Page 14 of Hooked on Loving Him

“While Jacob had been forced to confront his shortcomings and dependence on God, it's not what’s about to happen with you. I didn’t understand why I wrestled with God from Sunday until the break of Monday morning until looking at you just now,” Papa Ren continues.

Heat fills my neck as my right leg bounces under the table, and I rub my hands up and down my pants. My chest tightens as my insides quiver. My eyes continue peering into Papa Ren’s orbs, and I'm unsure where he’s going with this information.

“The man you’ve recently had engagement with will give you the opportunity to release the hard edge you use as an armor over your heart. God said to tell you that though the package is bruised, scuffed up, and frayed in certain areas, it’s the one He made with you in mind. He also told me to tell you that with this one, you can let your guard down because the dawn of a new day comes after midnight. God said you will no longer have to settle for drive-by fulfillment because what’s coming has been tailored to meet all of your desires, needs, and security. You no longer have to wrestle with Him because the blessing has already been won on your behalf.” Papa Ren’s voice is commanding and unmistakably authoritative as his eyes peer into the depths of my soul, leaving me shaken.

“Wow. Let me get my life right before God asks you to wreck me next month,” Amari says, causing Papa Ren to laugh as I attempt to recover from sensory overload.

“You ain’t gotta wait until next month. Sunday is just under twenty-four hours, and the altar is always open and available to you, Mari,” Papa Ren says, smiling.

“What? You just sat here and told Ashari what God said in a restaurant full of people without blinking. Do you want me to come to church tomorrow? Nah. I ain’t about to let your praise team wreck me before you preach me into walking down the center aisle so you and God can challenge me into accepting Him into my life. Nope. I’ll take my chances next month, Papa Renny. I ain’t about to mess with you or Him,” Amari says, shaking her head, causing me to laugh hysterically as my anxiety leaves my body.

I’m not sure which is funnier: Amari’s neck vein beating a visible pulse beneath her skin, her rapid blinking, or the shrill within her voice during her rebuttal. After Papa Ren’s sermon-like spiel with me minutes ago, I can’t blame Amari for her accurate and truthful reaction. I’ve seen people go up for prayer at the altar ofPursuing His Glory Ministriesand they either cry uncontrollably or fall out like drunks after a binger.

“You don’t have to fear God, Mari. Trust me. When He’s ready to get your attention, there won’t be a hiding spot capable of keeping Him from reaching you,” Papa Ren says as the waiter returns with our food.

Tell me about it. I was only coming to eat, laugh, and catch up with you, Papa Ren. Now I’m sitting here with my stomach in knots, contemplating your words.

“Let’s pray before we dive into this food,” Papa Ren says, stretching his hands out so Amari and I can join hands with him.

My heart is still thumping like I just finished a five-mile marathon without slowing down to catch my breath or sip a drink of water. My shaky hands connect with Papa Ren and Amari, who squeezed the hand she’s holding as Papa Ren begins praying.

“Father, in the matchless name of Jesus. Thank You for the opportunity to spend time with my girls. Thank You for their lives, oh God. Thank You for Your safety, and thank You for theirhealth and stable minds. God, I ask that You would continue to protect and keep them. Let them know that their safety and security are in You. Now, God, I ask that You would visit both Amari and Ashari in the midnight to let them know that there’s nothing too hard for You. Let them know, God, that whatever battles or storms they face, You are well able to fight on their behalf. Bless this food so that we might find nourishment for our bodies. Bless the hands that prepared it. All these things we do ask in Your name. Amen.”

Now, why did he have to ask God to show up at midnight, knowing I only want to greet the back of my eyelids at that hour? Papa Ren and I are gonna have to discuss his need to put me on God’s radar.

“I have a question,” Amari says, snapping me out of my thoughts as we disconnect our hands before I search my purse for hand sanitizer.

“Go ahead,” Papa Ren urges.

“I’m not trying to be ungrateful, but doesn’t God have more pressing people to deal with than me?”

Laughter shoots from my belly because Amari doesn’t have a lick of sense, which is why she should be sitting her tail in one of the pews tomorrow morning.

Monday Afternoon..

“What caused this emergency appointment, Kayshon?”Letitia asks after several minutes of silence.

Breaking eye contact with her, I stare straight ahead as I work to get my bearings and thoughts together. My regular appointment with Letitia is set for Thursday. However, a restless night had me calling her after the run Sassy and I took didn’t quiet the nightmares. Not wanting to entertain Honesty and the bullshit that came with her, I didn’t let her drain my dick last night. Therefore, I had nothing to block the torment of my mind, allowing the nightmares to begin the minute I closed my eyes.

“I need you to tell me how to make them stop,” I whisper.

“What do you need to stop?”

“The image of my mother that choked me all night.”

“I’m curious. Forgive me for asking this question now instead of during our initial session, but what have you done before now to keep them at bay? Or have you simply dealt with it without any form of strategy?”

Pulling my gaze from the crack in the wall behind Letitia, I meet her assessing orbs before answering her inquiries.

“I fuck my jump-off until exhaustion causes me to sleep without the strength to produce any thoughts.”

“So, why didn’t that work last night? Is that what you’ve always done to mask the torment within you?”

A frown slips into place at Letitia’s reference because I disagree with her statement, and I’m not tormented. I’m dealing with nightmares after seeing a brutality I haven’t ever been able to register in my mind.

“It’s nightmares, not torment,” I say aggressively.

“Until you relinquish the guilt that you should have never started carrying, your nightmares will always torment you, Kayshon. What happened last night?”

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