Page 119 of The Secret

He tried to hold back the annoyance that I was questioning the state of our relationship, but couldn’t. I could tell by the way he ground his jaw, because I was now an expert in reading his expressions.

“We’ve done everything backwards. The last few months we’ve been in a bubble, thrown together under exceptional circumstances, living together, with your daughter. We’ve started a relationship and we’ve fallen in love. It’s been intense.”

He stared at me. “What are you saying?”

“I’m saying it’s been a lot and we need to slow down. If we don’t, I’m scared we’re heading for a fall. This morning was…”

“Nothing happened, Kit. I told you.”

“I know nothing happened, but there was still a naked woman on your desk when I was supposed to be meeting you for lunch,” I hissed loudly, not wanting to broadcast our entire relationship to the rest of the coffee shop, although that only included an older lady in the corner feeding a croissant to a small dog. He reeled back like I’d slapped him, filling me with guilt, misplaced or not.

“If I stay living with you, I’m the nanny who never left. I want to be the girlfriend you fell in love with, who you then asked to move in because you couldn’t live without. I don’t want to be there by default.”

“This is about labels?! I don’t care what people think. You should know that.”

I wasn’t expecting this to be easy, but we’d be here all day if he had an argument for everything I said. My internal panic button started flashing red as the fear he might not agree with my thinking hit me like a sledgehammer, because Murray always got his own way and this wouldn’t be one of those times.

“I don’t either. This isn’t about what people think.”

“You’re changing our story.” His frown became more pronounced with every point he put forward, the anger at everything that had happened this morning, resurfacing.

“I’m not; I’m trying to make it stronger by giving us the time we need. I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’ve got a funny way of showing it. You’re pushing me away.”

“Murray, I’m not.” My throat thickened again and I faltered on my words. “Please… I’m not pushing you away. I’m trying to build us a strong foundation where we start on equal footing. I don’t want us to break up six months down the line when life becomes real and we realize we don’t have anything in common besides sex and Bell.”

He managed to master an expression that was a combination of incredulity and anger. “That’s bullshit and you know it.”

“No, that’s the thing; I don’t know, and neither do you.”

“No one who has sex like us is going to break up in six months. We’re made for each other.”

“I want to be about more than sex, don’t you?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth,” he snapped. “You know full well I think we’re about more than sex. I love you, you love me. What more do you need?”

Wow. I was no relationship expert, but what theACTUALfuck?

“I want to date, I want to miss you, I want to build something. We’ve been swimming in the deep end.”

“This is bullshit,” he spat. Then his face softened, and he tried again. A different tack – and right there, I understood the reason he was so successful, beyond his incredible smarts - he never gave up. “I’m sorry about this morning, I’m so,sosorry. But please don’t do this.”

“Murray…”

“No!” His voice grew loud with frustration that I wasn’t bending at his whim. Frustration I was also feeling, but for a different reason. “Thisisbullshit. We talked about this already, we talked it through on Saturday, and now you’re running at the first hurdle. This is the first step to us breaking up.”

We didn’t talk about it, and I didn’t want to break up. At no point had I said I wanted to break up. In fact, I’d told him theexactopposite, but he was only hearing what he wanted to hear, and I was having to work hard on keeping my own temper in check, even though he clearly couldn’t.

I took a deep breath. “This isn’t the first hurdle; it’s not even a hurdle. I haven’t just thought this through in the last thirty minutes while you were removing a naked woman from your desk. Are you even listening to anything I’ve said?”

“Yes, I’ve heard that you’re scared, just like you’re scared of taking the Columbia job. That you can’t accept or recognize when something perfect comes along, because you’re so fucking risk averse. Well, you know what? This is perfect, we’re perfect, so open your fucking eyes and admit we’re meant to be together, because you’re being ridiculous right now,” he snarled.

I craned my neck back to look at him, sliding away from him in my seat. “No, Murray, I’m not. If this is going to work, then we need to date and get to know each other in a more normal way. I want to date. I want to miss you. I want space to miss you, and to achieve that, I need to move out.”

“Kit, please don’t do this,” he begged again, the tears filling his eyes were like acid to my heart, burning holes that would never repair in the same way.

“I love you, Murray. We’ll be okay, this is a good thing.”

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