Page 40 of Ironhold, Trial One

“I couldn't just do that,” he says. “And anyway…”

He trails off.

“Anyway?”

“I wanted an excuse to be near you,” he admits, with a sheepish look at odds with his usual toughness.

That catches me a little by surprise, but I still finish my work, making sure the stitches are neat, then bandaging the wound.

“That will hold until Naia has more strength,” I say.

Rowan starts to swing his legs off the healer’s slab.

“What are you doing?” I ask. “You should rest.”

“I’ll rest back in my room,” Rowan says. “After I go through today’s bout.”

He pushes his way to his feet, but he's obviously unsteady. I end up having to support him.

“You can't go out and train like this,” I say. “What would you learn in any case? Beware of flying spears while you're blindfolded? It was an unfair match.”

“I can't accept that,” Rowan says.

“Why not?”

“Because then, there's nothing I can do to save myself or anyone else.” It's obvious that he hates the thought of that, that he hates the idea of his fate being out of his control. I must remember that this is someone who gave himself over to the arena to escape his life as a slave. Rowan probably hates not being able to change things.

“Well, even if you can learn to dodge spears blindfolded, you can’t do it now,” I say. I start to guide him back towards his room in the barracks, along the maze of Ironhold’s corridors.

We eventually reach the door, and I hesitate there with him.

“Thank you, Lyra,” he says.

“Are the stitches holding?”

“I didn’t just mean for the stitches,” he says. “I mean just for being there, for caring.”

“Of course I care,” I say. “I-”

He kisses me. It takes me by surprise, but it’s a surprise I quickly adjust to. I kiss him back breathlessly, leaning into him. In that moment, I want nothing other than him. I want Rowan to make me forget everything today, the pain of killing someone, the shock of seeing him hurt, my incredulity at finding out about the existence of the spectral covenant. I want to lose myself in him completely.

I kiss him, pushing him back into his room, and it’s then that he stops, with a small sound of pain.

“Too much?” I ask.

Rowan nods, ruefully. “I’m sorry. I wanted to be… more than this for you.”

“You know you don’t have to be?” I say. “We don’t have to do anything.”

Rowan looks briefly surprised. “I’m not used to that. I’m used to people wanting things from me. Lady Tyra.”

“I’m not her,” I point out.

I sit beside him. I stay with him. It’s enough.

CHAPTER TWENTY THREE

Eventually, I leave, slipping out quietly. Although not so quietly that Zara doesn’t see me. She gives me a smile and a nod of encouragement, obviously imagining every detail of what just happened, even though nothing did.

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