until there was nothing left and my internal organs were hanging on for dear life.

“Oh my God.” My knuckles gripping the counter were as white as the fresh snow we’d been skiing on during our New Year trip to Jackson Hole.

How had our regular Tuesday night game of basketball turned into a checklist of tasks I had to accomplish for a kid that may or may not be mine? Fucking bastard Tuesday.

Penn arrived back and dumped several giant grocery bags from CVS on the counter. I heard him rummaging around in one before handing me a bottle of electrolytes.

Rafe walked out with a phone to his ear.

“Thanks.” I twisted the cap and swigged it, trying to rid myself of the acid burning my throat.

I looked around at the haul; he must have bought the entire store out of diapers and formula. I was momentarily raised out of my haze to find Penn staring at me.

“I didn’t know what to get, so I got everything I could find for a newborn. But, I know my sister had this because I fed Romy with it once when I was babysitting.” He ripped open a box and pulled out what appeared to be a pre-made bottle of formula, shaking it at me. “The lady in the store was also very helpful, she offered to show me how to put on a diaper but I said we knew. We do know, right?”

“How many diapers have you changed?”

His shoulder lifted in a lopsided shrug. “None, I always hand them back. What about you?”

“Same. But it can’t be that hard.”

He opened a packet and took one out, examining it, ripping the sticky tabs on the side before getting stuck to them himself as he tried to figure out which way round it went. And there didn’t seem to be any instructions.

We all stopped dead when a single piercing cry emitted from the car seat. Neither of us moved a muscle. We may have stopped breathing. Barclay started growling low.

A minute later we were still frozen to the spot.

“Can we move yet?”

The answer came from the baby as another garbled cry rang through the room. Penn stood there staring at me until I realized one of us needed to stop it, and by the look on his face, he’d designated that one to be me. I made my way over. Her little face was screwed up, her gummy mouth wide open, her lips quivering as she bawled.

I took the blankets off her and unstrapped the buckle holding her in place. I had several nieces and nephews and I’d held them all, the most recent not much older than she was. But the weight of her, the sudden weight I could feel deep in my marrow was heavier than a ton of bricks. Her crying didn’t stop though, the shock of a stranger lifting her into his arms doing nothing to soothe her. Because that’s what I was. A total stranger.

Penn removed the lid from the bottle he was still holding, only to reveal nothing on the top that would help her drink. And I’d seen enough babies feeding to know I couldn’t pour it down her throat.

“Mate, hurry up.”

He tipped the box upside down and the rest of the bottles fell out, along with a packet of teats, turning into a race against time to fit them together and save our hearing before we were deafened forever.

I snatched the bottle from his hand. “Here goes nothing. Milk is milk right?”

“I dunno, dude. Let’s hope so, because this noise is going to make my ears bleed soon.”

I moved it to her lips, like I’d done so many times before with my siblings’ kids. But her eyes were still screwed shut, the crying going strong, and my panic shifted up another notch.

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