Page 44 of Hooked on Loving Him

What work, woman?

Ms. Aretha:

For thou wants to be with your dumb, irrational ass, but you’re allowing the weapons of your past to make you forget the blessing God has given you in your present. This decision will only make you forfeit your future. Back away from the dick tuck, nigga

Uncontrollable laughter escapes my mouth like diarrhea, causing the waiting occupants to look in my direction. Returning to my phone, I type a response to Ms. Aretha.

Me: I’m gonna revoke your one-on-one time with Jawaan. Keep it up.

Ms. Aretha:

*singing in my Kurt Carr voice* God blocked it…he wouldn’t let it be so.

“Kayshon Patton.” A male voice calls my name as I stand and head toward the open door leading to the back.

Me:

I gotta go. They’re taking me in the back.

Ms. Aretha:

Don’t do it. Don’t do it. Oh Jesus, please slap my baby with a specimen cup so he snaps out of this.

Me:

LOL. I love you.

Ms. Aretha:

*sad face emoji* I love you more

“So, after all of that you’ve been going through lately and earlier, how are you feeling?” Letitia asks.

“Like I’m on the brink of losing my mom all over again.”

“Why is that?”

Tears sit on the edge of my lids as I try to suck them back into my orbs while trying not to succumb to my emotions.

“Whenever I had a bad day, I could always count on my mom to make everything better. The day she left me, I lost the belief that I would do anything to make her proud. I failed to get her help and always wondered what would have happened if I had. Today, I feel like I gave her another reason to be disappointed with me.”

“Let’s put today into perspective, Kayshon. All you did was go for a?—”

“Nah, I made the appointment to have the procedure,” I say, cutting Letitia off, unable to meet her assessing eyes.

The sterile and cold room I had been in not long ago had my mind spinning with a shitload of thoughts. Seeing the black doctor enter the room gave me a false sense of peace that I would have time to sort things out with him. I sat my ass on the flimsy exam table and gave that fuck ass doctor a bunch of nothing for wanting the vasectomy. Instead of him being a professional and attempting to provide me with the pros and cons, he simply gave me a date to perform the deed. There had been no confirmation of my assurance nor efforts to talk me off the proverbial ledge. Somehow, I let the doctor get in my head about my right to choose what happens with my body as it pertains to children. Since I got the reminder card with the date, time, and location, I have been fighting the urge to throw up.

“It doesn’t matter. You still have time to change your mind,” Letitia says, deadpan.

“Do you know I popped up on my mom’s parents before I left for college?” I say, switching to another subject that has been filling my mind today.

“It’s not something we’ve discussed previously. Tell me how that went.”

“On three occasions, the people whose blood runs through my veins dismissed me like I was the shit piled in their front yard. What’s crazy is they let me in their moth ball smelling house, only to tell me how they disowned my mother. According to them, they saw Lance for the devilish man he was from the beginning. My grandfather even went as far as to tell me he saw me becoming exactly him because that kind of evil doesn’t die. My grandmother sat in a rickety rocking chair, her hands folded and a sneer on her wrinkled face. They had me questioning which form of my DNA had been the worst to co-create my existence. My mother was the sweetest and kindest woman Iknew, so her parents' actions staggered me. Their vile words and Lance’s despicable actions haunt me more than I let on. I have never told anyone about that encounter with those people; after burying them, they surface today. Why?” I ask as my throat clogs with emotions, and the irritant tears I’ve been fighting off make their way down my cheeks.

*knock, knock*

Knocks at the door sound, yet I’m unable to lift my head or acknowledge the sudden interruption of my session. Letitia stands and walks wordlessly to the door before I hear it open.

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