Page 61 of Bear Strength

“Is it… over?” he whispers, barely audibly.

“It is, baby,” I smile.

My other hand finds his cheek, still warm.

“We don’t have to be afraid anymore?”

“Not anymore, no.”

He looks like there is another question lingering on his mind. I just want him to go back to sleep. He’s had his fair share of life threatening adventures for one night. Hell, he’s had enough of those for a whole lifetime. But, I know he’s not a baby anymore. If he has any questions, I must be here for him. I must respond honesty.

“Will we ever see dad again?”

There it is. The question I’ve been fearing, because I myself don’t have the answer to that. I glance over at Adrian. He is smiling at me. I wonder what he would say. Probably some research based psychology that assures me we’ll all be fine, but we’ll all lead different lives. Or, something like that. I guess the best answer in this case is the one that comes straight from the heart.

“I honestly don’t know,” I sit down on the bed, next to him. The guys have all exited the room, giving us some privacy. I appreciate that. And, that’s not all I appreciate. “I don’t think your father is a bad man. I think he is a sick man. A horribly sick man, and he needs to deal with it somehow.”

“How?”

“I don’t know,” I feel like a broken record at this point, but if Dominick wants to talk like a grown up, he should learn by now that many things are simply unknowable. You play it by ear, hoping it’ll all turn out well in the end. “Unfortunately, he’s the only one who knows. We can’t help him. He needs to want to change. He needs to want to become a better person. No one can do that for him.”

“Is that why he’s been so mean to us?”

“Yes, it’s the sickness. He loves us, I’m sure he does. But, the sickness has taken over him. And, I guess he forgot how to properly express that love. Now, as for your question whether we’ll see him ever again, I told him I don’t want to. He’s hurt me too much. I doubt I will ever be able to forgive him. But, maybe,just maybe, many years from now, we might all sit down and talk. If he proves to us that he’s changed.”

“Will you get back together with him?” he sounds almost frightened by this thought.

“No, baby,” I shake my head. “I will never get back together with your father. Still, that doesn’t mean I don’t care about him. Despite all the shit he put me through,” we both chuckle at my use of the term shit, “he gave me you. And, that’s more than I ever thought I could get, more than I ever thought I deserved. Someone like you.”

He smiles at me. His eyes are slowly drooping, and I know he’ll doze off any minute.

“I like it here, in Swallow Springs,” he suddenly tells me.

“Well, that’s great, because I like it here, too.”

“Do you think we could stay here?”

“I think that’s doable,” I nod. “Under one condition.”

“What?”

“That you stop spray painting stuff on other people’s walls.” We both chuckle again. “But, seriously. I don’t want to have to deal with your teacher or the principal again. I know that what’s happened is a lot to handle, and if you don’t know what to do, just come to me. We can figure it out together. But, acting out or fighting in school doesn’t solve anything.”

“But, I told you why I was in a fight that time.”

“I know, you were defending my honor,” I smile. “And, I do appreciate that. But, there are a lot of mean people out there, who just want to get a rise out of you. They will say mean, hurtful things, expecting you to explode and start a fight, just so you could get in trouble. Don’t give them the satisfaction. It takes more effort and shows more dignity to just walk away, than to retaliate. Always remember that.”

“I will, mom,” he takes my hand and presses it against his lips. A small, almost invisible tear rolls down my left cheek. “You can count on me from now on. I promise you.”

“I know I can.”

I wrap my arms around him, pressing his little body against mine. I still remember when he was a tiny baby, perfectly fitting in my arms. When did he grow up? I guess I’m still not ready to let go of him being my little boy. He will always be that, whether he likes it or not.

“Mom?”

“Yeah, baby?”

“Can the guys stay the night? Just in case.”

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