Page 74 of Here Comes Santa Paws

Her straight teeth gleamed white against her suntanned skin as her smile climbed several watts. “Absolutely! My card is in that folder. Call me whenever you’re ready to put a deposit down. Don’t forget the free month you’ll get if you commit to a multi-year lease.”

That thought left me green around the gills.

“I appreciate it. Before I go, do you have any recommendations for good hiking trails in the area?”

I left after she directed me toward a path through nearby foothills. When I got to my rental car, I plugged the trailhead’s location into the GPS. Might as well check that out as well to get a full sense of what might soon be my new home.

As I drove, I tried to imagine going to the nearby grocery store and grabbing coffee from the cactus-themed café I passed.Usually, when I scoped out a new place, it was easy to figure out how to adapt my routines. It wasn’t coming as easy to me this time.

Brown foothills came into view with the sun shining high over them. It was a perfectly mild winter day to go for a hike. I’d have to bundle up to do the same in Christmas Falls, though I supposed the trade-off was summer. Hiking here in summer would probably melt my camera.

The setting was gorgeous, and I kept waiting for that feeling in my gut. The one I got every time I moved that told me I was making the right decision. That it was the right place for the next leg of my endless journey.

My phone rang with a Tucson number, so I pulled into a parking spot at a gas station.

“Hello? This is Roman.”

“Hi, Roman. This is Abdul. Thanks again for coming all the way here. We really enjoyed talking with you today.”

I took a calming breath and tried to keep my nerves in check. Oddly, I didn’t know whether the nerves wanted him to offer the job or reject me.

“Thank you. I appreciated the opportunity to meet with you all.”

“I believe we mentioned you were our last interview. The search committee met after you left, and we unanimously decided to offer you the position. We’d be honored to have you join our team. Your ideas and background are exactly what we need to grow our clinic.”

Abdul continued to talk about the pay package and benefits. All the while, my gut remained stubbornly silent. My attention drifted to the house across the street. Christmas lights hung around a saguaro cactus. I smiled, imagining how much Elias would love that. It made me miss Christmas Falls and how his lights shone brighter among freshly fallen snow. I hadn’texperienced that pang of homesickness since we left Dahlia Springs all those years ago.

My phone buzzed with a new text from Elias. As Abdul talked about paid leave, I launched my messaging app.

Elias: [selfie of Elias looking tired but happy as he sits beside a pile of bedding with Carol on it]

Elias: She’s in the early stages of labor! I’ll keep you posted. Hope it’s all going well there [heart emoji]

My gut fluttered like a thousand butterflies had burst from their cocoons.

Now my gut has something to say?

“So, what do you think, Roman? Will you join our team?”

My mind raced. I should scream yes. It was the job I’d been working toward for years—the next logical step in my career—but wasn’t there more to life than work?

I thought of Elias, Carol, Anisha, Jim, Nancy, and even Elias’s yappy furballs. My Christmas Falls community. I finally had what I’d wanted my whole life, so why the hell was I planning to leave it again? I didn’t have to. I’d been so afraid of getting attached and getting hurt again, but now I was the one causing the pain. My parents weren’t moving me to Tucson for their new job. I waschoosingto leave.

There was nothing for me in Tucson except a job. I couldn’t even bring Carol with me because she’d need to stay put with her puppies. And most of all, there was no Elias.

I might have lost the community and friends I’d loved in Dahlia Springs, but I was the only one preventing me from having that in Christmas Falls. I just needed to be brave enough to make the decision to stay.

“Thank you so much, Abdul. It’s an amazing opportunity.” I sucked in air to fill my lungs to capacity. “But I’m going to have to decline. I’m sorry to have wasted your time, but I don’t think I’m ready to leave Christmas Falls.”

How had I gone from avoiding my perky neighbor with the nice ass like the plague to wanting to take him on a hike and show him my favorite places to take photos? I wanted photos of us on my walls, not only my landscapes.

“I’m sorry to hear that, but I understand. A cross-country move isn’t always a good fit, but I appreciate your interest in the role. Take care, Roman.”

“Thanks, Abdul. You as well. Best of luck filling the position. Whoever takes it is lucky to work with such a great team.”

After hanging up, I nearly stuck my head out the door to puke but managed to tamp down the worst of my nausea. I was trying to sort through a seemingly endless stream of confusing emotions and sensations in my body. Part of me couldn’t fucking believe I’d turned down an amazing job and immediately regretted it, but as I examined the feeling, it wasn’t what it first seemed. It was a new, stomach-churning sensation of vulnerability. Fucking terrifying.

There was someone I needed to talk to first. A conversation that probably should’ve happened years ago.

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