Page 36 of Hooked on Loving Him

For the first time since my mother’s death, tears fall from my eyes as defeat surrounds me like a warm blanket. Fog enters my mind as I struggle to process the idea of being without Ashari. Somewhere between seeing her for the first time and making love to her, she has put me and my heart in a chokehold.

“Shit! Come on, bro. Don’t do this to me,” Jawaan says, yet the numbness entering my body prevents me from responding. “Aye, get over to Kayshon’s.”

Damn. Am I really about to lose out on this woman because I’m not willing to become anything like my fucking spermdonor? This woman is the home I see and the joy I’ve not experienced before her. What the fuck am I gonna do? Damn. Do I ignore my reservations and give her a baby, only to slit my wrists when Lance surfaces within me? Oh God…

The swarming thoughts invading my mind have me trapped and unable to register anything around me. My limbs tingle with sudden fatigue as my heart aches, and my throat thickens, causing me to grab it as I feel like I’m suffocating.

“Shit! Breathe, Kayshon. Breathe.” Jawaan’s commands are faint in my mind as I’m helpless to follow his instructions.

“Not today, Satan. Father, in the name of Jesus.” Kyce’s authoritative voice pierces my mind as I feel his arms wrap around my body in a bear hug. “I ask you to step into this room. Father, You know what Kayshon needs right now. Right now, Satan, I come against your plans. No weapon… no defeat… no torment… shall be able to prosper. I cancel every assignment you’ve erected against Kayshon. I send it back to the pit of Hell from which it came. Take your hands off my brother… in the name of Jesus. Satan, you won’t win. I call Kayshon free. I call Kayshon blessed. I call him a child of the King.” Kyce’s words and the bear hug he’s giving me have me blinking as I come out of the dark hole I had fallen into and stare into his eyes.

“Ky—” I start but am forced to stop due to the raw burn in my vocal cords.

“I got you, man,” Kyce says.

“We got you, bro,” Jawaan adds, standing on the side of Kyce and me with a glossy sheen in his orbs that pricks my heart.

“What happened, Kayshon?” Kyce asks.

“She left me,” I whisper as pain stabs me in the chest at the reminder of what led to my breakdown.

“Y’all were just booed up at dinner,” Jawaan says, frowning.

“I’m getting a vasectomy,” I share with them for the first time since coming to the decision and scheduling my consultation.

“What?” Kyce and Jawaan ask simultaneously.

“Y’all know my history. I can’t let that nigga’s vile genetics sabotage whatever happily ever after I’m lucky enough to receive,” I say, hanging my head.

“Nah. You can’t let this nigga win. He’s taken enough from you, bro. Don’t allow him to have that too,” Jawaan says as his frown deepens, causing a small smile from me.

“I agree with little bro. Life doesn’t always grant those of us with shitty pasts a chance to do some shit over. Be better than that nigga and show the world that no matter who your bitch ass sperm donor is, you can be better,” Kyce says aggressively.

“Wow. You done pissed off the church boy. Like, how did you go from being deep and spiritual while praying to cussing like Bernie Mac at a Samuel L. Jackson cookout?” Jawaan asks, looking between Kyce and me as laughter echoes around the room, ushering in a light and airy feeling I appreciate.

Nearly two weeks later…

“So,what’s been going on with you lately? I feel like we haven’t talked or anything in a while,” Mycah says while taking a healthy gulp of the mimosa she ordered.

Jordan is out of town for work, so she’s not here making this brunch between Mycah and me. It’s been a while since it's just been the two of us, and it feels nice to have some one-on-one time with my bestie.

“I’ve been dating a new guy, and it's been consuming me with the ups and downs that come with early relationships,” I say as a pang pierces my chest at the thought of Kayshon.

I miss Kayshon, but I haven’t been able to come to terms with his decision not to have children. I want babies one day, and being with him indefinitely means I’ll be forced to not have them. I’m unsure if I can willingly be with him, knowing what he’s planning to do, which is causing me some distress. It feels weird to miss a man I haven’t been with long enough to conform to my life, but I do.

“Oh. Who i—damn, toxic nigga incoming,” Mycah says before a familiar panty-soaking scent penetrates my nostrils as an arm wraps around my shoulders.

“Just this morning, I was asking God to give me a sign that you and I weren’t over. I’m happy to know th?—”

“The devil sneaks into God’s closet to steal prayers that God won’t answer,” Mycah says, cutting Marquan off.

I snicker because Mycah can’t stand Marquan and has told him on more than one occasion that the two of them will never be cordial. I haven’t seen or had any contact with Marquan since Kayshon and I have been involved, so his words are definitely outlandish.

“I don’t recall talking to your nosy ass,” Marquan says to Mycah, who shrugs while drinking her mimosa. “Why haven’t you called me, RiRi?”

“Man, God always puts me in the right place at the right time as it concerns my brothers,” I hear, causing me to look away from Marquan and see Jawaan smiling like he’s won the lottery.

“Aren’t you a cutie,” Mycah says to Jawaan.

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