Page 62 of Not As Advertised

I stopped myself when I realized that I’d brought up my anxiety. I froze, suddenly unsure of what to say next. Not wanting to turn him off, I didn’t know how much he really wanted to hear about it. And he probably wouldn’t want to hear about it on our first proper night alone. I couldn’t imagine him finding anxiety sexy.

Feeling insecure, I let my eyes wander to the backyard. The floor-to-ceiling windows continued in this room. Anything to avoid looking in his direction right now. I wasn’t ready to process his reaction.

“Sweetheart, look at me. You aren’t going to scare me away by talking about it. I don’t want you hiding things from me that matter, okay?”

My gaze returned to his at the gentle reassurance in his voice.

“Okay,” I agreed quickly. The trouble was believing he meant what he was saying.

What if he says he is okay with it but then you get really upset or overwhelmed and he changes his mind? Do you think he really wants to deal with you in that state?

Pushing my inner voice down, I made the conscious decision to take him at his word until he showed me any sign it was really a problem.

Placing a plate of chicken and vegetable pasta in front of each of me, he sat down beside me.

“I see we aren’t too far from the chicken and vegetable lunch routine. I’m going to miss the lovely employee at your favorite delivery restaurant. She doesn’t even need to hear my voice to know what I’m ordering for you,” I teased.

I looked at him from beneath my lashes, trying to keep my lips from curving upward. In retaliation, he gave my waist a quick pinch, causing me to yelp in surprise.

“Hey now, snarky girl. I’ll have you know there’s cream sauce in here too. Need to make sure I cater to those decadent tastes of yours.” Mirth danced in his eyes.

“Just because I ordered the entire menu of that dessert café in LA, you think you know my tastes?” I challenged him.

“I think I know a couple of your tastes.” His tone was thick with innuendo. But thankfully, he didn’t take that line of thought any further for now.

Digging into our pasta, we fell into light conversation. By some tacit agreement, we chatted about the easy stuff while we ate: how I felt about transitioning over temporarily to the digital arts team, how Anne and Grace had transitioned from accounting into full-time nonprofit campaigns, how boring his lunches were without me having to come in and out of his office with questions.

I stood to carry my plate to the sink, but Aiden grabbed them both and insisted I sit and let him take care of everything. It was such a luxury to have someone focused on just me for once. Returning to the table, he took my hand and led me back into the living room, where an overstuffed couch awaited us. He flicked a remote to turn on a cozy fireplace.

He sat right beside me, the whole side of his body touching mine from shoulders to thighs. I loved how he wanted to be as close to me as I did to him. Tucking one leg underneath me, I turned in my spot to face him, bracing myself for whatever questions he might have.

This would be our first opportunity with the time and space to talk about what I had shared with him.

While we’d eaten, dusk had fallen. Aiden looked out at those shadowed trees in his backyard for a moment before returning his gaze to mine, then gathered my hands into his.

“I can see that talking about your mental health worries you when you have to bring it up. But I need you to know that I want to be here for you. You’re going to have to help me know what that looks like exactly. I’m definitely going to make mistakes, so I need to apologize in advance.”

I had not expected such an open response from him. I had zero experience, other than Indie and Emery, with telling people about my anxiety and receiving a supportive reaction.

To be fair, I’d kept everything to myself for almost a decade.

Other than my doctor, I’d only told my mother about it back in high school. My mother had dismissed me as being “too sensitive.” That had resulted in me having to constantly mask my feelings ever since. I didn’t want others to see my mental health as a weakness or some deficiency.

“Um. Thank you. I’m not actually sure what to say. This is new territory for me. I just wanted to make sure you knew before we started this for real.” I gestured between us.

“It means a lot that you would trust me, especially since we work together. I would never betray your confidence. I hope you know that. Still, it took a lot of courage to say something to me.”

I searched his face for any hint that he was being insincere. But he looked back at me with kindness and attentiveness. He seemed to really mean what he said.

Before I could reply, he added, “I also want you to know that you didn’t have to tell me before we continued exploring our relationship. You have nothing to be ashamed of. My feelings for you wouldn’t have changed by telling me a month from now. That said, I am so happy that you told me because I want to be here for you.”

I hardly felt brave at the moment. I was still working on accepting his calm reaction. I was always braced for the rejection of not being good enough. The world could be cruel about mental illness. It made me want to open up about my reality to anyone.

“Is it okay if we talk about something else now?” I didn’t want to say anything more. Getting bogged down in worry before we even began was not a headspace I wanted to entertain.

I felt as steady as I could with the nerves about staying over at Aiden’s house for the first time and all the implications that came with that. I wanted to enjoy this time with him.

“Sure. I just need to say it again so you hear me. Nothing has changed for me since this morning, okay?” He leaned closer and brought his mouth to my ear. “I still want you. So badly. Would you prefer not to talk at all?”

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