Page 6 of Ironhold, Trial Four

“Because I won't be here forever,” Alaric says. “This next season is going to be my last in the arena. They're going to want to do something spectacular. If they know I'm with you, then… they might use that against me. And even if not, then when I win, I won't be here with you. I don’t want to break your heart like that.”

Whenhe wins. Alaric can't conceive of a situation where he might lose.

“So you’re pulling back from me becauseyou're going to have to leave me anyway?” I say. “Do you know how that sounds, Alaric?”

“It's just what this place is,” Alaric insists. “We can't make any real plans for the future.We can't truly be together, and that means that I can't be more for you now, because it would hurt too much.”

I move forward, trying to take hold of him, trying to persuade him with the touch that I, thatweare worth more than that.

Even as I grab for him, my fingers pass through him. It’s another illusion, and Alaric is already heading for the door. It’s impossible to know what’s real with him.

“Alaric, wait.”

He doesn’t wait, though, just slips off deeper into Ironhold. He is pulling back from me. He doesn’t want to be with me anymore, and that… that hurts me as much as if someone has stabbed me. I can feel tears stinging my eyes, shock and pain filling me.

But it’s more than that. What does it mean for my survival if Alaric doesn’t want to be close to me, doesn’t want to be around me? He thinks it puts us in danger being too close, but how much danger am I in if I am alone here? Ironhold is a dangerous place. The colosseum is worse…

And now I don’t have Alaric by my side.

CHAPTER FOUR

Alaric proves difficult to find. He isn't back in his rooms, and there are so many twists and turns to the fortress that he could be anywhere. He's obviously avoiding me, which is frustrating, especially since his reasons seem so foolish. Pulling back from me because he knows he will have to leave soon feels like cutting off an arm because a finger is injured.

I can’t just think about Alaric, though, so I head to the bathhouse to get rid of the sweat and dirt of training before heading to the dining hall. Ironhold’s great dining hall is filled with gladiators, some free, most captured and enslaved. I make my way through them, grabbing a bowl of stew and a hunk of breadbefore heading for the spot where Rowan is sitting with Zara and a couple of others. It helps to have friends around me in the dining hall because I have been in fights here before. Even here, I must think about protecting myself.

I can see the cause of several of the fights standing across the room. Vex is there, golden haired and blue eyed, with a faint network of silvery scars on his face, tall and leanly muscled, wearing noble robes over his gladiatorial gear, as if to remind us all of his status. The large gladiator Arctus is near him, ferocious as a pet wolf would be. He has latched onto Vex as a way to get through his time in Ironhold. Arctus has attacked me before on Vex’s instructions.

Vex does not like me. Partly that is because he's a noble gladiator and I am not. Partly it's because I am a beast whisperer, able to communicate with animals and control them. In Aetheria, my kind has been persecuted ever since the emperor saw that one of us might be a threat to him. Partly, it has to do with the web of faint scars on his face, almost invisible but there, inflicted in one of our bouts.

“How was your training?” Rowan asks me as I sit down.

“Alaric is pulling away from me,” I say, unable to keep the hurt out of my voice. Should I really be talking to Rowan about my relationship with Alaric? “He won't be near me now. He barely has anything to do with me. He says he's pulling back becausehe's getting close to his five seasons.”

“Maybe that makes sense,” Rowan says. “When he's gone, you'll have to rely on yourself and everyone elsearound you. He won't be here for you.”

“That doesn't mean he can't be therenow,” I insist.

Rowan shrugs. He always has difficulty discussing Alaric. The two don't get on well. I think I'm the only point of connection between them, an ally to both of them, and more in the past. I was briefly together with Rowan at the start of my time in Ironhold, found myself drawn to him by attraction and a shared need for some kind of human contact. Yet it is Alaric who has claimed my heart more recently, and not just because he is almost painfully beautiful. Underneath his veneer of arrogance, he is sensitive and kind, loving and thoughtful.

But he isn’t here right now. And he hasn't been much of an ally in the last couple of weeks.

“And just remember that he's not the only one who's there for you,” Rowan says. “He might want to cut himself off, but you don't have to do the same. I’m still here. We all are.”

As much as this place lets anybodybe there for anyone else. After all, it's a place where we trainto be ready for the moment when we must fight each other in the arena. People hold back their secrets here, and don't let anyone see what they really feel, afraid that almost anything could be used against them. It means that tension seems to hang in the air like fog.

“Thanks,” I say to Rowan. There is something comforting about his presence near me, as solid as the earth with which he works. Having Rowan around feels both reassuring and safe,although he hasn'talwaysfelt safe. Even now there's a part of me thatresponds to his presence so near, a part I must push down becauseresponding to it in any way would be a betrayal of Alaric.

Howmuchof a betrayal, though? It’s almost more normal for people to sleep around here than to have a real relationship, taking out the tension and relieving the fear that comes with the constant closeness of death. Alaric isthe one pulling away from me, telling me that whatever we have hadhas been a purely physical and brief affair, with nothing else behind it. I don't know if he's serious about that, but even the way he's refusing to be near me hurts.

Yet I can't use that as an excuseto just throw myself at Rowan, however much a part of me insists that I should. Rowan is strong and dependable. He is always there. He is a steady stone where Alaric is a stormy sky. And yet, I will not betray Alaric like that. I will not make things complicated that way with Rowan either. We seem to have settled into friendship, but no more than that. Shaking the foundations of that would be the most dangerous thing I could do.

There are those within Ironhold who bounce from bed to bed, either because they seek the safety of strong allies and are willing to give themselves to the strongestto ensure that, or because they feel that their lives might end at any moment, and they are determined to fit in as much living and pleasure before that instant as they can. I am not one of them. I can’t be, with Rowan.

“You will have the same problem as Alaric soon,” Rowan says. “You will have finished your time here, or you will be close to it. Have you thought about what that would be like?”

In truth, I haven't dared. I haven't been able to think about life after the arena because I know how easily my life could end in the colosseum still, or in Ironhold. I know that even if I makeit out of the colosseum, there is every chance that the emperor will still try to find a way to have me killed because of what I am. He thinks I’m his enemy, and honestly? I'm still not convinced that I'mnothis enemy. This is a tyrant, after all, who has forced me into battle against beasts and gladiators again and again.

I shake my head. “I haven't thought much beyond that moment. I know you're planning to get away as fast as possible. As soon as you'vegotten your sisters free.”

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