Page 38 of Hooked on Loving Him

Rolling my eyes, I lock my phone and drop it beside me without responding to Kayshon because there’s nothing to say. He doesn’t know that being in my bed right now didn’t stop me from going to Marquan’s house before coming home.

Maybe not, but it did stop you from letting that nigga kiss, cuddle, massage, or fuck on you.

My conscience practically screams, causing me to grit my teeth as my attitude flares at the truth within the statement. Thanks to multiple glasses of mimosas, I was horny but not willing to call Kayshon. Trying to implement my self-imposed single status, I popped up on Marquan with thoughts of letting him get my mind off Kayshon. While Marquan had been giddy and grinning like a cat who ate the canary, my mind and body betrayed me. I didn’t make it past Marquan’s mounted TV on the wall by the door before I walked out, as Kayshon’s despondent face flashed in my mind with every step.

“I don’t even like his ass anymore,” I whisper.

Awe, that sounds good, but you’re lying through your teeth. That’s why Pusetta is purring now because she’s begging you to call that man to put the fire out.

“I hate you,” I tell my conscience, rolling my eyes while trying to shift my attention to Hawaii Five-O in hopes of falling asleep without giving into the temptation of calling Kayshon.

*bzz, bzz*

Jumping slightly to the sound of my phone vibrating an unknown time later, I slide the button to answer without fully registering the caller. “Hello.” Sleep clogs my voice as I hold the phone to my ear.

“I’m not sure how long I’ll be able to survive this separation, so I really need you to put me out of my misery, Shari.” Kayshon’s voice sounds in my ear, causing me to blink slightly from being disoriented as I fight to wake up completely.

“How old are you, Kayshon?”

“I thought it was against protocol to ask a person’s age,” he says humorously.

My face contorts as a smile falls into place, and I adjust my slouching position to sit with my back against the headboard.

“Not for men.”

“Hm. The double standard is wild, but I’m thirty-two.”

“I’m thirty, so I’m trying to figure out why a man who has never had children can make a decision like yours without experiencing a blessing such as fatherhood.”

“Desperation can push us to valleys we can’t see an escape plan to get out of.”

“Un-riddle your words for me, Kayshon. I need to understand.”

Hearing a puff of air hit the receiver, I close my eyes to gather my thoughts as my pulse elevates. A heavy feeling surges through my body as Kayshon sighs before speaking again.

“The nigga whose sperm created my existence is also the nigga who killed my mother in front of me. His short-tempered ass had to have everything his way, including my mother’s will to bow to his bitch ass,” Kayshon says aggressively as my breath hitches and my chest pinches with intense pain.

The memory of Kayshon’s nightmare slams into my mind, making it extremely difficult for me to speak, breathe, or respond to his words. However, it doesn’t seem to matterbecause Kayshon continues talking, further tanking my ability to communicate.

“I was nine, and that nigga killed my mom in front of me and turned the gun on himself when the police showed up. I hate his ass, yet I don’t ever want to be like him. Having kids scares me so much I fuck while wearing two condoms just so I don’t ever have an unwanted pregnancy scare surface.” The noisy breathing and almost shouting tone coming from Kayshon make my blood pressure spike.

“C-C-Come over,” I say in a shaky voice as the need to see and be in Kayshon’s presence overtakes my mind and body.

“Nah. I don’t want you to pity me, Shari. I just need you to understand me and why Ineedto do this. I want forever with you, and I don’t ever want you crying after my temper can’t be contained with our child.”

“What about what I want? You say you want forever with me, but what if my forever with you includes having your babies?”

“Man,” Kayshon says lowly as if he’s no longer holding the phone because I’m barely able to hear him.

“I haven’t seen a shred of temper from you since we’ve started this thing. You’re also talking about temper control with your future children but not regarding the woman who bores them. So, what’s the difference between the two? How can you control yourself with the woman yet fear losing it with the children?”

“History has a way of repeating itself, and Lance didn’t start losing his shit until they added me to their mix. I had the displeasure of overhearing many arguments that ended with that nigga blaming me for not only beating Mom’s ass but also losing his temper.”

Time slows down at hearing the pain in Kayshon’s words as my mind processes the burden he’s carrying. Swallowing thelump in my throat, I gather myself enough to tell him what’s echoing in my mind.

“Your father’s issues aren’t your burden to carry, adopt, or alter your life to correct, baby. If you want to do anything… prove to yourself that your love exceeds the limitations your father forced you to see and believe. I heard my godfather once say this, and I want you to let it settle within you: My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Second Corinthians twelve verse nine is your portion, Kayshon. In this area, you’re weak, but God is able to give you strength in every area that concerns you.”

Tears fall rapidly as I stop talking because I never saw myself regurgitating Papa Ren’s words to someone else. Yet, at this moment, I understand that Kayshon needs to hear them, which gives me some comfort in having the ability to share them.

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