Page 21 of Hooked on Loving Him

“Jesus!” Letitia says.

“He wasn’t in my room that day nor my parents the next day when Dad beat Mom’s ass for complaining about the marks he left on me. What’s crazy is the nigga’s temper could go from zero to a thousand in a nanosecond. Instead of leaving the house after beating Mom’s ass bloody, the nigga came back in my room and punched me until my damn chest felt like it was caving, all while forcing Mom to watch. Her fucking left eye was barely open, but he didn’t care. My room held the combined cries of Mom and me that night.”

I stop talking when fury within my body suffocates me as red dots dance in front of my eyes. The image of that night is all I can see, and my body feels like I’m a chestnut roasting over a burning fire. My teeth sink into my bottom lip, and not even the metallic taste entering my throat can force me to let go. My neck is hot, my hands ball into fists, and my legs rock back and forth. I’m lost in the memory as the sight of Mom’s face hits me with an intensity I can’t stop or prevent.

“Kayshon! Kayshon!” A hand touches me, causing my left hand to dart forward out of reflex. “Shit! Kayshon! It’s me.”

My eyes blink rapidly as the fog vanishes, and I see Letitia no longer sitting in the chair across from me. A pensive shimmer inthe shadow of her eyes causes me to release the fists my hands are in before my head hangs dejectedly.

“My bad, Letitia. This shit is why I can’t afford to have any children. I can’t ever allow myself to lose it like that nigga Lance did. I can’t go out like that with something that came from me, man. I ain’t never been more afraid than I am at the thought of reproducing. Most men want children, and my ass has been avoiding it like it’s the Boogeyman, all because I lived the first nine years of my life with the living one.” My voice is low and raw as the tears I’m unable to contain fall freely down my face.

“Have you had enough today, Kayshon?” Letitia asks in a voice full of compassion and concern that warms my body, allowing the tightness within me to slowly ease up.

“Nah, you ain’t helped me with this situation, and I’ve got more to say.”

A small smile slips onto Letitia’s lips as she walks to the fridge I’ve never noticed beside her desk and grabs a bottle of water before returning to her seat, while extending the water toward me.

“This is cool, but I’m gonna have to bring you a bottle of Goose or Big Black Dick White Chocolate for my sessions,” I say, taking the water from her before a low chuckle leaves my mouth at seeing the wrinkles dancing on her forehead.

“I’m familiar with Grey Goose, but what is Big Black Dick White Chocolate?”

“Yeah, the shit had me looking crazy too. It’s a rum one of my employees brought me after vacationing in St. Thomas. The shit is smooth, and the white chocolate taste helps while it goes down easy. Several shots of it will make you feel nice.”

“I’ll take your word for it.”

*ding, ding*

Frowning, I pull my phone from my pocket to see who’s texting me. A goofy smile falls into place when I see Ashari’s name on my screen. Getting her number after I dropped her off when she helped me babysit the twins had me ready to pop my collar.

Ashari P:

Hey. I hope you’re having a great day. Since you have yet to do so, I’m gonna take the lead…how about meeting me at Sipping Thangs Beverages for a drink date??

“This woman,” I say, shaking my head.

“Is she the reason you’re thinking about children?” Letitia asks, reminding me of where I am as I lock my phone and slip it back into my pocket.

“How can a nigga with the shit I’m carrying possibly plant my nut in her eggs? I’m too fucking damaged to allow her to carry my babies. She wants kids, which means plural, and I couldn’t say shit back because I know what I have with me.”

“Don’t you think you should discuss that with her to get her opinion?”

My head starts shaking before she can complete her question because inheriting Lance’s temper and causing Ashari pain that doesn’t reside in her pussy from my strokes would be unfair. From the first day I laid eyes on Ashari, I saw security, freedom, and stability with her. What would that life entail if Lance's corrupt DNA manifested within me?

“I saved this woman’s name in my phone with her first name andmylast initial. Knowing that I want something with her that isn’t temporary, I confirmed my consultation before coming here when I got the reminder call. I can’t be the reason Ashari cries anything but happy tears. The shit with me is deeper than running full speed ahead into fatherhood.”

“Have you told anyone about this decision?”

“Nah. My brothers, while knowing my background, won’t understand. Hell, Kyce just got his happily ever after and is a new father. His ass is in the haze of baby vomit that makes niggas smile blissfully. Jawaan will find some way to make a joke because he’s unable to deal with reality. You and the medical staff at the clinic I’m going to will be the only people who know, and all of you are bound by some type of limitations that protects me.”

*ding, ding*

Another chime sounds from my phone as I retrieve it to see another message from Ashari that lightens the pressure in my chest as my smile returns.

Ashari P:

It’s extremely rude to read a message and not respond. If you’re unavailable, say that. If you’re not interested, then say that. You aren’t the solo in this race, nigga.

What’s crazy is that I can see and hear the snappy tone coming from Ashari, simply by reading her message.

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