Page 24 of Ironhold, Trial Four

But the truth is that my thoughts aren't here. They are back in Seatide, thinking about the people being attacked, taken,killed. Lady Elara seems to have information about it, but the messages must be travellingby magic or carried by birds she and the other beast whisperers control, becauseit is too far away to get to quickly.

Whyare bandits attacking my village? Why are theycontinuingto do it? That doesn't sound like any bandits I've heard of. Small groups of them wouldpick one of the roads to sit on and target travelers, perhaps. A large group might raid a village, killing and kidnapping. But they wouldn't attack again and again, picking off individualsand then leaving them dead for people to find. I don't understand it. Something else is going on here.

Even as I think it, a wooden sword slams into my bruised ribs, making me cry out in pain.

“Stop getting so distracted!” Alaric says. “You need to focus, Lyra.”

“How am I meant to focus when my village is being attacked?” I demand.

“You can't think about that. I've told you, none of that matters. There is only victory and defeat in the colosseum.”

“And I've toldyouthat I'm not capable of being that cold, even if you are. Even if you could cheerfully slit my throat if the emperor demanded it,” I say.

Alaric looks shocked, and it's the first real emotion I've seen on his face since we got back.

“Do you really think that of me?” he demands. “I’m trying to help you here!”

Is this his idea of helping? Whacking me in my injured ribs? Refusing to understand just how hurt I must bethat someone is targeting my village?

“You want me to focus on fighting you?” I say. I attack then, with the kind of fury I would normally reserve for the arena, the wooden staff that represents my spearsinging through the air as I strike atAlaric again and again. He defends and moves, but one of the blows gets through, hard enough to double him over.

“What are you doing now?” he asks. “You think that lashing out in anger is the solution here, Lyra? You know we can't go that hard when there's a fight in the morning.”

“Make up your mind what you want, Alaric,” I snap at him. I don't just mean how hard we should be sparring. Everything with him seems tangled up. “I thought you wanted me to focus on fighting you. And I thought you wanted me.”

“What?” Alaric says, looking confused. “Lyra, of course I want you.”

“Really?Because you've been pushing me away enough in the last couple of weeks.” I can't keep the anger out of my voice.

“That’s so you're not hurt when I leave,” Alaric says. “It's not fair on you to-”

“It's not fair on me to treat me like this,” I snap back.

“And now I'm distracting you,” Alaric says. “I knew this would happen. That if we got too tangled up, it would get in the way of your training.”

“Don't pretend this is just about me and what's good for me,” I retort. That’s one part that hurts more than the rest, him pretending that it’s all about me, when he’s doing this, pushing me away, for his own good.

Alaric takes hold of me by the shoulders. He kisses me fiercely, but passion is not enough to make up forthe care that's missingbetween us right now. “All of this is. You still aren't focused enough on the right things.”

“There's more to life than just the colosseum. Itisn'tthe only thing that matters. The state of the empire does too. The games the nobles are playing. The fact that someone sent an assassinafter me. The fact my village is being attacked. You must know that there are forces building against the emperor.”

“You can't do anything about those things,” Alaric says. “And if you concentrate on them, then you'll be distracted in the arena.”

“That's a chance I'm willing to take rather than just being-”

“Just being what?” Alaric asks.

I could hold back. I should hold back. But I don't.

“Just being the best killer I can be.” I turn and walk away from him. It doesn't matter to me that Callus is out there somewhere right now. I can't be around Alaric. Tears sting my eyes. Why does everything have to be so difficult between us? I want there to be something more than coldness and calculation in Alaric. I get glimpses of it now and again but glimpses aren't enough. I don't even know if he really cares about meor if I'm just someone he's spending time with while he's here. Someone he will cast aside the moment he has left.

I have enough self preservation to know I also can't be alone in my room. That would just be an invitation for Callus to kill me in my sleep. So instead when I head back to the barracks I go to a different room.

“Lyra?” Rowan says as he opens the door.

“Can I stay here tonight?” I ask.

“What about Alaric?”

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