Page 56 of Hooked on Loving Him

Me:

911…I’m headed your way.

“Letitia? What’s going on?” Ashari asks when the office door opens, and Letitia stands in the threshold.

“Uh… what happened?” Letitia asks.

My mind is on overload, and my body is teaming with so many emotions and thoughts that I’m unable to respond to either of the women in my space. My throat is burning with raw heat as I feel like I’m seconds from detonating like a bomb. Rema’s and Carleen’s faces and expressions have been playing in the background the entire drive here. I’m on the brink of a meltdown I’m fighting to contain so Ashari doesn’t witness me at my low point. Being her strong and unbroken man is an image I’m desperately trying to resemble despite its falsity.

“I’m not sure what’s going on, but Kayshon hasn’t said much of anything since he was approached by two older black women,” Ashari says, looking from me to Letitia.

“You know what I do for a living, Ashari, so you can deduce why Kayshon and I know each other. Let me get him sorted out, and then I’ll see if he’ll be okay with bringing you in,” Letitia says as if she’s speaking to a small child.

Ashari’s eyes peer into me, probing, and I’m unable to comfort her due to the downward spiral I’m seconds from slipping into.

“Have a seat, Ashari. Everything will be okay. I promise,” Letitia says to Ashari, and I damn near run into her office without hearing Ashari’s response.

My feet immediately begin stalking around Letitia’s office as my nerves go haywire, and I bite my lip. My last encounter with Rema pushes today’s sighting to the back while playing like a movie reel.

“Talk to me, Kayshon,” Letitia says an unknown time later, and my mouth opens as my words spill over.

“I told her ass never to speak to me again, and of all times for her to ignore my request, it had to be when I was on the brink of recovering everything she stole from me. How the fuck am I gonna tell Ashari that the man she agreed to marry is tainted?”

“You asked Ashari to marry you,” Letitia says as more of a statement than a question as I nod and lick my lips to moisten them.

“I have never wanted anything more than I want to be Ashari’s husband. It’s crazy after seeing the tumultuous marriage my parents had. Yet, it has never given me a reason to hesitate jumping the broom one day. I know that most people would think I’m nuts for wanting marriage but rejecting children. Ashari gives me a reason to want both, and seeing Rema somehow forced me back to the time I shed tears because I thought God was about to punish me.”

Needing a minute to get my bearings and gather my thoughts, I stop talking while continuing to walk a hole in the carpet.

“What about seeing Rema caused you to end up here?”

“The memory of our last exchange.”

“Tell me about it.”

“It wasn’t after learning about her fake pregnancy. Maybe six months after that day, my young and dumb ass missed the contour of Rema’s pussy which led me to her doorstep. I’ll neverforget the look on her face when she opened the door and saw me. Rema’s ass rushed out on the porch grinning before looking left and right while ushering me into the house. The heavy scent of sex and stale pussy filled the entryway, which should have been the thing to make me leave. Instead, I fucked Rema like a nigga who had spent two decades in prison. Afterward, Rema propositioned me to be her boy toy for as long as her pussy could receive my dick.”

“Did you consider it?”

“I did,” I say, hanging my head as my eyes fill with unshed tears.

“What stopped you?”

“The sound of my mother weeping penetrating my ear canal. It disoriented me and had me demanding Rema never speak or contact me again before I ran from that house like my feet were on fire. Her touch today had every escapade between us, hitting me like stones and causing me to feel dirty because Ashari was present. Will you help me explain this shit to her? I can’t lose her over this bullshit.”

“Of course I can.”

Nodding, I release the air from my lungs while taking several cleansing breaths as Letitia walks to the closed door.

God… please don’t let my treasure walk away from me. I promise I’ll do whatever You ask of me if You grant me this favor.

Five months later…

God’s mercyis why I get to see today, and God’s grace is why I will get to smile at the end of the day. Over the last five months, many things took place for me to wake up to what will forever serve as a reminder that I finally did something right. Seeing Rema and her flunky at the mall all those months ago had me deathly afraid of Ashari’s reaction. Letitia, being the therapist she is, walked me through sharing my deepest and darkest secrets with Ashari. While Ashari knew bits and pieces of my parents’ demise, she didn’t know about my foster care disaster.

She also didn’t know that one woman had not only been the vehicle of my manhood but also responsible for how Ihandled her. My raw state had me unable to move until Ashari’s shoulders rocked with the devastation of my life experiences. No one prepares their significant other for the aftermath when they’re attempting to recover from the trauma they haven’t experienced. Ashari had only been able to cry silently until the last of my information sent her into uncontrollable sobs that lasted several hours. Every time I thought Ashari was able to get herself together, she would look into my eyes and start crying all over again.

For the first time since coming to Letitia, she broke the rules and my HIPPAA stipulations by calling Pastor Reese and telling him to come to her office for an emergency. Letitia and Pastor Reese turned her office into a church altar by praying for Ashari and me right where we were. I had gotten on the floor with Ashari, holding and rocking her as her tears blended with the ones I could no longer control. Seeing Ashari emotional over my pain had me raw and remorseful in a way I have never been before. I’m not sure what hurt Ashari more… knowing a grown woman had groomed me sexually or knowing that I enjoyed every occurrence.

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